6 Months Later. . .

Hello fellow readers and hello to the nosey fucks who hate me, but still read my blog. :)

Six months of Latuda down and as of right now I am stable on my current medication regimen. Latuda 40mg, Prozac 20mg, Benzatropine 2mg. I'm waking up in a neutral mood instead of a suicidal one. And I think this could be game changing for my life; so as long that the medication keeps working. Medication is known to plateau/stop working for people who struggle with "treatment resistances". (It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.) Also know that four of the six past-months I spent trying to find the perfect dosages of these two medications. Lowering/ upping a dose, weekly appointments; back tracking when I started to get restless legs, so we added the benzatropine. And here we are.

Choosing to use psych medications takes LOTS OF FUCKING TIME. These meds, compared to street drugs, work slowly. No one is out here smoking prozac and snorting serquill to take the edge off life. lolol It can be 6-8 weeks before you notice anything. And another 3-6 months to see the best results. Mental illness is complex and comprised of many things. Learned behaviors, coping skills, unprocessed trauma, poor self confidence, under privileged, poverty, things we don't even know about yet because science isn't there yet, etc. These things make a perfect breeding ground for poor mental health. But something is finally working in my favor. I'll take it.

Anyways, yesterday I was told to "think before I publish" my blogs. So that I stop bleeding on (hurting) my readers. And it stung. It stung to know that someone who says they care about me, doesn't support one of many coping skills I am using to heal from my trauma. My blog has been an asset on my mental health journey and this person hasn't spoke up about their distaste until yesterday, despite only reading 3 of the 100+ blogs currently written, over 18 months ago. But I've been journaling since age 11 and my earliest entry I could find dates to Dec 2006.

I want to express that I do not regret anything that is published here on my website. Each blog was thoughtfully and carefully written, edited (my sister use to edit my blog) than published. Of course this is not the worst thing said to me about my blog. My sister told me my other family members were prepared/taking actions to sue me for the things written on this website. Sueing me over my public journey entries? Laaaame. Those were empty threats because that never came to fruition. Just a bunch of bitter people I guess. If you want to be remembered fondly, treat people fondly.

I want to be remembered for my transparency on my life story. So what's new in life? I currently have two partners right now. One of them and his girlfriend are coming to the beach with me! I leave tomorrow evening! And I'm still not packed. lol But I'm excited. Exciting to spend time with my best friend Abby, Austin and my metamour. I want to be sitting in the sand, sun kissing my skin, and vibing with the people in my life who love me and treat me well. I am ready to get out of Hagerstown.

Eli, my other partner is adorable and we have a healthy open dialogue in our relationship. This allows us to explore our bodies and the pleasure that our kinks can bring when you act with love. Eli was invited to go to the beach also and I was a little sad he wasn't able to come, but he bought me gift and said it was his apology for not coming.No apology needed, but it was super sweet he was thinking of me anyways. He got me a cute green/clear glass bubbler. Making it my second glass piece! I joked with him about never buying myself any glass because this is the second partner I've had buy me something to smoke my weed in. lol Eli definitely has a love language of gifts, on our second date he brought me home grown massive sweet potatoes. Yes, yams. Another fun memory I have is being over at Eli's home and finding a record from Weird Al Yankovic. He said he didn't know his dad had that. So of course we played it! I like making new happy memories with good people. And the best way to discribe Eli's personality? Very dog like. Loyal and kind.

I still attend monthly acupuncture at least once, and up to three times a month if I can afford more. It's in Baltimore, 90mins away, and I pay out of pocket and make that drive for his services. Because they are worth it. Nick and his dedication to the healing arts has been another awakening for me. I'm unlocking some really cool things about myself because he provides a space for comfort, wellness and growth. Things like daily meditation! Yes daily! From 10 minutes to an hour I spend meditating, usually in the sun. It's not as great on the non-sunny-days. I totally understand why our ancestors worshiped the sun! It's warm, bright, inviting! And it's real, unlike all the different sky daddy's/mommy's so many people still pray to. Anyways, who knew a hippy man in his late 30's with long hair and a great smile could give me so much support. He is patient, he is kind, he is LOVE. And I've never met anyone else like him. No one else in my intimidate friend group has met him, and yet meeting him has changed me so much. Sometimes the thought of Nick almost feels "not real", because we don't have mutual friends. But I think he's exactly the type of person who has really amazing friends.

I got a gym membership! Again! And I was going to the gym roughly 2x's a week! I say was, because I haven't been since February now. I really need to start going back. Otherwise it's $26/month I could be saving. Not much more to say here, but I will get back to it. I know it! Other news: I still go to therapy with Ericka, in Westminster (70mins away). I have been doing better so instead of weekly, it's every two weeks now! I believe this to be progress. My PTSD symptoms are decreasing and I haven't had any mania for several months. I do miss the mania because it feels good and productive/energized. But both the depression and the mania seems under control right now which is the best I can hope for. I've been doing several months of a "no spend challenge" where I look at what I'm spending my money on and cut out unnecessary expenses. This has allowed me to grow my savings and focus my income on all my coping skills. Gas to therapy and acupuncture, visiting friends, beach trips, home internet and other things that help me feel more joy. Ever since I had my shroom experience last year, I have been focusing on making decisions to things that bring me more pleasure. A pleasure chaser, if you will. I am discovering myself, again and again. I am changing, growing and am an active participant trying to make my life more enjoyable.

That's it for now. Chat again soon!