Nuclear

I use to idolize one of my aunt and uncle relationships. No one told me too, but when my dad's brother and his wife were never around, I just had my mothers sisters families. Nikki always gave the most bizarre junk Christmas gifts. While she was thoughtful to send anything at all, everything she always gifted went right into the trash. She also had a failed marriage, no one blames her from leaving, he was an abusive man. But she wasn't my perfect example of a loving home 2k miles away in Idaho being a divorced Mormon.

Leslie would pay for a years subscription of the monthly church magazines for me.

Something with my name on it to teach me about god. To my make my home a little bit more "heavenly" while most of my childhood was hell with regular CPS, family court, custody battles through my parents divorce. This was something she didn't allow us to talk about, and would scold us if she overheard, while in her home/around her children. Keeping the abuse just between my siblings and I. I understand her children were younger, her oldest is 5 years younger than me, but even as grown adults, can't hold mature conversations. Typical cult programming. "Sheltering people from real-world affairs."

I thought that Leslie and her husband was a perfect example of a faithful, happy, healthy, educated, well to do, temple-going-family. He was even a beloved bishop in his ward for a little bit, and still serves in "high" callings in their church. Until I spent time in their home and heard implicit bias remarks, demeaning sexist mentality, homophobia, body shamming and more.

The view looking out the front windows of their home.

I loved that between the both of them (Leslie and her husband Scott) They had something like 15 years of college education. She is a CPA and him a lawyer with his own private firm. (two locations now, I believe!) They own a beautiful two-story 3k+sq/ft home on roughly 15 acres of land in the dairy farming south of Virginia. It's beautiful. They had four children, all in extra circular activities, thriving. I never saw the married couple argue. At least nothing like my own parents. They made decent money and never wanted for anything. Church every Sunday and more.... The perfect molly Mormon family.

A higher education than her husband, might I add.

It wasn't until I visited them for the summer after my junior year of High school (2010) after their children all went to bed that I ever was aware enough to catch their racey words. She laugh and joked about Michele Obama and how she "looked like a monkey." And how a woman with her body shouldn't be showing her arms. I actually thought Michelle was beautiful, and I remember speaking up about it, but I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I do remember feeling embarrassed I ever said anything while sitting in their house, eating their ice cream, on their sofa. I now realize how racist she was being.

Most of my education and learning as a child about the "curse of dark skin" (these people were evil and god turned their skin black) in scripture study, actually came from the Farthings home. And I'm not proud to say I regurgitated that nonsense out to others. (see two quotes from Mormon leaders below)

During this time I thought a fun photo shoot with the kids would be cute. Everyone got dressed up in fun outfits, I set up a sheet in the background and I used one of their digital camera's that they got for Christmas one year. I remember Caden wore the cutest princess dress that I took photos of him in, and posted on Facebook in an album called "Fun With Cousins". I was instructed immediately after to remove them as they were inappropriate and unacceptable behavior in their home. Little boys should not be wearing princess dresses. I don't believe I ever sent myself copies anywhere of them for proof. Leslie made him get a "Boy costume" in order to continue to be in our photo shoot fun. *sighs* So here he is as batman. He only had just those few photos, because the others were shamed. Never mind he has played with barbies and dress up most of his life, even into early teens. And yeah, sometimess they would kiss, and sometimes he would pull their heads off. Sounds like me, honestly. Wanting to play the game "Pretty Pretty Princess"(spinning a spinner to put on colorful plastic jewelry, first one to put on everything, wins!) with his three sisters and painting his toes. How much is "too much girlie", Leslie and Scott? It's not quite clear. What age is it no longer acceptable to play dress up and fun? Do you have a list written down for him to follow? Never read any Mormon manuals on that.

When I dropped out of college I became homeless and my aunt and uncle took me in for 10 months. Those ten months were long and hellish. If you ask them, they will agree. I was in the hospital almost every month I lived with them for my mental health struggles. I recount one of my most traumatic incidents in another blog here, Wytheville. And during this time I observed much about how their family operated as their children aged.

They valued family dinner at the table. Less is more when it came to TV time and they always had family prayer before bed and scripture study in the mornings before school. They also shamed me for not shaving my legs often enough, then shamed me for shaving my public hair because "why do you want to look like a child down there?" and "is it because you want to feel sexy?" (Read-Bootylicous, and Trimming the Hedges.) Why did it matter what I choose to do with my body hair? My family now shames me for never shaving my armpits. . . Always something to dislike with my body. Leslie never failed to mention when she notice me gaining weight while trying new psychiatric medicines and still growing into my womanly body. (ages 19-20) "Spending a lot of time in the fridge lately, are we?"

While tapping notes in her chocolate cabinet (Pro gay-rights btw) where she hid her M&M's that say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". It's likely still in her cabinet today. Taking medicine was a brainwashed requirement set by my mother to live in other's families homes. "You shouldn't let her go unmediated in your home- she is better when medicated." Which so far has prove false, now at 27 and un-medicated.

I remember one morning a heated conversation with Mikayla, the oldest, and both of her parents before she went to Seminary- Seminary is a Mormon intensive scripture doctrine class that is typically 45-60mins long and held every morning before school for grades 9-12. In densely Mormon populated areas seminary is apart of regular school curriculum and there is a separate building near by it is held in, as well as an empty time slot during your school day to attend the elective class. It is mandatory in strict Mormon households and families pressure their children that it looks great on their future college applications/job resumes.

