Different

I was raised to accept abuse by men.

I was told that fathers and the "men of the house" are to be over the families' well being. But some fathers are no good. Some people shouldn't have ever been parents.

I was taught that what I wear will determine if men and my other peers respect me. And to first question, not listen, when someone talked about being sexually assaulted. Even as a child, always assume guilt not innocence towards the victim.

I was told that I should look for a hard working man to marry and start a family with. Never accepting the possibility that I may not be attracted to men. (Unfortunately I am, lol) But much like my sexuality was predetermined by my gender and cult upbringing, so was most of the rest of my future.

My patriarchal blessing alluded to (predicted a possible future if "worthy and righteous") of being a "mother in Zion". You can receive one of these psychic readings and fortune telling while being an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And when I unpack my belongings (EDIT* Found it!), I will add the photo of it in place of the above stock photos of another real "blessing" from another former member; I linked the blog to a fellow atheist it belongs to! Here. He explains a little more about what patriarchal blessings are.

My mother had THREE abusive husbands we were exposed to: my father Kenneth Rhodes, Chad Canoy- her attractive and yet explosive rebound- that marriage lasted just months, and Lynn (Harold) Mills- her current favorite, OCD, severely racist, sexist, alcoholic. He tried to make her sign a prenup. . .

She consistently chose these men over herself and her children. Again, and again, and again. When they lied to her, when they hit her, when they stole from her, when they abused her. When they cussed at her, made fun of her, made her cry, bought themselves vehicles she wasn't allowed to drive on her birthday. When they gave her rules on how long long she was allowed to preheat the oven for baking Christmas cookies/sweets. When she was begged for sex while she was fighting MONTHS from a severe shell fish allergic reaction that irritated and HURT her inflamed womanhood.

I remember my mother telling me "At least when he goes in-and-out it kind of itches the internal burn that feels like a yeast infection." As we stood in her husbands', yeah- his kitchen, not "their kitchen", getting my hair done/dropping off a Mary Kay order I wondered to myself, my mom isn't allowed to say no to sex to her husband?! You would think I would be disturbed by my mother describing her sex life with such passive ease, but that's my mom. I too have that trait. Blunt abrasiveness.

Conversation with a friend from school who knew my mother's husband and my step brother, Bradly.

Instead, I was disturbed that she felt safe enough to describe what she doesn't recognize was her husband assaulting her. She has been groomed her entire life to accept this behavior. She continued "I didn't want to, but he hasn't been getting any [sex] for so long, I felt bad." OF COURSE YOU FUCKING FELT BAD. You were hospitalized and very ill for months. They thought you had MRSA! Your vagina was swollen and hurt, you couldn't even wear underwear you hurt so bad.... but "had sex" with your husband?

No... it's much more likely my mother didn't feel she had a choice. She was raised to submit to the men in her life; even the shitty ones. It hurt her, she knew it, and she felt she couldn't say no any longer....That is what I find HORRIFYING!

I would like to point out that my mother did fight her way out of her toxic first marriage, and then again with broken heart on her second after she was bruised to a bloody pulp. Her courage to leave only came when her safety and sanity was at breaking point. Everyone's rock bottom is different, no? Her courage none the less, has not saved her from a life time of that vicious circle. I recall a moment between my mother close to the end of our relationship where I informed her I was not monogamous in my sex life. She asked "So you are still sleeping with your ex and going on dates with others?" I said "Yup! Using condoms, staying tested!" She said "isn't that kind of whore-ish?" I replied with conviction "I'd rather have hundreds of men under my belt than any of the three men you have married." She dead gazed at me through the mirror as she curled her long blonde hair, and made a side ways smirk of agreeance, nodded her head, thought for a moment and said the words, I've heard multiple victims of abuse say, "But Lynn has gotten better lately. . . he doesn't drink as much since the heart attack". Her pleading tone of voice was all the reassurance I needed. I smiled, for once she agreed with me.

While I was raised like this, who I am today does not tolerate these toxic behaviors. Years of therapy has taught me I have body autonomy. I can say no? YES, I CAN say no! I deserve respect and enthusiastic consent is of the highest importance when it comes to my body/health! Oddly the thing that taught me consent was the BDSM-kink community. Not my family. Not religion/mormon cult. Not public education.

Shit apology from a guy who pushed my sexual boundaries for his horny self pleasure."Thats not who I am." But it is was, it was literally how he was.

This is a screen shot of someone I "dated" in high school briefly. He always liked me more than I liked him. To be honest, I didn't like him at all, I liked the attention, even when he was physically/sexually pushy with me. Senior week with him, was terrible. Every memory with that guy makes me cringe. Hard. He randomly sent me this message (June 2020) with his half-assed apology. . .

This is one of the many reasons I share my life on my blog: to document my life journey and the changes I have gone through, to expose my abusers and my difficult upbringing that I'm grateful I have finally separated myself from. To heal. So what does one do with all this knowledge?!

