The Pleasure Has Been Mine

Trigger Warning: Sex, nudity, Marijuanna, Plant Medicine, Suicide mention, Self harm

I use to use this blog a lot more frequently. So to my viewers who miss me and my rambles, my apologies there hasn't been more blog this year. I've really been focusing on me. I've been a lot more productive than the past few years. Covid made writing weekly blogs easier, I had a lot of free- indoor- connected to wifi time.

Just because I'm not posting blogs doesn't mean I have stopped writing or sharing/documenting my story. So whats new? I'm single, again. (not surprised) If I care to share how Dillon and I ended at a future date, I may share, otherwise, all important people already know how that played out. So him and his family are off the hook for now. lol

Dating seems to grow more and more difficult as I get older. I still look and feel young, but I am hardly meeting any good eligible candidates. I'm sincerely considering a physical move in order to find a good love life. I just don't think western Maryland is going to bring me what I'm looking for. And with that? Here are some funny bumble screen shots!

He unmatched me.

And that is my experience with men. As I seek to date women I am over loaded with unicorn hunting couples. *sighs* Its a lose-lose situation it seems.

whoops

What else is new? I'm blonde again and plant to stay it for at least the next 10 months. I'm aiming for a cute bob style in blonde. Than we will introduce fun colors again. I'm thinking purple. My roots had been growing out and I thought they looked pretty bad, so I found some bleach and went to it. Unfortunately, I missed a few spots. But over all it looks so much better. I hope Sabrina (my hair girl) forgives me. I was suppose to see her in two weeks. I just couldn't do those roots anymore. I was unaware of the spot I missed and was quite proud until the Target fitting rooms today with the full size double mirrors that allow you to see what your back looks like.... and than I saw it. At least one spot missed. I wasn't looking for more. haaaa

Honestly though I'm still happy I did a decent job...

Before

After

I had another fun boudoir shoot with Kat Bailey! Red, wet and cherries were the theme. Also a stripper pole! I won't have those photos back for another 4 weeks, but it is something new that I was excited about. She was pretty excited about how the photos were turning out, so I'm hopeful they are cute!

Here's a tease I took before the shoot.

hi

I also scored a cheap hotel next month for fire fly $55/night! And Only 30 mins away from the venue! I'm ecstatic and grateful for friends with the hook ups!

I got a fun idea while high one night that next year is my 30th Birthday and I'd like to plan a fun trip! possibly out of country ... I have 9-ish months to plan it! I'm thinking spa, club, beach, or mountains with a secluded hot tub vibe with my closest friends. I have 3 people picked so far. I'd be okay with just them but also welcome for more, including my potential partner(s) at the time. It is about a year away.

I was also going to be taking my death- doula classes this month, August, but discovered they had a scholarship program that if I waited could apply for and hopefully qualify, save money and still learn! Speaking of which I need to follow up and apply, they probably re-opened the link! There is always something to juggle in this life. I am grateful that my current life circumstances is allowing me to perform at a higher level with multitasking! Bills, oil changes, jobs, illness, social life, education, healing, it never ends.

More new things! My mental health has taken a dip the past month, probably what has encouraged actually writing this blog, depression.... Anyways, I'll be headed to a Partial Hospitalization Program. Mon-Frid 9am-3:30pm of being in groups with therapists and seeing a shrink to iron out meds during this low time/ rapid cycling. This is a brief mention of the struggles I have been having but I plan to write more about it in another blog too. This blog was for catch ups. Anyways, I'm not excited to go to PHP 5 days a week for 3 weeks, but I think it needs done at this point to keep up my

My hair is as white as the wall. lol

Ah yes I was saving best for last. My shroom experience. Magic mushies. Psilocybin. Fun-gi.

Yes, I did that. And I'm going to tell you how it went/ what it was like. But before I do I need to explain that this experience is incredibly hard to put words to. My experience with plant medicine thus far is that it is a FEELING and not a *doing*. It's meant to be experienced, not explained. But I have more questions now than going into it.

So from the top. I found someone I trusted to watch over me, "babysit" me, for the 6-8+ hours this experience could take. I paid them $300, however if I had more to give they certainly deserved it. They bought, prepped and made me food. They sang and played music over me during most of the "trip". It indeed was a trip. A journey. To places I've never been, but places I'd like to visit again. Now I'm getting ahead of myself.

The journey started around 3 pm on Sunday July 31st. I had fasted the entire day in preparation. I really really didn't want to vomit during this experience, and I've heard that many do. We started cross legged on the floor after we shared a bowl of "wifi glue" indica. (yes weed, dispensary grade) This helped calm my nerves. They weighed the dosage and I took 2.5 grams (about 4.5 dried mushroom heads). I was asked to come prepared for the experience with questions to ask the plants. My shaman refers to them as "teacher plants" and to come prepared with intention is how to get the most from the experience.

