Culbertson

I don't do change well.

So when my best friend, lover and roommate of two years had to leave my life all of a sudden....

At first, there was a huge relief. I was arguably happy. A weight was lifted. A burden gone! But as time went on, grief set in. Crippling sadness of missing someone who was once a very valuable, consistent person in my life, was catching up to me.

I had to actually go back and look, but it has been three months since I cold turkey'd off my ex.

I told myself I wouldn't talk about Sean anymore. I even punish myself by re-reading my blogs/screenshots and reminding myself of why things are the way they are now, by watching our last recorded fight/conversation. I do this to also remind myself that none of the best memories were ever worth... THAT.

But there are good memories, loads of them and they have been flooding my mind lately. Grief is a funny thing I guess. I've felt it for many people over my life. Ex lovers, best friends, and even through my spiritual crisis. I have felt lots of grief. This is just my most recent. I'll get through it.

I'm sad to admit, but at least honest about it, that I have thought about all the ways I could reach out to him. And for what? For closure? a reply? to hear a deserved apology? Just to hear his voice again? Would I hear an apologetic tone? (rolls eyes, ugh) I vented my thoughts to my therapist this week and she suggested I consider writing him a letter, and than not sending it. Burning it, tearing it. throwing it away... I laughed, because if someone deserves a written letter, it's him to me. To explain himself. And than I laughed again, because if I wrote that son-of-a-bitch a letter, I would be sending it. I know how to find him. Good ole mama's boy.

You know, he didn't treat me like that the first year we dated. -Words that many women before me have said. I'm just lucky I got away. In fact I was a hot mess the first year we met/dated. On and off dating/break ups were a monthly occurrence. I was coping with my recent sexual assault and coming off my psych medication. I was all sorts of chaos. And he treated me better than I deserved that first year. However, the moment my mental health got better was when his declined. Or perhaps when I saw him for what he was? (still debating on that) And frankly that's a first for me. Being in a relationship with someone who was worse than me? Was.... very strange. I didn't know how to help someone who didn't want to be helped. He also didn't have the necessary skills to communicate to me that anything about him was wrong or changing. It was me who noticed and came to him with concerns. Concerns he'd throw back in my face and tell me "he''s been the same since we met, it's me that's changed."

My mind flickers to the recorded conversation of me saying,

"I have always written blogs about people who have treated me poorly." His reply? " I don't treat you badly." When with the same breathe he called me a "fucking cunt" and "dumb bitch." It took all I could not to laugh at him when he said that. That night was a roller coaster of emotions.

In hindsight of course, there is no way to help people like that.

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Let me take a moment to shout out the shrink-wanna-be Sean cheated on me with, Madisen Kescker. She still reads my blogs here, actually! That's right, I see when, where, how long, what device you use and even down to your street address, that everyone, on a non-private server, is viewing my blog on. Thank you wix and your sites analytics. But you aren't my only hater who keeps tabs on me. *winks* My sister too, in Wythville, VA still frequents my blog too. lol Bunch of fools.

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My ex being poetic with me.

So back to business. *sighs* I don't know if I will ever stop loving Sean. At least the good part of him in my memories. I have love for all my ex lovers. Hunter, Tyler, Ray... And have almost always stayed in contact/good standing with all of them. I didn't want Sean to be the first who was cast out for good. I just don't know how we could ever be friends again after he became a monster because of me sharing the truth. With hard cold FACTS and screen shots! If I had the capability of "lying or twisting words", especially with someone I loved and cared for so deeply, don't you think you'd be able to prove me wrong? Or at least not blow up and act like you're guilty? His gas lighting was disgusting. The worst part? He believes everything he has said. He believes his lies. Which is what makes him so dangerous. He's told me so many lies.... how do I know if when he told me he loved me, if that it was the truth? I don't.

His rage will follow him around for a very long time until he seeks help and works hard on himself. I picture the vulnerable Sean, crying harder than I've ever seen him before (other than when he thought he lost Lilith) He choked on his words through tears with his head in my lap saying "I don't want to become like my dad."

But you have Sean! Or at least you are on a fast track there.

Sean made me question my reality. Our entire two year relationship. If his family really loved me? (new's flash- they didn't) I understand two years doesn't seem like a long time. But for me, someone who never imagined I'd live this long, it is. Each year is a fucking surprise, okay? I don't know how I am hanging in there. (punny...) Not to mention Sean was the first man that I loved after my most recent suicide attempt (2018) and than later, my most recent rape (2019). He was the man who was teaching me how to love without the presence of a toxic dogma shamming me through every mile stone.

Sean was different. He sure the fuck was.

I don't know if I will ever "write him a letter". If I do it will be tearful, thoughtful, sassy and anger filled. I'd let him know that I still loved him, even though he doesn't deserve to hear it. (or read it)

September 5th

For fucks safe he friended & followed me on his childhood Facebook account days after our protective order was up. That threw me for a loop. My mind raced constantly why he'd do that. Was it really him? Was it his toxic ex playing games with me? Why would she have access to a immature facebook account from a greasy haired- pre-pubescent, World-of-Warcraft weirdo? She wouldn't.... it was him.

But why did he friend me? Was it on accident? Slip of a finger while stalking? Why was he stalking? Probably because I blocked him and his family on every other platform I'm on. And his phone number. My racing thoughts continued. They circled and circled. When I finally decided to do something about it, it was at least two weeks after the notification came through. He had removed his friend request.

Another curious behavior. I guess he was hopping I'd accept and give him a reason/permission to communicate? He lost hope pretty quickly. And than? I blocked it too. His stalking will need to resume on yet another account.

Not his last name. But absolutely him.

And I felt cold again. Shutting down what was obviously an attempt at communication. I don't know why the idiot doesn't just send me a hand written letter. He knows where I live too.

The past three months have been full of trial and errors as I navigate living with new roommates. Perfect strangers fill the rooms that Sean, our love and our pets once did. I both love the freedom I have living here and hate it at the same time.

I've been trying new medications. They have failed. Six months being back into pysch meds, three new medications and another hospitalization with no progress? Has me tapping out. This isn't far to my body. We are running out of options and concoctions to try.

I am not looking forward to coping at life without something to take the edge off. But I'm a find-a-way, make-a-way kind of person.

Sean told me last year during the most significant break up we had, the only one orchestrated by him, that "you are simultaneously the best and worst relationship I have had." Words he said he later regretted. But I think he was telling the truth.

It sucks being in love with a part of a person who doesn't exist anymore. I just cope with the memories of all my lost loved ones. People say death is hard... but no one, gets to experience life with a dead person anymore; equally. Failed friendships/relationships leave you knowing that, that person still walks the earth, it just isn't with you anymore. It's someone else's turn to occupy their life with. And it sucks you don't get to see where life takes them.So lets get one thing crystal clear. I don't want Sean back. I just wish the version I fell in love with never left.

Sean, I don't know if you were my best relationship, but you were undeniably were my worst.