Attention Whore

I tend to relay messages in two ways- Exactly how things were said aaaaand how I perceived they were talking to me by what tone they use and purpose they serve in my life. And sometimes a mix of the two. This is because I am intuitive and hyper aware, I read people, energies and situations well. And while I am not perfect, I do consider it a skill when not in crisis. And that is how I got the name of this blog post.

My last therapy session I discussed burn out, fatigue, irritability, my fear of judging others too harshly and feeling drained emotionally with my current social circle. I expressed I felt I was spending time with people who were not giving me light, inspiration or uplifting me. People I usually wouldn't spend so much time with; but because everyone else I rather spend time with has been busy, or taking social distancing VERY seriously I haven't been able to see my usual social group. Essentially, I was settling. I expressed feeling like I was taking on things and people like "charity work" instead of actually enjoying people, places and things. That is when he told me, "You know what you are explaining right now is your need for attention and you are settling for anything right now? That is something you have to accept you are doing to yourself."

He said in a matter-of-fact, serious but cautionary-testing way, unsure of how I would take his bluntness. Almost in a question... "You know that is just you seeking attention." I reaffirmed that I knew that it was because I had been setting poor boundaries for myself and the people around me. I made myself easily assessable.

And I felt like he was calling me an "Attention Whore". And he isn't wrong. He followed this up with an almost covering-his-ass comment and said "It's not always a bad thing, we all NEED attention and social acceptance and love; it's apart of Mavlov's needs. " But said something about getting it from the right places and people. I'm not sure what he was really trying to relay at that point, most of therapy for me seems like someone reiterating what I said, in a loving way, so instead I thought about who I was some more. I know I am an extrovert at my purest nature. People, crowds,and live music brings me the zest of life most of my friends get from staying at home in their own little circle. In fact most of the people in my life are introverts.... And it really doesn't serve me to the fullest, as I always feel bad that I drain their energy way too soon, and the fear that I am being rejected when they tap out of their "Kirsten energy" limit for their day/week/month.

Mavlov's Hierarchy of Needs- Theory on what humans need to be happy and healthy

I need more extroverted people in my life that are good and supportive people. People who can appreciate and feed off my energy instead of becoming dependent or treating me like I'm their energy source. I want balance. Prior to covid, I felt that my friend circle was pretty decent. I had 3-5 people in that circle regularly. And as time has lapsed and I lost two of those friends during covid, I found myself missing the balance my life once had and my need to replace it.

I'm a sensitive person. I always have been I likely always will be and that can be off putting to others, I'm very well aware. Indeed many people focus on the negative, including myself, when looking at their lives in details. It's easy to get caught up, nag, bitch, and vent. Especially when collectively the world hasn't been doing too hot. People forget about those who have been struggling before all of this pandemic set in. And how much more difficult life is for those who were already in compromised positions.

To be quite frank this year isn't even one of the worst years of my life, but it has been hard in many ways. I don't think I am simply "seeing a silver lining" or being "positive" either. Those two things aren't really in my character these days. I am actually trying to be the least bias on this analysis and just being logical.

I'm living on my own with my boyfriend has brought me the most freedom I have really ever had. And it deserves more than a one sentence check-off in my life. Living on my own brings new challenges but mostly freedom I've been searching for but haven't had the right dynamic until now. Freedom to allow whoever, whenever to come visit. Freedom to limit or not be around family any longer. Freedom to never see or talk to them again if I please. Freedom = CHOICES! Also I'm practically a nudest. I hate clothing. I literally am naked 9/10 times when I am home. I prefer it this way. Living on my own makes this easy and comfortable.

It also means money is in short supply right now. With me working very part time, Sean paying double rent for the next two months, as we didn't finish the last lease he was on- it runs out in November, I'm almost like a stay-at-home-girl friend right now. This new life will allow me to focus more on my shitty mental health and self care. Caring for the home, doing laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. Things that are hard for Sean to do now going to school and working more than full time hours. Hopefully through this I can turn my mental health around for the better and only focus on the minimal things in our life. Simplicity!

Another noteworthy fact is that I haven't had a suicide attempt or mental health hospitalization in over a year, to which I am grateful. They are stressful and difficult. As much as I know being dead is what I wish for, and have peace for it to come sooner than later. Planning for ones death and circling your life around it is exhausting. I also have a working vehicle and predictable flow of income. These are thing I haven't always had. Especially after my last suicide attempt in Jan 2018, where I tried killing myself totaling my car into a tree driving 75mph. 2020 isn't great, but it isn't my worst year I've lived. Even with a therapist dying back in July, not being able to get in to see a shrink, and all the new mental health symptoms of my PTSD, it's not the worst year I have lived.

Progress looks different on everyone. It's really rather bitter sweet to realize how far I have come, and equally be disappointed I'm not farther in life. Comparing myself to my parents financial success when they were my age, has proven very daunting. The economy was completely different; even if their words leave scares in my brain of blaming their children's lack of financial stability on their ability not to "try harder" or "laziness".

But back to the attention whore thing. That phrase has been thrown around countless times in my life, including recently!

Now who is being the attention whore? lol

During a Facebook discussion about Kyle Rittenhouse (murderer at a protest) on my post a person who I didn't even know I was friends with and haven't talked to since literally middle/high school popped up! Home grown bigots from my own town! Sadly, this dude was never too bright, and I did drag him for copying my tests/school work way back when. His words as blocked outlined in BLUE, called me out for seeking attention due to my symptoms of my mental illness. My suicidalily.

I have made countless posts about my mental health on Facebook. Shared fundraisers for the Out Of The Darkness Walk to Prevent suicide. I just hung signs all over Hagerstown last week for this years fundraiser. But I have never heard anything from Ron at all, until a week ago on a controversy post about a 17-year old murderer.

I used this time to let him know that this post wasn't about my mental illness, but provided him links to education himself on the effects mental illness and suicide has on our military men he was trying to defend. His words when provided helpful links were "No thanks I don't struggle with this..."

That's the point though, it shouldn't only be the people getting shot and murdered who should have to speak up about it being wrong. It shouldn't only have to be the people who have mental diseases that raise awareness for those diseases. But often times it is. People don't care about good causes until it affects them. People are wrapped up in their self-projected perfect lives because "I don't struggle with this so I don't need to be educated on it." Even if it directly correlates to the conversation.

It's really quite sad honestly. Rightly or wrongly accusing someone of being an attention whore isn't usually the core concern when throwing hateful words around. So unlike the latter example of it, my therapist at least gave explanation to understanding how our psyche works in order to fulfill our need to feel love and belong! And I guess that is the difference between Facebook debates and a college educated therapist..... Education! And that's another reason I go to therapy. To learn. To do better. And to feel better.