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For my loyal readers it's no surprise that my family is a sore topic with the many traumatic experiences and memories I carry around. Nearly half of my blogs reference my life growing up, or some traumatic event. It's kind of what I write about. Emotional things. To put it frank, my biological family is broken and I have no desire to fix any of those relationships. Not anymore that is.

During teenage life as an active momorn I was taught that I would/could be the person that brought my family together because I was the last remaining active member. I was instructed to remain faithful and that it would bring them to the gospel. What burden and manipulation that began my hate towards my family at twelves years old. When in reality, I was in church to get to the Celestial Kingdom AWAY from them. Not exactly the best reason to want to go to "mormon heaven", but that was only the start of my self righteousness. . My intentions weren't to "bring them back", even if having a loving family was a fairy tale I knew that wasn't ever going to happen. If it happend, it wasn't going to be through church. I now treat most family members like a broken plate. Just sweep it up and throw it the trash. Honestly. Note though, the sweeping method left some shards behind though that I'm still picking splinter out over the these years through therapy.

My life has had ups and downs, but honestly my clinical mental illnesses has kept me in almost a permanent state of darkness. Even my best year to date I ever had, employed, productive, and went a few months in a row without feeling suicidal during 2016-2017 was pretty close to utopia for my almost 27 years of life. I was what I recall genuinely happy. I was single but dating, working with children, trying to exercise regularly, on an anti depressant, nothing really out of the ordinary, just apparently found my groove. This was just months before my last suicide attempt, in what I realize now was the longest period of mania I had ever had documented. And my family still tried to bring me down. I'll be showing those screen shots through out this blog. *The ones you have been reading thus far was the first ever text conversation between my brothers wife and I. Where I let her know that no one in my family was/is on speaking terms with anyone else between use three siblings. She was surprised to hear it. I wasn't surprised she didn't know. Her assumptions of what little my brother ever mentioned about his life before he left for the army was all she had.

I understand being related to someone who is mentally ill is draining, and constantly being their support system can be a burden. I am totally that burden. Especially if the other mentally ill family members I had, refused to get help or even believe they had a problem. It's one of the main conversations I have to being pro suicide and even encouraging it. It may seem like a drastic jump, but we don't have a world that always loves people like me. Especially during the hard times. Perhaps not ever. There is no such thing as unconditional love. All love has conditions. (read my blog Baby Don't Hurt Me, about love.) Not everyone can tolerate and wants people like me around. I get this because I wouldn't be my fucking friend either. Trust me, I get it. Some people like me never get better.

Growing up they always said "you can't pick your family." And this is precisely why I wanted to write this blog today. Because I get to choose who I get to do life with. But in order to realize why I have chosen this path, you have to know where I have come. What has happen. I get to choose who to love and hope they love me back. And I since have found some fucking amazing people in my life that have become MY FAMILY. So when my sister questioned (6 photos down) "what family still believed in me and who was cheering me on?" along with several other demeaning things, she not only was having a rough night and tried her best to tear me down, but she reinforced what I knew about myself, where I came from, and where I want to go. And it's no where near them.

But Kirsten, don't you still live with your dad you haven't gotten away from all family yet? Yes, due to fiances and many other trials in my life, I still currently live with my biological father.

So you're just going to use people until you are done with them? People who ask this question need to be in therapy. People who think these things are often abusers themselves. They need help that I can't offer. There is certainly merit that abuse can happen, but abuse is most commonly found by someone who is offering help, or has some kind of upper hand in a co dependent relationship. When I leave, the people closest to me will be praising me for finally being able to escape the abuse from my family. Cutting the last tie. Read my blog about my Mom. My entire adult life has been a battle on where to go and what to do. And most times, I've come to the conclusion being dead is better than going on any longer. We all do what we can to survive, yeah? I'm doing what I can. Even if through someone else's eyes, my efforts seem futile. That is all I have to say about that.

But doesn't you sister read/edit your blogs? What is she going to say about this one? I don't know, ask her. She knew the types of topics my blogs focus on before (volunteering to practice editing because she enjoys it.) These screen shots happend in the past. And while these screen shots document one moment in time, this was not one isolated heated conversation. They happend frequently over our entire lives. I rarely forget things, and I'm hardly easy to forgive; she knows we don't have a great nor flourishing relationship, and likely never will. We try and stay cordial for the most part and communicate minimally. Until she

Anger and violence runs in the family. Thanks dad!

decides otherwise, at the moment, we have a mutual beneficial acquaintance relationship with a shared past. I also get to see my nieces and nephew, whom bug the shit out of me sometimes, but I love them. She serves as one of many examples today why it is okay to walk away from family. She has is one of the toxic abusers in my life. But perhaps she too can see how far she has come since addressing her own mental health concerns through her will to be in therapy and receive medical help, and keep moving forward.