My intention? I wanted a reason to stay alive. I didn't have any good reasons...

Than I ate them with fruit and specialty chocolate. Everyone told me that they would taste terrible. It barely tasted at all. I than chased everything down with vegan chocolate milk and laid down on my yoga mat. My weed high was beginning to wear off an hour into the experience and I began doubting that I took enough. Why wasn't anything happening? My shaman seemed annoyed as my nervousness came back and I kept asking them what time it was and how long it had been since I ate them. And than....

I had the most blissful, orgasmic pleasure for hours.....I cried non stop. The entire time. I went to other levels of consciousness. Rather, in and out of this current earth life reality. Kirsten Danielle Rhodes, felt like a fairy tale. Well known, but not real. And often felt very far away.

I brought comfort items with me to ground me; my pillow, my rock necklace, peppermint essential oil, pen and paper. I've used essential oils for years. Peppermint is strong and a flavor I can lick the cap of the dispenser and smell, feel and taste, invoking multiple senses at once. I was also "stimming" to hold my consciousnesses to my body by twisting the lid on and off in my right hand by my side. I did this because I was afraid if I let go of feeling my body... I wouldn't know how to come back to it. To feel it again. At times the only part of my body I was aware of was the essential oil taste on my tongue and lips, and the plastic pepermint esssential oil cap in my right index finger and thumb. In fact all I could feel was the sopping wetness behind my head. Where was the wetness coming from? How long had it been there? Huh, My cheeks were wet too. Most of my face was. I squeezed my eye closed and tears rolled down my cheeks and into my hair behind my head. My tears caused this much wetness? Wow, how long was I crying? *more tears are tickling my cheeks. I'm sobbing. I can hear myself sobbing now. I feel my boddy sobbing. with my eyes still closed, I haven't found my "Sight" yet, I wiped my eyes. than I wiped my nose because that is also what was running dow my face. LOTS OF FUCKING SNOT. I sniff embaressed of not being aware of my body fluids... and that it hit me. I had to pee.

Quick everyone, find yourself. I scanned up my body, toes, ankles, legs, thighs, hips, torso, chest, lungs.... woah, breath... pepermint is tingly... okay shoulders, neck, eyes. there were my eyes... through tears and the symmetrical lines the shrooms were casting in my vision. I look over to my Shaman. Doing yoga. I found this humorous because I have to pee and I can't find the floor yet. I know its connected to the couch I'm laying on and the yoga poses next to me, but I barely feel my body as one object. just several working parts..... And they say "hey girl!" in hushed tones noticing I had come back for a moment. WORDS. human speak words here.... words... I felt drugged. O was staring, directly into their soul. It was creepy. I closed my eyes again and I told them I didn't know why I was crying, it was all so beautiful, pleasurable and happy. I've cried over happy hings before, but nothing like this. I'm crying while recalling this moment now actually. lol And than I said, I had to pee.

Side note: I plan to explore this experience with more confidence in the future and relax into it next time! "Letting go of my body" I also needs to be in nature. Not inside a home i don't think.

THE BATHROOM

The first bathroom break wasn't the issue, the second one was. I would walk to the bathroom, open the door, sit on the toilet as the room breathed on its own. I couldn't seem to let myself pee in case I was dreaming and still on the couch in a daze. Nothing felt real. I like I was trapped, limited by my body and like I was going to wet myself if I couldn't give myself permission to go. I bit my lip. Splash water on my face. Dug my nails into my thigh, talked to myself, talked to the cat meowing outside the door. I wanted to be sure what is happening was real. Because the places I had been visiting felt more real than this earth life. While on these different....worlds?! Levels? Weird places? I'm still not sure. I trusted myself and had the best pee of my life.

I laid back on the wet pillow and felt the coolness behind my head pull me back into sweet joy. I was in a latex spandex cartoon network- vibe, pink and neon green erotic dream. World? Planet? I don't know. Everything was round, balloon like and SHINEY! When I say erotic, I mean it could be seen as a sensual/sexual atomostphere. Nothing sexual was happening here in this neaon world or on earth for the record. This part of the journey actually reminded me of my friend Yumi and her artistic interests and aesthetics.

