Creepy 15 Year Olds

Back in October 2019 I published a blog about my mother. It is currently one of my most read blogs, even if the views were probably just annoyed re clicks and multiple open tabs being passed around by my family. This website is an open public journal of sorts and I speak my mind freely. I don't make an income from this site, it is a a form of creative self expression and I took this hobby up after being raped last year as another coping skill. My "Mom" blog (you can read it here.) got some of the most positive and encouraging feed back I have ever had.

Validation from those who were present and watched me and my family growing up; friends of my mothers who saw and understood my struggles as they relived through reading what my child brain remembered of those many traumatic events. Validation from complete strangers with similar upbringings and difficult homes. Validation from loved ones. That blog was a game changer for me and my very small following of viewers.

At the end of the blog I wrote a goodbye letter to my mother. Much to my surprise, she most likely read it that very day... haha word travels fast. I post my blogs and their hyper links on my Instagram and Facebook, both of which are open to the public. And while I have most blood relatives blocked or simply not following/be friended them, there are a few left, mostly cousins. Some of those blood relatives still support my mother and live in deeply gossiped life styles and did not enjoy me sharing such painful memories I had growing up.

One of which was my 15 year old cousin who lives in Idaho. Who likely was the one who started the sharing of the link and increasing of its views. (Happy belated 16th birthday by the way.) It's totally possible her message to me was written by her mother, my aunt and mothers oldest sister. But I don't really know the child well. What I do know is that she fits right in with the rest of this families oddities and traumatic upbringings.

I was told by a child (presumably) to "keep my feelings to myself" and that "It's not worth hurting others over past decisions."

*If you haven't already read the blog in question, please do so, it may make reading this one go a little smoother. Let it be known I've not talked to nor see her in years. And even though we were connected on social media, we did not communicate there. This was her first and last message to me. ever.

Years of therapy has told me that this persons advise is not only flawed but unhealthy and often dangerous. I can however empathized with her cult upbringing about keeping in the pain and abuse and to hide it. You have to

blend in, you have to be that perfect Mormon family. I get it. That is something the Mormon church encourages. They also victim blame those who have been raped and assaulted. They tell wives that it if they were more obedient their husbands wouldn't beat them and their homes and lives would be more peaceful, that their marriages would thrive if only they were obedient. Which we know is wrong. Bother her mother and mine lived through similar stories as divorced women from domestic violent marriages in "the church". I didn't expect a child to know or understand these things, and I definitely didn't expect her to know what happend to her older siblings before she was even a thought, which is why I speculate it wasn't all her words but her mothers. So I replied. . .

Mental illness is very prominent in my families blood line, which is one of the reasons I will not be having children to perpetuate the cycle. Her oldest brother took his life two months after my own most recent suicide attempt in March 2018. Happy almost Anniversary! I'll drink to his freedom. After all he did something I couldn't do right, despite my numerous attempts.

I wonder if it had anything to do with his childhood trauma? Did you know that when he was a toddler while changing his diaper (child was naked) his biological father grabbed him by his genitals shook him and screamed at him? Did you know that? Did you know any of the things that Wyn Lee Schwendiman did to your mother and your siblings? Because I know very little, but what I do know is that he is vile sick man.

So what does this have to do with anything, this blog was about my mother? Domestic violence is everywhere and survivors of it should not ever be quieted. To my knowledge terrible human being (Wyn) never served any time in jail for his actions. Do you know why Rainey? Because the victims were quieted and told "not to share those feelings publicly." Because they never came forward to attest to molestation, abuse, manipulation because of fear. Fear someone wouldn't believe them. Fear that even if truth spoke aloud nothing would come of it. I strongly encourage you to not silence survivors. My mother continued the vicious cycle of bringing toxic men into mine and my siblings lives. I do hold her accountable for her actions. Past. Present. Future.

And while I have your attention, can you tell me why a seven year old would be standing on my bed holding a metal baseball bat over her head staring at me while I was sleeping? Ya fucking creep! I found and moved that baseball bat out of my room several more times over the coming weeks. I'm not sure what your perverse intentions were but I blame your mentally ill family and specifically brothers- since your sisters weren't living at home during that time. (One of them was going through her own domestically violent divorce- it follows this family girl, wake up!) But who really knows why you were such a disturbing child. Maybe you don't remember but I know you read that Instagram message. You never replied and then promptly unfollowed/blocked me. Also likely under your mothers decision- since she didn't have enough courage to talk to me personally, even though everyone know how to reach me, its public record. She rather bitch to my editor and ask me to take it down. To which I find rather ironic. But you guys didn't know she was my editor, did you?

I found out that my family still keeps tabs on my blogs and are still regular readers! Happy to keep your attention, thanks for the clicks, feel free to subscribe to be instantly notified when my next blog is published. Who knows, next one might be about you. As always, feel free to leave comments or message me personally instead of bothering others with your concerns. I know you are all afraid of the internet and anyone seeing anything bad about you made public. However I'm free from that, I share the good, the bad and the very very ugly, especially about myself. I have nothing to hide.