Over Sharer

For every time my dad/mother/siblings gave me "the look", stopped listening to what I said and reminded me that what I was saying was "TMI".... I have officially found people who love to listen and can't get enough of what I have to say! I have found validation in sharing the uncomfortable, because the new people in my life don't have warped ideals of what I should or shouldn't be talking about.

Sure talking about periods, body, shaving, weight, smells, bodily functions can be weird and awkward at times. . .

Telling the cashier something awkward on accident or even on purpose can be a little strange. Working in retail has you learning some odd things about your customers at times.

But people generally thrive when they are loved and accepted. And that includes the "weird" things. If someone has a less than attractive quality to you, that doesn't mean someone else won't like it. That being said, there are times and places to talk about certain topics, but nothing is to be policed like what people in my life have done to me for simply being thorough in my ability to give details.

The rolling of eyes, the lifting the hand up to my face in the "stop" signal. Being told to "keep it short", and "get to the point", with the hand gesture to "hurry it up" are still some of my most disliked memories. My dad use to do it to my mother. And then, she did it to others. My siblings started doing it to me too. And soon it became, "women always have too much to say" thing.

I'm not solely talking about the over sharing that is uncomfortable, like when your children tell strangers at the grocery store what your farts smell like. Or when the cashier says "here's your change" and you you replied " you too!" because you thought they were going to say "have a great day!" and you walk away with dread. I'm talking about people who are suppose to love and support you, silencing your turn to talk because they don't want to hear you and don't like what you are saying. Or make you the center of attention for the sake of being laughed at.

Ex] I stopped shaving my armpits four? five? years ago, and when my family started to notice they would have me lift my arms up to show other family members, to laugh, joke, pick fun and say "Well she is confident and owns it, but isn't that gross?" My mother did this to me during one of my hair appointment at Adore U Salon and spa once with other stylists/customers I didn't know. My new stylist is Sabrina Shipley, who odddly is also at Adore U. Looking back at this, I took their actions rather well, with a smile on my face, and no tears in my eyes, but man they are complete ass holes!

What does this blog have to do with anything? It was just something I found myself thinking about lately. It has bothered me that my family has always had a problem with things I had to say and who I was. About anything. What I do with my life. What religion I practice. Who I date. Who I have sex with. How many people I have sex with. (not that they knew, but anymore than one, and outside of marriage was wrong and sinful!) What I did with my body hair, etc.... Then and now, it's always been a problem, they even hate my blog. They take the things I write here as viscous targeted attacks. Abusers always do. When in reality, I'm writing, blogging, venting, documenting and journaling my life here. Don't like it? Don't read it. But when you come from a toxic, drama filled back ground, you do often crave the high of something always going on. You don't understand peace if all you have ever known is heightened, on-edge emotions. And this completely applies to me. But the difference now? I am able to speak my "peace" if you will, in order to heal and grow instead of bottle it up, self harm and struggle deeper with emotional pain.

Being able to be validated and heard is important. It is something my family never did for me. It is something the people in my life now, my new family, does for me. My support network, aside from the trained mental health professionals in my life!

I look forward to laundry days now, as it involves me packing things up and visiting, what I essentially call my mother-in-law. Sean's mom. We don't have a washer/ dryer hook up in our apartment and laundry mats are expensive, she is more than willing to allow us to use her machines and welcomes my/our visits. Whenever! I've known this woman less than 18 months and she has been more welcoming than my own mother has the almost 28 years I've been alive! Holy fuck! She has learned a lot about me, my upbringing, my family, my interests, my dating life style (being poly, and support me!), my sex life, she listens, she asks questions, and she offers advise! Last week I told her I was looking for a new therapist who offered EMDR therapy (a specialized therapy that most don't offer) and she looked up the provider some of her child go to and gave me a location to call. And I sit at her kitchen island and talk, as I use her washer and dryer for a few hours once or so a month.

Of course I learn more about her family dynamic too and we bond! She has six children from about 7 to 25. (Sean being the oldest) She home-schools them and is a pretty do-it-yourself homemaker. Her husband, her children's father, died years ago, but from what Sean told me, the family is better off in many ways. And while she has a family who loves and cares for her kids, I watch her solo parent, love, and provide for her children in a way my family never has for me. Five kids, many doctors appointments, special needs, diets, etc, motherhood is really what she was designed for. When she asked what I wanted for Christmas I made an amazon list, unsure of her price range, I made sure to list different items/prices to fit any budget. I'm filled with tears to tell you she bought every damn item on my list! *ugly cries* When her youngest kids, who were assigned to hand out gifts to everyone, kept saying "Kirsten again?!" I felt a little embarrassed, it appeared I had gotten more individual gifts than others. (though I am certain she was more than fair with gift cost across the board) Sean asked for some gift cards, so he didn't do much opening. In the moment I was pretty overwhelmed with kindness, as this wasn't *my* family. But it was! And it was the best Holiday season I had since I was a child. Meaning I felt welcome. No guilt-trips. No Shaming. People who wanted to hear from me. People who didn't ask me to raise my arms to make fun of my armpit hair or tell me to stop talking. People who LOVED ME!

Okay, well except Aiden, who's love for me is pretty deep down because every time I come over he inevitably asks "Not to be rude, but why are you here again?" HAHAHA Rude!