I wish I had proof of her attacking me in the myrtle beach condo in 2015, trying to break down locked doors to hurt me. Her anger knew few boundaries. She was out of control.

But I want to share with you, that you have the power to walk away from people like this. Mute them, block them. Cut them off and move away. Set boundaries. (All things multiple therapists and doctors have advised me to do) There are people that exist right now who will accept and love you for who you are. Obviously moving away and cutting people off isn't always a viable option for everyone, all the time. It is also evident to me that finding people to care and love you comes with time that not everyone has to wait around for. Sometimes you need help and love right in this moment and you take what you can get. This is surviving, not thriving. Do what you need to get by, and work to getting away. It's a journey.

We seriously have like no photos of each other. (i'm the bald one)

A few years ago (five maybe?) I met a woman named Aurora during my Mary Kay meetings with my new sales directer in Hagerstown. We since have gotten close. I have cried to her, I have told her my darkest thoughts. Accidentally sent her nudes and chatted all night about new men in my life. She cried with me when I told her about my suicide plans, on multiple occasions and she told me every time "I love you now matter what you choose." She packed up my few personal belongings with my dad, while I was in the hospital again for 20 days. He wanted me out of the house and that I needed to find a place to go when he was fed up with my suicidal nature. I just told Aurora that I'm a burden to everyone, just help my dad get my stuff out,

and I'll kill myself when I got back out of the hospital. She has lost sleep over me, poured her heart into me. That woman is a solid chica. She's my bitch. THANK YOU FOR EXISTING in my life. Aurora is family.

My friendship with Petra started last year in April, 2019. Technically I went to school with them, but I don't even remember them then. They were two or three grades behind me and where on the art floor. Visual art students were a breed of their own on the 4th floor art studio of my performing arts High school. I didn't even have academics classes with them. But they reached out after seeing many of my very difficult Facebook posts and we talked for hours about my mental health. On one particularly difficult day for me they invited me to come to their home for a get away, meet their wife and spend a few days at their home until I felt better. I oddly don't have any photos of Petra and I, but this is a lovely photo they took of me with their cat django.

I had just self harmed earlier than day, and the welts and scabs were still very visible on my arms. ( I still have the scars) They took me in and loved me. Fed me, showed me around town, how to use the metro. Their sofa is hella comfy even though it looks about a century old.. We have similar styles of music, We both love people and had (for me past tense) high sex drives. We share about our ethical non monogamy. I remember a conversation with them when I told them "I think this makes me a bad person because I wouldn't/couldn't do it for someone else." I don't remember the context of the conversation but they replied and told me "I'd do it for you, and that's all that matters, I don't care if you wouldn't do it for me. I'd do it for you." And I sobbed with heavy ugly tears. Another BEAUTIFUL friend. Thank you, for being in my life. I consider you my sister.

Their wife Dani deserves a shout out too. After all I usually tell Sean "I'm off to see Dani and Pet". I'm not as close to her as I am Petra, but we have had religious conversations about our upbringings and they have taken me to their Quaker meetings. I love her humor and her laugh makes me smile! She is great with fixing cars, do it yourself projects including appliances, decorating, bathrooms, baking etc. (I can't bake) She owns her own house and is great with finances. She rides her bike everywhere. Granted they live in DC and most do, but man, I'm so out of shape. Much respect to you and your life style!

Next is Sean, perhaps one of my biggest current supporters. We dated for 10 months. We are currently on a break. I foresee returning to this relationship in the future, but I have much to work on. So for now, we are still broken up. See blog, The End. Even though we had a break up, he is still there for me. He lets me stay over when my family is in town in the small upper part of the house, just so I can have some quietness and privacy. He tells me I'm beautiful everyday. He still wants to be there for me during my difficult times. He loves deeply and fully. His heart is kind. He has been there for all of my mental health struggles the past year and he is here to encourage and motivate me for better. I am happy to have him in my life. You can read more about our relationship in my Poly Dating section on this blog. You can click here for viewing.

And those are the four main important people in my life right now. They are my family. While I do have a few dozen people I call "comets" who come and go from my life from time to time, as well as social media friends, these are my intimidate important family members. They are listed as my Emergency contact and both Sean and Aurora have agreed to be my power of attorney/living will advocate when I inevitably kill myself. (I've been setting up after death plans with a lawyer to ensure my blood relatives do not have legal rights to my body. Cheap as possible, burn me in a box, throw me in the trash, just don't let my family touch me. K, thx!)

The over all vibe for me is that when my mother told me "you will never find someone who loves you more than me" it's still one of the biggest lies I believed. Next to believing in god. LOL I found love and deep friendships with my open door policy and transparency into my life. My honesty repels many but attracts some of the coolest people I now proudly call my friends!

Blood isn't everything, as clearly shown in photos above. Especially if you had toxic, physically abusive family members. But there are ways to heal and move forward. It's your choice.