Back in MY day...

"Children are to be seen and not heard."

"Children are to sit on the floor."

"Back in my day I picked my own switch off the tree to be punished."

"Man I got the ever loving hell beat out of me."

"Now a days the government would say what I did to my kids is child abuse." (ahhh... it was.)

Everyone of those phrases above I heard my aunts, uncles, parents and grandparents say. So why is it that my generation doesn't accept these things anymore?

I am told by people of "religion" that one must suffer to learn. One must be "disciplined" and "learn respect" even if that that discipline looks a lot like abuse, in order to be obedient and a good productive tax paying citizen.

When I vented about struggling as a homeless 18 year old, I had several people tell me that college years and first moving out, was all about being poor, eating Ramen and peanut butter sandwiches. That they went through that phase too, and so must I. I now have so many questions for you. Were you homeless going through college? How is homelessness the same as having accesses to a microwave for your Ramen and peanut butter sandwiches? How is sleeping on a twin bed in a tiny dorm like sleeping in the back of my 1993 Ford Taurus in the winter of eastern Idaho? Why is comparing difficult times about acceptance and "who had it worse" to establish superiority? I realize that that their behavior is learned. And that it is the only way they know how to communicate, even if it is poor. To normalize their trauma. But this isn't okay.

I am not excusing learning to be humble, living within your means, and understanding that times of luxury and ease will not always exist in your life. This is not what this blog or this conversation is about. This is about those who WANT everyone to have the same trauma filled lives as them because they believe it is imperative for growth. That if they struggled, it's only fair that you struggle too, even if someone could help you. They chose not to, so you too struggle as they did. Circle of life, right?

This is about people perpetually passing on the ideas to their off spring that, while struggling is apart of life, I'm going to put you through the same thing, even though you don't need to. Or at least belittling you if they don't. There is enough struggle in the world without parents/ traditions intentionally adding more. I'm not sure if you know this..... but...... your children can have disabilities, mental illnesses, be bullied at school, be raped, murdered, and all sorts of terrible things in their lives without making them pick a healthy new growing branch off a tree for you to beat them with because of fighting with their siblings, forgetting to thaw the frozen meat for dinner, not doing their chores right, or any one of the other reasons that I heard my mother tell me she was beat for.

But, "I had it good growing up"? What?

I had it good because my parents whipped me with a belt instead of a tree branch?

I had it better growing up because my parents didn't starve me? (I remember my mother talking about hunger pains from being denied food. And how my "fat ass" would never know that pain.)

I had it better because I had google for my research papers in high school while you were stuck with the card catalog? And that some how makes me inferior? To have access to knowledge so easily?

"I wish we could go back to the good ole' days, where people didn't tell us how to parent our children. It's why we have so many self entitled reckless children." What good ole' days? The time without indoor plumbing, segregation and when women couldn't vote? What?

WHAT is going on? I'll tell you. Perpetuated abuse. If any or all of this resignations with you, you and your family are products of abuse. Abusive people almost always were abused when they were younger. Do you know what can break the cycle? A few things....

1. Compassion.

2. Therapy.

3. And choosing to not have children if you don't do the first two things.

But this takes immense amount of awareness. Most people simply do not have that cognitive awareness to want to be better. To ask questions in order to leave tradition behind, especially if it is toxic. Choosing to heal is hard and it hurts. Depending on the person, it can take many years, even decades. Confronting the people who raised you, who you love and trusted and telling them you want something different and will not be living you life the same, is hard. And this generation is finally asking questions. Isn't accepting the past as a standard for their future. Wants better.

But Kirsten you don't have kids, what do you know about this topic? How could you possibly weigh in or give advise? Well, I'm 27 and learning compassion through over fifteen years of therapy. I am more than aware that I should not have children. I know that who I am would harm the future generation(s) if I was responsible for being a full time mother. If I had found a good man who wanted children in my early 20's I probably would have a few. I'm so grateful I didn't. I saved myself and those potential humans so much suffering. I'm so grateful that having a family now looks very different then what my traditional cult programming told me a woman's sole purpose was.

I have spent most of my adult life as a private nanny. In the homes of families as a mothers helper, constantly around children. They make me happy, I thought I always wanted them. I thought I wanted seven actually. (ooof!)

When my friend and her first born came to visit for a weekend I had an awakening of just how much progress I had made. She breast fed her children and I recall her leaving to the back bedroom to have privacy, though I reassured her that I totally didn't mind and she could breast feed whenever, where ever she wanted. She worried about my dad. She said she did it out of respect. And while I'm not happy that my friend was struggling with breast feeding her first born because she often bit her, leaving her nipples raw/scabbed/scaring, I was grateful for the conversation I had with my dad about it. Because this moment let me know, if I ever had children, he would never be allowed around them alone. Ever.

I told him that her baby was biting her, and even though she was four months, she had like 6 teeth! (which is pretty insane for a child that young) My dad told her "well, all she has to do it smack her up' side' the head when she does bite. She will learn not to bite her!" I have no idea what my facial expression looked like but I guarantee it wasn't pleasant .when I told him something like, "that is completely untrue, a child that young will not learn from you hitting them while they are eating." That is when he replied "Then you aren't hitting them hard enough."

I was flabbergasted. I understand he abused me, my siblings and my mother growing up. I remember a lot of it. I had no idea he advocated for others to do it and judged others for being bad parents because they didn't "hit them hard enough" to correct behavior. It was eerily disgusting how calm and matter-of-fact he delivered his idea, talking with his hands, sitting in his red lazy boy chair. He had zero shame. In that moment, I instantly understood who he was. That to so easily hurt someone so small and little.... what that makes him. And abuser. Now I know. I don't think I ever told my friend what happen and I truly hope she was out of ear shot of it. *sighs* I sucks being directly related to and being raise by that.

This isn't an attack on current families who now understand they come from abuse and are abusive. This isn't a childless women telling you how to raise your kids. This is an equally abused human being searching for healing, sharing her experiences. Reaching out and wanting others who are struggling, even unconsciously, to know that you deserve better. You can do better. You can be better. Heal yourself so you can be a better person, regardless of if you have children. But if you do, especially because of them.

I mean, according to my religious abusive family, everything could be healed if you just count your blessings. You were beat as a child? Did you forget all the times you weren't? Count those blessings. Meanwhile I'm counting the years it is taking to heal from all these broken hillbillies.

Everyone lives a different life. And while I sincerely wish more people chose not to have children until healing themselves, we can't change the past. Toxic people wish to control others. They were controlled as children. Of course they are programmed to relive that life. So, you just work with what you have. And hopefully if you are reading this, it's working with what you could have too. What you want. Which is stability, kindness, compassion, love, and peace. A life without walking around with a bleeding heart, bleeding on others because you are hurt. These principles aren't something I was raised with knowing. I'm still on this journey, I haven't made it to the other side. I sometimes imagine what life might have been like if people like my family, never had children. And I feel like human life would have been better without their existence. It takes forever for humans to grow and change man. ugh.