A Letter to an Ex- Best Friend-Moving On

The end of you was the beginning of me.

I don't cry when I think about you anymore. When I realized you were far more important to me than I ever was to you, I was able to heal and move on.

I didn't want to move on. I loved you and your family so much.

We sang songs in the car. You introduced All Time Low to me. Weightless was our theme song. We harmonized. Physics class was hilarious when we were partners working on a project. I kind of felt like Bill Nye with that video we had to make with Diosi in that tornado thing in the mall talking about Newtons laws. We got them out of order. Countless sleep overs, I even lived with you when I was homeless for a few weeks. I remember you letting me borrow your giant bikini top, you were well endowed. It looked silly on my "just nipples" flat chest. We were at Brent's house when we were suppose to be working on an AP Lit project, instead we all hung out in the hot tub together.

When I went to school in Idaho we didn't keep in touch often. But I called you once when I had a pregnancy scare with my first love. I was scared and crying, I was homeless, you told me I'd be an amazing mom. I told you the baby was going to be born living in a box. We laughed. You believed in me. But I wasn't pregnant.

I visited you when you went to college. And you visited me at my aunts house for a sleep over.

More homelessness for me. But you came to visit me before your next semester at Liberty. I was in Hancock, you told me how you knew this town well, grew up here. You bought me lunch in the little bakery right down town. It was too short, but it meant so much to me that you visited.

You fell in love. I was so excited for you. You hadn't been dating since you ended your last High School relationship all through your first year of college. Focusing on school and god. We had our first phone call since you left back for another semester 2 months ago, and you told me over the phone you were getting married, my mind was blown!

A few months later in the summer, you and him came to visit me, we met at the City park. It was the first time I met him. He was bare foot in one of those stoner stripped hippie sweaters. He also brought his friend. (Ed was it?) You and I went for a walk and caught up on life. You told me all about him and your plans for a simple non flashy wedding! But you never had a wedding. I wanted to love him too. We met back up with him in the park and we planned to go back to my home for dinner. I offered to drive you to have more alone time with you of course. He was hesitant to let me drive you. I looked at him funny and asked why. He replied "You didn't tell her?" That was the first time I noticed you recluse. You didn't say anything, your face was blank, he got a big toothy smile and said "We're pregnant!" My jaw dropped. I know I'm a talker and probably didn't give you much time to tell me, you knew that I probably wouldn't take this news well. We were christian, children out of wed lock was, a hard topic. This is where I was suppose to be excited for you. I wasn't. The engagement made sense now. He wasn't happy to let someone (me) he didn't know drive you around?

I wasn't happy someone I didn't know got you pregnant. And you were embarrassed/scared. </3

During your pregnancy, you two visited me a few times. One time, days before your due date around new years eve, you visited late at night. You were driving me in the passenger seat, and he was in the back, an arm on each of our seats. He said proudly. "So Merrick says you don't like me..." Instant Red Flag! Manipulation, but yet my first ping of guilt. I didn't like him. I never told you that, but he knew he wasn't liked. I honestly didn't want to deny it, because you were sitting there, pregnant with his child, loving him. If I was alone with him, I'd have no problem saying it to his face. I just wanted you to be happy. I was looking for reasons to like him. There wasn't much, girl. Oye! So I told him there are things that we don't see eye to eye on... and probably something else to stroke the ego he was trying to grow.

When we got home, you sat in the big red lazy boy chair in my house. He sat on the floor at your feet, I joined him. He took off his one of his gloves to brag about how he got his new, very large and infected looking wound on his hand. You look mortified. He continued and said he "fought off bad people in an ally" and "disarmed him from his knife." The tension in the room made my face burn and you looked like you might be sick. I was asking you questions, about your safety. What did the guy want? Was there more than one guy? Were you there? He answered for you, as he made up lies. The wound was fresh, not even scabbed, and you were about to give birth to you 1st baby girl this month! Did you report this? What happened next? But I stopped when answers didn't come and... you went blank again. You said you were tired. Things weren't adding up.

Back to Virginia.

You had Charter. She was beautiful.

You called me one night. Scared, telling me you were leaving him. Getting on a bus. Getting out. I was beside myself with happiness, but you needed more comfort. I didn't know how to support you, I was just excited to see you and meet your daughter. We didn't see each other though, you went to your grandmothers in Pennsylvania.

He found out where you were. Rather, you told him, by answering his crazy calls. He came and got you. And decided to move you to Florida again, where his mom lives. You tried to salvage that relationship again.