I share it. I keep talking. I write my story for others to read. To learn. Meanwhile, I am accosted by "family members", threatened that they will sew me for defamation for sharing the hardships. I was told my entire life to hide these things and that "some things don't need aired out publicly." Our family even keeps a pedophile zipped behind their lips. My sister has chosen to keep that secret to herself all these years, I presume too scared/ashamed/scared to speak up from the years of trauma she too went through. Ooof. So much healing needs to be done.

If I'm not permitted to share MY voice and MY story. . . If I'm not allowed to share where I perceive darkness to be, after coming to light, than this blog would cease to exist.

My mother didn't stand up against the men she has been with, she always eventually gave back in, and by doing so she gave permission and set an example for other men to treat her poorly- perpetuating her abuse cycle.

Mom, if you are reading this, I know how you like to follow my blogs.... remember when Lynn would constantly stick up for Kenny Rhodes? Defend him saying "he didn't know him or his character. Only what you told him"? Do you remember that? How did that make you feel that your new abuser stuck up for your old one? That he didn't believe you? Do you remember how angry Lynn got that last weekend I saw dad before living with you 100% of the time? Lynn made my dad drive to his home to pick me up, Quinn was already there (dad's month) only for my dad to bring me right back home 45 mins in tears? That's another day my DAD called me a fucking bitch, and that I looked and acted just like you on our car drive. Got upset I couldn't stop crying and turned the truck around and made me get out. That's the day Lynn got so angry for "not getting any privacy" because "I refused to play nice", even though I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't have a key or a cell phone to let you know I was returning, I didn't even know if you guys would be home or if I could get in... Both of you were surprised as I carried my red duffel bad through the back side door of Lynn's house (yeah Lynn's house, not yours) You said "Now do you see Lynn, this is the Kenny Rhodes I know." I never went to my dad's house again after that. And Lynn hated us, yes us, more for it. He always did prefer being a part-time parent.

This is not victim blaming, this is a cycle of a abuse and manipulation that has been in my family for generations. My mother/father taught me, a growing woman, to be submissive to my future husband and that the treatment she was receiving was apart of marriage. (three times over!) Permission to be spoken to poorly. Not questioning being told what to do and when do it. Blindly following orders. (maybe she did sign that prenup after all?!) Take the tongue lashings and verbal and public humiliation. I'm already twice the woman you could imagine being by breaking that cycle and not entering abusive, legally-binding. relationships with terrible men. I refuse to marry, live-with and have children with sub par humans she has called her lawfully wedded husbands.

When I heard Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez speech about how a man in congress called her a "fucking bitch", it flashed me back to the first man who called me that too. My own father. The earliest I believe this happening is when I was eleven. But I have written journal entries of it at fourteen, mentioning it was something he said frequently. Her speech was the inspiration to this blog, actually. I wish I had parents more like hers. They raised a strong, lovely woman!

Having a daughter doesn't make a man decent.

Having a wife doesn't make a man sympathetic.

Being married isn't special or a success- when every man my mother married has and continues to hurt her and others around her.

I'm not trying to make every woman a victim; not every woman is, but set those who inherited bondage... free! Free to become their own victors! Free to be treated with respect, love and kindness. Free to realize that they aren't all to blame, and that therapy and help is there for them.

I truly wonder if it is better for some to just continue to live the rest of their lives in that psychological slavery? Without ever escaping that Stockholm syndrome? Some people will never escape the cycle of abuse! It is so heart wrenching. but it is truth. People die daily without so much as knowing life could be better. With out recognizing what the women before us have fought for, while some are still choosing a life of submission and captivity. (I say "choosing" because when raised in a cult, you honestly can't choose otherwise- you never knew anything else. Some people need rescuing) I know the soul shattering pain of walking away from everything you've ever known into a world of the unknown, while being demeaned from that group and isolated from them because "i'm not longer one of them." I think my mom might know a little about that too, when she walked away from her first marriage, and inevitably her 2nd, covered in bruises/blood/sadness. The things the people did and said to her in the cult were likely fucking terrible. The constant inward battle of doing something better for yourself and your kids, while things like "divorce" held her in contempt of "spiritual blessings and righteousness".

I was told by two mutual friends that my mother confided in, that when we were in high school, she married and lived with Lynn, her current husband, so we kids would have a place to live until we became adults. And that when we were all gone, she would leave too. That has yet to happen and I think that is scary.

I keep looking at myself in the mirror surprised at who is looking back. A warrior woman who has fought her entire life. Fought against my family. Fought against myself. My mental illnesses. My belief system, and leaving the Mormon cult. When will I stop fighting? When will the work be done to safely rest? Am I in good, safe company now? Or am I exposed to others who have rough upbringings that will also bleed on me because they are hurt and damaged too? What is the solution to those who hurt? What shower will cleanse the gore from our red stained vision of generational abuse?

I have accepted that my mother won't change. If she does it will come to great surprise. But I'm not waiting around for others to move in the same direction as me, or caught up!