Bootylicious

Yup that's me! I love my gorgeous belly and hips! And hairy legs!

"Do you really think you need another slice of pizza?" My mothers third (or should I say TURD) husband asked my 16 year old self when I went for a 3rd piece?

My sassy teen self replied "Yes" and put it on my plate. 

He sharply replied "Don't you want a boy friend?"

Even though I knew instantly where he was going with this conversation, I wanted to hear him say it out loud. I took the bait. I replied "What does a 3rd piece of pizza have to do with getting a boyfriend?" (My mom nodded and mumbled through a bite of her own pizza- she didn't follow his train of thought at all, unlike myself)

16 year old me

He replied matter of fact "Pizza isn't very healthy and it makes you gain weight. Boys like thin women, not heavy women. I thought you wanted to loose weight?" 

Tears welling behind my eyes I glared at him and darted eye contact to my mother, standing next to him. She heard every word and shoved another bite of pizza in her mouth, shrugged her shoulders with indifference and acceptance of "meh, he's not wrong". She swallowed and said in a mocking and coo'ing tone "Now Lynn, we know a 3rd piece of pizza isn't going to make her fat..." As I took my 3rd piece of pizza down to my room in the basement with a slammed door. I heard them fight over me; eating the diner they prepared for everyone.... but me apparently.

And that is one of many stories I remember growing up. The lack of confidence, pushing that beautiful light I had inside me into a hole because I wasn't suppose to be proud or happy of my body. I wasn't suppose to like who I was or even enjoy food. The toxic behavior.... Man if I just had good people in my life then, I would have had such a better start to life. And you know looking back at my teen age body, I was beautiful, I was healthy. The people and doctors in my life perpetuated body shaming and it hurt my developing pre-teen and teen mind.

Fast forward 10 years to a body confident new me. I'm 26, embracing each new shape as my body grows and changes. I don't hide behind pillows when I sit down anymore, I wear crop tops and bikinis to show off my belly, now with full dark purple stretch marks. I buy and wear clothing that fits me NOW instead of buying clothing I need to loose weight to fit into later. I take photos of myself nude, for me and love them.

18 year old me!

How did I get here? I have my first love to thank for starting this. He was also my first full sexual partner. He loved me through the emotional challenge of loosing my virginity as an actively practicing Mormon. He told me every day, my 5'0 145lb body was beautiful and he truly meant it; even though purity shaming was huge, and there was so much self hate. He showed me what he loved: the black fleck in my left eye I never noticed. My inny belly button that seemed to go in forever, (Jiggle!) my breasts that didn't even fill an A cup, my freckles on my skin, my big toes, my hairy legs, my love handles, my crooked tooth. AND MY CLINGLY SELF RIGHTEOUS personality. I still had major work to do, but he loved me as is- and I didn't know why. Even I thought I was a pretty trash human back then with my belief system of racism and homophobia with the mix of Mormon self righteousness, body love aside, I needed serious work.

He fucking loved every part of me. Unlike my mother. That man was an angel and taught me the meaning of self love, through tenderness, and daily reassurance. He was my best friend.

From there, my Mary Kay business taught me self improvement and confidence in my ability to feel beautiful and make others feel and look beautiful too! I learned to be humble during homelessness in my late teens when I dropped out of BYU-I for choosing to be sexually active with my then boyfriend. I learned the value of running water, warm dry socks, and real people kindness, not just customer service fake smiles. I didn't love myself with 3 day old make up on, but I tried and sure wanted to.

Super Poor quality, but you get the point. Age 20 (left was 162lbs- the right was 4 months later at 120lbs)

That homelessness continued on and off for 3 years and I gained and lost weight during that time. The lowest I hit starving myself was 117lbs. Everyone raved about how I looked, encouraging my poor habits, not knowing I was choosing to starve myself and double up on pysch meds to cut my appetite completely. My hair started falling out. My periods irregular, doctors said my urine had significant signs of muscle deterioration and wanted me to eat more. I eventually came off those meds myself, against doctors orders. For me, I knew I deserved better.

I've done vegan diets, yoga, running, zumba, lifted weights, green tea, weight loss pills, body suits/spanx, skipped meals.... the list goes on. But I know what healthy looks likes. And while I'm not 100% there at the moment, I know most of my life hasn't been healthy, even when I was thin. Healthy isn't a destination, it's journey, and so is self love. Some days are better than others. I hide the scale under my laundry basket in my bathroom and sometimes it will be months before I remove it to step on it to see those numbers. I even changed it to metric so it looks like a lower number on the screen. (makes me feel better)

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22.

Self love isn't hating on others, but I've surpassed the confidence and self love that I know my mother dreams of having. She deserves to be happy, but I can't make that choice for her. She doesn't have power over me or my body anymore. I am wanted and loved, and it isn't by her. It's by me! And believe it or not, I'm more important than her opinion of me, because she's one of the monsters from my toxic childhood. She always wanted thin daughters.... well she married and had children with a man who's family genetics were curvy. Tough. We didn't inherit size 4 bodies like her. I'm so happy I'm 26 with this personal growth. I couldn't imagine mothering three children through self loathing, 3 marriages of domestic violence, while being a beautician. She spent my entire teen and early 20's making other people feel beautiful while she hated herself.

Things to note:

1. Men are not reassurance to love yourself. Or partners in general.

2. You do not need to have sex to love your body.

3. You do not have to embrace nudity to love your body.

4. YOU ARE OKAY JUST AS YOU ARE, RIGHT THIS VERY DAMN SECOND.

So now what?

What in your life would be different if you loved your body? How about if you liked your personality? Take yourself on a date. Good food, face mask, cute outfit, paint those nails and make a list of all the things you love about yourself. Some people can't think of anything and that's when you know it's time to make a change.... Write down things you'd like to love about yourself. Get to know yourself! If you do not like something, and you can't change it, you must learn to love it. It isn't going away, so why dislike something that makes you, you? But if you can change something about yourself like your attitude, thoughts, health, belief system, how you self talk- love it for its purpose now and press forward.

24- Belly out! Those flowers aren't tall, I'm just short.

Start each morning with 1 affirmation in the morning I suggest "Hello beautiful!" You must say it out loud, to yourself. And to your body. You must look at yourself. Eyes open. You'll feel odd at first, it might even seem completely stupid and wrong, but the more you say it, the more you feel it. And the more you won't accept anything less from any one in your life. It took me years to accept that I wasn't some lard ass no one wanted to be around. Those false thoughts were planted by the terrible adults who raised me. So whether it be your mother, a boss or a significant other, if they don't greet you with something beautiful, know that you already have better company- yourself! And don't forget to let them know it!

26, and feeling fine as hell!