Stretch Marks

From the time i was a young girl I fantasized about having a "basket ball belly" during Pregnancy with all the kids i wanted to have. Seven, i wanted seven kids. Groomed into thinking this was the best my body could do as a women, it fueled my disordered eating on multiple occasions. I only chuckle looking back because that's not how bodies work. I can't work out or starve myself enough to get a basketball belly. That's genetics.

And I heard what my mother called "turning into a whale. " something she apparently did in all her pregnancies. She chastised us kids frequently enough about how we "contributed to ruining her body" with stretch marks. Pointing to each one, "this one was from you." I have photos in bedded in my mind, that i no longer have access to hard copies of my mother pregnant with me and my brother. Old 4x5 photos of her on the back brick and concrete porch of the Chambersburg house with fluffy perm from the late 80's early 90's hair. And than one of her standing in the living room in a blue zip up house coat in cumberland? We lived in a small 3 bed room 1 bath town house than. Indeed my mother gain roughly 60lbs on her small physique with most of her pregnancies. No doubt, taxing on her body.

But my mom fights her own body dysmorphia and disordered eating, I know this now as an adult, but i didn't as a child. So when my mom would buy me clothing ay 16 meant only for me when i "lost weight"... or encouraged eating less or allowed anyone of her latests husband insults on my body to leave its marks,

I idolized skinny.

But skinny was not my only body I was suppose to have. Through mental illness I gained weight, lost weight, starved myself, and even maintained healthy weights. But almost always, have I struggled with loving my bod;. at least until the last few years.

Me being a fae. (Photography by Kat Bailey Photography)

Indeed weight was always on my mind. And so was children. I had to keep my body healthy for a healthy pregnancy. My fixation was as unhealthy as my many thoughts, actions and diets were towards myself, my body and others.

Building up a picture that would never come to fruition. Hating myself for not being enough. Tall enough. Skinny enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. I was none of those things; or so I thought.

I learned through time and therapy that I did not exist to be a mother through pregnancy or even surrogacy. While I wasn't meant to be a full time mother I have mothered many amazing children through my life, and I hope to continue that. But when I learned to love myself for more than what the tiny cult I was raised in hammered into my soul, as I removed myself from the weekly theological beatings I was giving myself with "church" on Sunday's and all the other systemic beliefs and I actions I worshiped; I found myself not wanting children. Or even marriage. I found small joys in who I am naturally without a partner, and without children tethered to me by DNA. Children are a MASSIVE responsibility I personally believe most (like over 75% of people) don't deserve or are prepared for. Even with all the mental illness still in tack, I realized part of my healing meant saying goodbye to yet another thing I clung to for so long that I thought defined me.

As I sit here typing this blog at the ass-crack-of-dawn (43:0am) I am reminded that inspiration for things comes at all hours of the day at any given chance. And that if I have a thought that is rolling well, to get up and roll with it some more.

So how did I get here? Like, what exactly did I do? Well, it started with a desire to be confident. I was attracted to those people. They were my tribe. People who could walk in a room, knowing everyone was looking at them and it didn't bother them. People who dressed well, spoke loudly, and smiled big! People who were humble.

(Photography by Kat Bailey Photography)

People who knew what they had to offer but didn't boast for sake of fame or riches. Some of these idols where members of my church. The first person I think of that was a great speaker was Steven Grow (formally President Steven Grow) He was pushing 7 feet tall, smiled, gave great hugs and could tell an awesome story. He held high callings within my church until he was caught in protecting Christopher Michael Jensen, a local pedophile I grew up with. So Steven is off my list now of go to people. But that is what I had growing up. Toxic masculinity and patriarchy.

Than there was Barbara Barrington Jones. "A renowned philanthropist, author, motivational speaker, professional classical ballerina and more. [She] has dedicated her entire life to helping women and children throughout the world realize their potential to lead more fulfilling and productive lives" Becky Taylor, my Mary Kay Sales director introduced me to her as a young teen. I'm not sure this woman was Mormon, but she is from Lehi Utah, so it's a safe bet. . . Though I never recalled her using Mormon doctorine in her lectures. I remember Mother-daughter retreats, where I went alone because my mother couldn't be bothered, and other church events that she would speak at, leaving me on a high note. Like I could do anything.

Other people in my life has given me hope and strength in difficult times. Clingy to authors, other speakers, past lovers, friends and my therapists kind words. Words you will find written here in this blog. These were the beginning of me believing in myself. Finding people who wanted to lift me. To their status of belief.

The next thing I did was action. I wrote down these words. Put them all over my house. On mirrors, cabinet doors, the fridge, inside my car viser. I kept these people and their influence in the front of my mind after writing them down. And I made them my daily mantra's.

(Photography by Kat Bailey Photography)

And than I started believing the words, and making the people who didn't believe in me or the things I believed in disappear. I wore clothing that made me feel proud. I spoke words that made me feel smart. I served with my heart on my sleeve and a smile on my face. And I loved like the best people around me knew how. I surrounded myself with goodness and expelled all the bad.

Step by step I tore the need to be pregnant down. I removed the desire to be skinny. Wanting children was suppose to bring me joy. I now believed it was possible to experience joy without them. Being skinny was suppose to be what other people wanted me to look like and be, but it wasn't what I was. At least I was never skinny AND healthy at the same time, at least not yet. There was always something missing, and my skinniness was always a form of self loathing. So I let it go.

I got my tubes tied, aka burned off and removed in November of last year. And there have been ZERO regrets. This decision wasn't made lightly and was apart of my personal healing to prevent all pregancies, because I knew I wanted a different kind of happiness that a life with children could not provide me.

(Photography by Kat Bailey Photography)

I am also sitting at my heaviest at 220lbs right now. This was not because I hate skinny people and had to become fat to love myself. But I do think the wider I've gotten the happier I have become. My weight gain is from not exercising and carelessness with food. I gained 40lbs in the past to years. That is 1.6lbs a month. imagine if I lost 1.6 pounds a month instead for the next few years? Slow and steady decisions to make myself happy in fit?

I use to get lost in the high of stepping on the scale. Sometimes it would feel amazing other times it would defeat me. I no longer own one for my personal healing. And when doctors offices ask for a reading, sometimes I say no when I am having an off day and can't be bothered to see it. I am more, and always have been more, than a number on a scale. That being said I would love to tone up. I have spoken a number into existence but in the fear of further triggering my audience of readers on any of their eating disorders it's not relevant to todays blog.

And with that I leave you positive vibes and loving your body along this journey. Here is to my pant size never being the reason why my mental health journey was a struggle! Here is to knowing that none, of the few, physical health problems I have (asthma/PTSD/etc) are because of my weight either. So fuck anyone who thinks otherwise!