Fucking Molly

Yes my neighbors dog. I've learned her name is molly. Her owner looks to be in his 60's. He blares music generally 24/7. Unless hes watching something on tv, than he is screaming, "fuck him up, mother-fucker!" I can't tell if it was football or WWE? Anyways, he listens to all music, he doesn't discriminate. Polka, Garth Brookes, ACDC, Lady Gaga, you name it he listens to it. It always makes me laugh. Quite a character.

But I can't beat what I pay for rent here. And if I shared how little I pay for rent you would be in shock. So I won't and I will go on being tremendously grateful for being in the situation I am in right now, even if this is the first apartment I've ever been in that has roaches. *cringe face*

The hall ways here smell of whatever is going on in the apartments of those around me. Sometimes it's dinner, sometimes it's cigarette smoke, even though we aren't to be smoking indoors, other times... like an old folks home and things smelling- close- to- death. So when I get hit on in the elevators or sitting in my own car in the parking lot by neighboring tenants and they ask "Do you like living here?" The answer is no. No i don't *like* living here. I am tollerating it for now because its where I am in life.

I've been here since the first week of March. I graciously was saved from what was going to be homelessness very quickly this time as I transitioned from my old apartment into this one. I am fully settled, but not fully decorated. As I am poor and a bit of a minimalist. So just the necessities in this appartment. Trust there are always dirty dishes in my sink though. That's a Kirsten staple. I don't know if I will ever be better at doing those.

My dad came over and helped me take out my air conditioner from my wall and replace it with the insulation. He also helped me properly hang my curtains! There was an issue with the support beams being metal and not being ale to get screws through the wall. lol All fixed now!

I finally hit a new mile stone in my weed smoking journey, that I was able to smoke an entire joint by myself! woooo. I am 8 months into my daily weed smoking and I feel like it took me a long time to get here. I try my best not to over smoke. But with my tolerance being so low it made taking too much, too easy of a task. Just like pyshc meds were it takes several weeks to get to a therapeutic dose. its taken me a long time to navigate medicating myself at different levels and how to be productive while using it. I am grateful to be given this time to explore and medicate myself as needed, however I want. I like that I have this trust in myself. I celebrate this mile stone in knowing that I'm not abusing my weed use and I am still mindful of my actions.

Yes I know I am still not blogging nearly as much as I use to. I don't know if I will ever write weekly again. And I'm okay with that right now. I like being able to write when I feel moved to. And today I realized is a good time for a little updated blog.

I'm still single, my dating life is a bit of a joke. I've had a few dates but nothing special and there has been a lot of communication and duds with dating. Personality strike outs, weird creepy vibes, inexperience. I'm ooooooover it. I feel like I need a break from dating but than my sexual and intimacy needs scream at me from lack of attention being given, And I really miss having someone around. For texing. Or late video chats. For weekend fun. For sex. For laughter. I'm allowed to miss these things and I do. I miss them a lot. Sometimes I cry over it because I just miss being touched by someone who loves me, wants me, enjoys me. Coming home to a warm hug and snuggles are so nice. When you have had those exchanges in the past it makes you miss what's arguably the BEST parts of life. And I just don't have those "best parts" right now.

I am however focusing on a lot of self care. I get my hair done professionally. I do my make up. I take hot exfoliating baths. I am eating good food. I am dating myself and doing the best I can with loving myself when no on else is around to show me and my body love the way I want. And that's the best I can do right now. I am doing my best even though I struggle believing that sometimes. So when my best friend hosted a really cool Fall themed soup and pumpkin carving adventure I was totally on board and had a great time! Thanks girlie. it really lifted my spirits.

I am learning about myself that I no longer love large crowds and live music like my younger self did. I've had now three examples go sour in the past two months and it is teaching me I need to focus more on things that bring me peace. Not on things that feed the chaos. So even though I went to a very loud Mother Mother concert, which was awesome they are really great performers, with an old friend Ray, I am using it as a learning experience as it's not what I fully need right now in my life.

At least I looked hot

Maybe you came here because you like the hella juicey drama that often comes of my blogs. (of my life LOL) But this is a simple journal entry of sorts catching you up in most of the aspects of my life. So now lets talk mental health. I'm currently taking prozac 20 mg and Latuda 60mg. Apparently Latuda is supose to really help my bipolar 2 disorder. Yes the bipolar diagnosis is back on o the table because apparently if antidepressants stimulate your mania, even if its the only time you get mania... thats still bipolar 2. weeeee. Basically I'm chronically depressed and often down if not on an antidepressant. But I can't get out of depression without..... an antidepressants. I'm frustrated. rightfully so. I even decided to go through the motions and try ECT. Electric convulsion therapy. I ended up hating Dr.Gonzalez and am not returning to brooke lane. with questions like "Why do you have ptsd, tell me what happen to you?" and things like "So you only get therapy from a social worker?" and "The person prescribing your meds are only psychiatric nurse practitioners, not psychiatrist?" Judging the best mental health team I have ever had on their education credentials as if could do any better for me. BLA.

I do not recommend this man or this practice. And I didn't realize how much I wasn't being listened to until I got to the car and broke down into tears after his emotionless berating of rude questioning. He's so clinical and cold.

Anyways my med management and I have discussed staying on Latuda for another 2 weeks before upping the dose. Apparently most people don't see any better results with dosages above 60mg anyways. and I'm still waiting for it to fucking work. Just trying to stay stress free, simple modest living. No major life decisions or big things going while we figure out my meds again. I don't know man. Our mental health field is failing me. Big time. But I'm tying not to think of that. not to today anyways.

While writing this I scheduled a date with a potential cool person. Go me. I'm not sure what will come of it. but coffee tomorrow is going down!

Tomorrow I have a Halloween party with my good friend Genna and her family. Her husband Alex and her for kids. I love them dearly and will be dressing up as Luigi! Until next time guys this is all I have for you as a life update.

XOXO,

me