I was taken someplace else. I don't know how I got there but it felt deeper, farther away even. If that's possible. This place It was multidimensional like earth, but flat? Matte? Dark. With bright lights that looked like stars everywhere, but symmetrical stars. I was in a grid world? I remember turning around looking behind myself, and seeing myself, my body on that blue sofa in Baltimore Maryland in the US, Planet earth, Milky way Galaxy system and thinging...I thought to myself "If that is me, who's this here thinking these things?" I could hear my shaman chanting, singing, playing music and the wind chimes. I'd take a deep breath to make sure my body still breathes only to melt into the next dimension of more and more joy. Far away from earth. At this time I had the option to leave this life. Not die, but exist else where. Pretty much anywhere on this grid I gathered. If I could travel there I could go. But why go back to the blue couch on Earth? In truth I didn't want to come back to earth reality. Once I was aware of multiple consciousnesses at once.... earth life, earth consciousnesses seemed so fucking stupid compared to what I was experiencing. , but I worried what would happen to my body if I didn't come back

I once again came back to this reality. I had to pee. of course I had to pee. So much information kept being poured into my head in between these bathroom breaks. I felt my physical body was burden to this journey, to the experience.

PARANOIA

We're almost done all that I plan on sharing with you guys. Now comes the paranoia. I had a hard time getting comfortable in this providers home. I've been in their home several dozens times before, but not while it was dark outside and never to stay the night. In fact never longer than 3 hour at a time. And I had been there for almost 10 hours. I know I paid them for their services, but I somehow felt ery out of place. They offered me to spend the night on the couch in case I couldn't drive safely home since we started later than planned, and it lasted quite a while. I wasn't exactly prepared for spending the night. But I also didn't feel sober enough to drive home yet. I was covered in sweat, I smelled, gross and I had a hard time waking up from that trip. I felt like I was dreaming. Everything I was experiencing felt like a dream. Did I make this all up. Kirstne doesn't do drugs, how did I get here? To make sure i wasnt in a dream I grabbed my phone. Read my missed messages. Pushed buttons, drank water. Trying to validate this reality. This story that felt like a faint memory all felt wrong.

I was greeted with another "hey sister" as I started to make more eye contact and was sitting on my yoga mat again. I joined my shaman on their yoga mat and had them reach out and touch my finger to show me this was real. That I didn't make up this boring 29 years of my life. The thought of "I wasn't meant for this life" is more intense now from coming back from THAT. What ever THAT was.. Being shown other ways to live. Other places to live. To leave my body behind and set my mind free, sounded so nice. This all played a role in the paranoia. Paranoia that I was roofied, instead of a fully consensual professional experience. Why else would I be invited to spend the night? So we talked about my experience over fruit, chocolate, hummus and pizza.

I told them about the different places I went. I told them I had the opportunity to not come back and why I felt that way. They told me they had met some people that call themselves "walk ins". People who had severed their consciousness/soul from their body and live else place. What an opportunity eh? I still can't believe I passed it up. But that because of the paranoia. Anyways, these "walk-ins" apparently introduce themselves as the body of the host, but share that they are gone, and someone else. Someone else is test driving the body.

REFLECTION

So, Athiest me wants to throw all of the above in the "drugs" bucket and call it a cool experience, but I'm not sure I can do that. What I felt that night was unlikely anything I have ever experienced before. This is nothing like me "hearing god" talk to me or claiming I know what's out there. This is nothing like "feeling the holy spirit" either. I'm not any less atheist than I was before this experience. Why? Because I still have a disbelief in the existence of a God/Gods. This experience did not teach me or show me that a God/Godess created these places. Psilocybin certainly took me to these places, and showed me around a bit. I did not meet any beings on my journey. I think it would scare the shit out of me if I did though, But that is kind of where that stops for now.

The past two weeks has been reflection and this part is important too. I drove home that night, not sober. Nothing bad happen, but I won't do that again. It was a trust/paranoia thing. We will plan better, and maybe start the next experience earlier in the day. Yes the next time. I have decided I will do this again, but I need some time in between each session. You see, these magic mushies expend all of your serotonin in your body at once. After a decent/large doses, you are depleted. I also have a few mood disorders and it left me critically suicidal for about 2.5 days after. However, anyone who knows me knows that this is not news. I've felt this way without mushrooms for the past 29 years of my life. At least there was the best experience of my life in exchange for a mood dip this time. The energy exchange was sufficient. But it made for a rough past two weeks. As I said, I am headed to a three- week hospital program now. That being said, I have also gone to these programs without mushies involved. Several times infact. I did also self harm for the first time in a few years that same week. (I was also trying a new pysch medication during this time and blame it for my rapid cycling. I am off that medication now) Honestly mixing pysch meds with hallucinogens is not recommended. But this was my experience.

I'm told each trip is different I have no idea if I will be given a similar experience or opportunity again. It's not exactly cheap for me. Anyways i know what I'm saying doesn't probably sounds super crazy. I fucking know. I don't know what to do with this information yet. But I feel prompted to share. Also I truly do believe I had the best experience of my entire life. Thus far anyways.

I asked the plants to give me a reason to live. It showed me pleasure. Pleasure is a reason to live. And they agreed I wasn't getting enough of it! <3

Thoughts? Questions?