About 6 months later, you came to town to see your brothers' graduation and I finally got to meet her. Oh my gawsh she was precious. I picked you up from the air port and we spent the day together. Went to Kmart looked at baby clothing, Ollie's, pretty sure we went to Olive Garden too! My dad got to hold her, he loves babies. Then I dropped you at your moms. You were only staying a few days but also needed a ride back to the air port. While driving we got stuck in traffic. And even though I already knew the answer, I finally undid the knot in my stomach and asked you if he had ever hit you. I struggled making eye contact while you took a moment to answer, and confided to me that he had. That hug at the airport filled me with tears as you got onto a plane back to that ass hole.

Fuck him with a rusty spoon.

You visited briefly in September again for a day. He played his guitar in my living room, I played with baby toes! You were homeless, so you could really go and do whatever you liked. And you choose to visit me.

In our next (and last) visit at the end of October, you were back in Lynchburg. You had a beautiful home you were renting, going back to school, mostly online. You spent hours prepping for my visit. I actually thought things were getting better. I got there and he wasn't home yet. we hugged, talked, but things felt off to me. Things had changed. You were tending to Charter going to bed in another room when he walked in the door. High and drunk. He didn't even see me sitting on the sofa or hear me say hello. You heard the door and came out to greet him, and found us awkwardly chatting. I gave you a look, tried to pass it off as a joke that he was a little out of it; but you knew. He said he got money today from working today. Lie. You asked him how long he worked,because he was home late again. He said 10 hours. Lie. You asked how much he made per hour. He said $10/hr. Lie. He handed you $100 of the $400 and said "have fun." You put it in your wallet, confused.

It took over 2 hours but you finally pried where the money came from. He took the title of your car to a title loan place and got cash. I was in shock. Where was he all day then? Well, drugs... obviously.

I suggested we get out of the house and go shopping at Walmart together. He passed out on the sofa, we'd only be 30 mins. Walmart was one block and walking distance away. Lets go! You said we can't leave Charter with him. I knew the answer, but I asked why because I wanted to hear you say it. You can't leave him alone with Charter, right? But instead you said. "I've never left him alone with her." She was 10 months old. And you never left him alone with her before.

We went to Walmart I don't think we had Charter with us. We were quick. We got butternut squash, peanut butter, bread, a few odds and ends, and... two pregnancy tests.

We came home, you took the test as I went to bed. You came in to say goodnight. I asked you how the test went. You said ".. um, it was negative." I didn't believe you. In the morning I raided the trash, but it did say negative, the other one hadn't been opened so I shook it off. We only briefly talked about birth control and you told me he didn't like condoms, and you left birth control to god.

He wasn't anywhere to be found most of the 5 days I was there. He tried to steal his car that was impounded from a tow yard from parking it on private property, and then went hiding from the police. We went looking for him all through town one day in my car. I'm glad he left the car seat behind for Charter. You confessed you drew a knife on him once and blamed it on pregnancy hormones. I already knew about that. He was a bad liar sitting on my floor 10 months ago while you were pregnant talking about "disarming the bad person." I knew you were fighting for your life. Which is why I talked to my dad before I left to visit you and asked if I could offer to bring you back, if you allowed, and to live with us. You told me that he said "if you left again, he'd never take you back."

Well, that was the point, actually.

We tried to distract ourselves but all you did was worry. I remember you taking me to a bible study. It was such an amazing experiencing in a loving warm home with really nice people. You were struggling. I thought he might have called you, but you left your phone behind to tend to Charter outside so her crying wouldn't disturb everyone. I didn't know how to help, you were so distant. So stressed. I doubt you had nearly as an amazing experience as I did. Seth and Jamie Hicks are beyond beautiful people, thanks for introducing me to them!

And then shit blew up.

We went home and... he was there. Waiting. High and drunk. He vomited everywhere all over the bathroom. I wanted to help you. You went busy to work. loving him through service. You asked to use the paper towels I had, I said no because they were for my Mary Kay business- I still feel bad about that. You found rags. I was angry he was doing this to you. I wanted to grab you and the baby. leave him and his mess behind.

He sobered up a little as the evening got late and had a bible study of our own. He asked to use my phone to use my bible app. I found it odd, but he wanted to read while he went for a smoke. You were using your phone for wifi for your lap top on homework. It was super late and dark, so I was like "ahh, okay I guess?"

He disappeared outside again. but with my phone this time. I freaked out. You reassured me that he sometimes goes for a walk when he smokes. After all he would take your phone and leave you without it or the vehicle for days. I didn't want that criminal stealing my property. He came back in a few minutes, gave me my phone, you did some homework, and I went to bed.

I left that trip a day earlier than planned, in tears, with anger in my heart. it hurt to watch you crumble. I literally couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to be there. Where did my best friend go? Two months later in Jan 2016 you announced your pregnancy with your 2nd daughter and that you two decided to go on a missions trip to Idaho together. Homeless and pregnant again, him taking you away from everyone who can help you. Again. We had a heated conversation about how concerned I was that he was using scripture to rationalize that your accumulated debt as a couple was forgiven.