Mikayla had been over sleeping and missing Seminary, and/or falling behind in other class in school. I remember Scott telling her that they would take aware her dance classes, which she has loved since about 4 years old, and ground her if she didn't put more effort into her studies. I recall through tears and frustration she replied in the kitchen as she grabbed her things for seminary storming out the door. "You can't do that! Dance is my life, it always will be, you aren't listening to me, I am trying."

Mikayla, I heard that conversation. I heard you. I heard your heart. I know you, too, have struggled with depression. I know this message is about 8 years late, but I know what being suppressed by family members and cult traditions. I know it is hard. You family was far more strict. When my family grounded me from church, yours made you make it a top and sometimes only, priority. I know that I am viewed as an outcast, the anti-Christ, the apostate, and the crazy one in the family. And that you "shouldn't talk to me". Shwoo girl, I promise I'm not the only crazy one with this families blood in my veins. I have a feeling others are joining me into the apostate world. And yes, from your very own family. *winks* And when they do, because it takes time, I'll be here, for you. <3 You're going to need someone when your family treats you like an outcast, because they I saw what they did to you then, I can only image what they might do now.

I also recall a more private conversation regarding my sex life I had with my aunt driving home one day from errands, when she was concerned that I was going to get pregnant. I told her, ahhh condoms! And that there are plenty of ways to have sex that don't involve a penis and a vagina for baby making. She paused curious and confused "what do you mean?" I said "oral, anal, fingers, T-" and before I could say toys she said "KIRSTEN that doesn't go there!" I laughed and was like "what doesn't go where?" She proceeded to give me a talk about sodomy from Sodom and Gomorrah... That day I learned that she thinks anal sex was "homosexual sex" and is "wrong". HAHAHA That day I learned that my aunt never gave or received oral sex. And she feels bad for me? Yikes. She is missing out. I'm also concerned she doesn't recognize "fingering" and "oral sex" as actual SEX. Mormon education for you though....

Leslie and Scott also graciously funded a pricey endeavor that I was interested after we both heard a radio advertisement for "young actors and performers". They encouraged me find a better job and to stop working at Pizza Hut. It turned out to be a scam for some music/acting/performing agency after I spent hundreds in gas money for months (driving roughly 2 hours away 2X's a week) and my aunt and uncle dishing out roughly $4k for their "services and opportunities." I still haven't been able to pay them back for. I was looking for a way to do something that made me happy and could take me far away from family and the hillbilly town I was in. Being an performer sounded amazing! It didn't pan out though. And eventually my mental illness became too much of a burden for them and they kicked me out of their house, a week after having wrecked/totaled my vehicle. Homeless again. (2013)

Look how happy he is!

I was having a good patch of life in 2017, when I went to visit my family again for a week. I visited old friends, and spent a bunch of time with my cousins. I even brought the newly released Mary Kay charcoal face mask (wash off- no pain) with me and wanted everyone to try it and give me their feed back. I never thought I had to fight Scott for letting Caden, his son and my male cousin, to use a "girlie face mask". I wasn't aware of his sexism, but he had a masters degree in law from Virginia Tech. Who the fuck taught him that skin care was for "girls only"? You know your wife buys your adult acne gel from me, right dude? He "didn't want his son getting confused." and "it's why we fought with Kaitlyn to wear dresses to church every Sunday even though she wanted to wear pants." Are you scared of your children being feminine? Why? Are women or their perceived hobbies somehow lesser and to be shamed? Never mind that every human has skin and things like make up were used by both male and female ancient Egyptians. Ultimately "your house, your rules though", no matter how sexist they are.

Leslie plead with him to let Caden join with the other girls and I, and I also offered it to my uncle as well, it would help with his adult acne. I couldn't believe this was an issue. Mind blown folks. Did someone serve this country bumpkin his tea unsweetened? Oh, right... Mormon. No tea allowed. *rolls eyes*

I have many good memories with these people. I had my first date when I turned 16 at their home. Cook outs with country home style food, outside games, wholesome activities, swimming and quality family vacations, etc- but looking back almost all of them were tainted with shameful ideologies and harmful bigotry.

What is shameful is how long I dealt with their bullshit. How long I stayed quiet. How long I stayed MORMON. *gags* How long it took me to get here. So where is it I am exactly at? Healing. I'm healing.

Indeed I am sorry for the things I said when I was Mormon. I was completely under the influence of some very questionable people, from all sides. Even though I looked up to the most. Not even material successes with big houses, masters degree's, and daily family prayers can mask harmful parental rhetoric. In fact it probably enabled it, using your education to demean others into following less than loving culture. I grew up with two fairly UNeducated parents, and it shows. Lower middle class, Child Protective Services visited frequently. Court hearings of custody and constant parent fighting. I was only in my aunt and uncles home for a short, very difficult and traumatic time of my life, I am sure there is so much more that went unnoticed because I was still an active believer in the cult teachings. How many other thoughts and acts of bigotry and indoctrination did I participate in? None the less, I still believe my cousins had it better growing up than I did, but only ever so.

As the titles suggests, my family is nuclear. And sharing my truths, my traumas and my memories, have helped me rip apart who I was and literally explode into a different person, or so the conservative Mormons now view me. It wasn't easy getting here. I don't expect life to get any easier really. This is my journey.