His happy place

I honestly never thought that I would like my boyfriends mother as much as I do Sean's. No wonder Sean has such a loving kind heart! My past boyfriends families don't stand up to what I have now. Seriously. I dated Ray, my most recent ex for a year and half and I never met his mother even once. Tyler, my first love, his mother hated me. Despised me even. And had a bad case of resting bitch face. Ugh, Lana, that woman gives me chills. I was nothing but kind, nice and grateful for her help during my homelessness, but she hated me for being actively mormon, and choose her 25 year old son who lived at home still, as the first person I to have sex with. Which landed me inevitably needing to drop out or I would have been kicked out of BYU, and homeless. *sighs* No sex before marriage!

Anyways, Sean has never met most of my family. And likely never will. I thought about this recently. If the kind of person Sean is, is related to how great of a relationship he has with his mother/family... what does that say about the kind of person I am and being estranged from everyone in mine? At first it did make feel like I was hiding people or something. Come to think of it, none of my ex's really met most of my family. Ray met my dad often, as I lived with him, and he let my mom cut his hair once.

My reply was sarcastic but full of typos because speech text with a "oh yeah! I totally didn't think about that. Sean* definitely didn't grow up in the Mormon cult so I don't think he'd be okay with that. Truthfully neither will I, but I get that and I guess there won't be a visit. Thanks for the heads up!"

But other than that, I've never been close to my family. I considered introducing my family in Southern VA to Sean but got a text back from my aunt that said "you do realize you can't sleep in the same bed while you're here?" and "It's tax season so I'm working a lot." >_>

Who said we decided to "sleep" at your home? Sean and I don't even sleep in the same bed or bedroom in our own home! Jokes on you. And that was the last I've spoke with her. (01/26/2020) She never replied. lol

Whether it was the endless toxic memories I have of them, the cult dwellers, or their still current poor life styles, I honestly couldn't image Sean meeting my mom and liking the encounter. I told him that at first meeting he'd be surprised by our similar mannerism. How we carry ourselves, our inflections, etc. I've shopped in stores my mother frequents and people have mistaken me for her just by my voice. I told him that she would be sure to speak her mind about my weight (whether lost or gained since we last saw each other- she did this to everyone, vocally or behind their backs when sharing with others about her day), looks, race, or sexual orientation frequently. None of those things painting herself in good light. I told him she could be friendly, kind and appealing, but yet she still goes home to a man who views her less than his equal. To the man who belittled me, talked down to me, and treated me poorly in my teenage years.

He's seen my journal entries, he has read my blogs. He has heard the confirmation from my sister, dad and family friends who know her long term. He has already built up a picture of what that would be like. And he knows he isn't missing much, he has a great family and support system as is. He hasn't shown any care to meet my other family otherwise. To which I am grateful, even if I wish I had a family, half as great as his to brag about.

We went to each of his grandparents to give them their Xmas gifts by ourselves, masks on. I gift wrapped a small Mary Kay gift and had a plastic frame of two of our professional Fall photos for them printed. This was the first time that Sean has visited his grandparents, on his own without a full family gathering. Just him as an adult. I found this a bit strange. I was the one who initiated for us to do it since covid didn't allow the family gatherings that happend last year, and I had something for them prepared. While talking to one of the sets, Sean found out some unpleasant things about his grandparents too! Within 5 minutes of us sitting down catching up over the past year, we talked about him being excited for the new year of getting vacation time back. When we went to the beach July 2020 he hurt his foot at Ocean City, needed surgery and had to use the rest of his sick-days and PTO for the year.

On our way home from his grandparent, a tree had fallen in the rain storm in the middle of the road.

His grandfather said "did you have any problems with the blacks while you were there?" and I looked at Sean with wide eyes saying "excuse me? What?" He repeated himself and his grandmother chimed in that "they have nasty fowl language, bad manners and are over populated on the weekend with blacks everywhere." 2020 was the year Sean learned his grandparents were racist. And it was within but minutes of us arriving. I hadn't even taken my jacket off yet.

Of course no family is perfect, but Sean literally had never heard his grandparents talk like that EVER. He was shocked. Dumbfounded. And after a few more comments referencing "the blacks" and how "unlikely they are to get the covid vaccine because we, the whites, tested on them with old vaccines in the past," with roughly over an hour of other random conversation, Sean couldn't wait to text his mom about the evening concerns. We talked about it on the way home because he was bit mortified. He even apologized to me. He also reminded me that they have black grandchildren, his cousins. (*crickets*) Oh boy!

Talk about over sharing! Yikes. I swear, get people alone and they spill all their secrets! The Mormon cult knows exactly what they are doing having "worthiness interviews" for teenagers to hear about their sex lives. *vomits in mouth* Creepy old men listening to children talk about hormones, masturbation, and their dating lives behind closed doors with no one else in the room! #Cults But that's just what my family believes in. . .

You can make it out of bad families and have a desire for change! You can be the difference. You can choose to be someone different any time you want. At any age! Sean's mom did/does. I did and do, too! And together we can love each other more! And that involves listening to the over-sharers. Sometimes* even the racist ones. And being the example of to move forward.

When I bug the shit outta Sean. hahahaha xoxo