And on Jan 15th 2016, He messaged me on Facebook saying that you guys are working on your relationship, starting over, a new, he said not to worry. That even though he went through my phone and found inappropriate photos of me that he tried to email to himself but failed, you were working on your relationship together and that "I was holy".

I wish I knew what he told you. Your thoughts. I worried myself for years wondering what lies he told you. What lies he told me. Who I was even talking to because he had your phone and log in information. Even after I sent you the screen shot and said "His apology doesn't make him any less disgusting." You never spoke to me again. Did he threaten you? Did you hate me? Did you even see my messages? What did he tell you? I don't know, we never talked about it. But you bet I replayed everything in my head thousands of times, so confused, as you gave me the silent treatment, for years.

I know about some other things; that you had court mandated couples therapy. That he wasn't to leave the state from domestic violence that the neighbors in the apartment below you called the police on you two. I looked up the public record. I never met Arbor, your 2nd daughter. I haven't seen you in 4 years. Facebook memories reminded me of that today, actually.

I also know that you did finally make it out alive from that fucking weirdo.

I had a dream in 2017 that you came to me and said you were leaving and getting away. That you were looking for a safe place. In my dream Charter was bundled up in your arms, you were huddled on the floor, and you told me you couldn't stay, but that you were safe now. I remember your long blonde curly hair, and teary eyes. I met your mother for a Mary Kay order days later and she told me you had moved in safely with your grandmother back to PA. I was relieved, I hadn't known. You had stopped talking to me and unfriended me on Facebook. But you were in safety and that is all that mattered. From there I don't know much.

I started communicating and seeing you mother more regularly that year. She told me you two started working on your relationship again. I remember you refused to communicate with her at one point and shut her completely out. You'd get upset if I had reported even good news to her. I always envied your mother daughter closeness. And while it hurt for you mother to stay in the dark, you stayed friends with me. Until that one day you didn't. And when I heard you rekindling your friendship with your mom once you left him. I was sadden and a bit jealous. I was also happy you two were talking again because I knew how painful it was to see your mom not know how you were, and I thought maybe it meant you were closer to wanting me back too.

But one time you did reply to a text of mine, I sent a text letting you know I was open to restarting a friendship and meeting your beautiful girls. This was in the summer of 2017. I didn't expect you to reply, but when you did my heart jumped. My first notification from my best friend in what seemed like forever. I hadn't heard from you in over a year, and I cried as I read what you wrote. That you hoped I was doing well, but that we were never good friends anyways and good luck in life. You didn't wish to speak to me again, and wanted me to stop contacting you.

I have journal entries, Facebook posts, and countless memories that said otherwise. My brain went on auto pilot to try and prove you wrong. We were friends. The best of friends. You didn't say anything else though.

I brought your birthday and Christmas gifts to your mother, but she refused to give them to you and told me she can't accept them or keep them in the house. I was hurt, but she told me that you were done with me. I got you a custom invader Zim T-shirt. It said "I'm with Gir"

I asked your brother for your mailing address I wanted to send them to you. He gave it to me. I typed it into google maps, your were only 3 hours away. That's a day trip. I played out how I thought it would go, if you saw me when you got home from work. And I remembered your last text, and I put your gifts in my closet and went about my normal day. I donated it years later when I didn't know what to do with it anymore and gave up waiting for you reach out.

Girl, I hope you got the therapy you need from that shit show of a man who wrecked you. Domestic violence is frightful. I know some my actions and thoughts may be intense, but you were more to me than I was to you. You were my best friend. I thought maybe once life got better for you and you got away that you would reach back out. I kept hope in my heart that you'd want to come back. I'm at the stage that if you hadn't done that already, that you never will, and you're too far gone for me to ever want you back. I got my closure.

Best friends move on. You've always been amazing at making friends. You're talented, loving, outgoing and silly. You're god fearing, you love bright orange, good music and dancing. I assure you I have had some major growth, And if you ever come across this, trust me I know you must have too. You just don't want me in your life. Maybe I know too much. Maybe you are scared. I know you were very embarrassed. I've thought about all the possibilities over these 4 years. This is how I remember you. You've moved on, and so must I.

I know you have a new best friend. I'm pretty sure you have fallen in love again. You unfriended me, but we still have mutual friends and some have told me about your new beau. I hope that love has helped heal your trauma. You deserve good love. Love that doesn't hurt, love that heals and brings joy. Your girls deserve that. I've made new best friends too but no one can replace you and who you were to me. Now I can honesty say, I wish you the best too. I don't wait for you to reach out to me anymore. The end of you was the beginning of me.

Cheers!