Behind

Do you ever feel like life keeps on moving with out you sometimes? You thought were doing okay, exercising regularly, waking up on time, enjoy socializing, fulfilling your promises and responsibilities.... and then some how the rug got pulled out from underneath you? And all of a sudden you are homeless, haven't been to the dentist in two years, over sleeping, gained 25lbs and can't remember the last time you sincerely had a good laugh until you cried moment? But maybe it wasn't such a quick change after all, maybe it was just you who finally woke up and noticed how bad things were? Maybe you were trying not to notice? Maybe you didn't want to face reality. . .

I think the entire world is experiencing this in 2020 actually. With heavy hearts and minds people are still going, somehow.

I frankly don't know how I'm doing it. My to-do list is getting longer and my patience has worn thin. Between family complications over me sharing my life experiences while working on my trauma healing, my own daily mental health struggles and the regular life difficulties that plagues the lives of the impoverished.... I don't know how I keep going sometimes.

But I've felt called to help others when I can, even when I struggle helping myself. As a child raised in Mormonism, I was taught that service would bring me the closest to the lord. ("lord"-lower case on purpose) "when you are in the service of your fellow man, you are in the service of the lord." and " love thy neighbor as thy self".... I never understood that last one, because back then, I never loved myself. I treated others far better than I was treating myself as is. Giving sincere compliments, asking others how they were doing. Things I never did to myself, never thought to do for myself..... None the less, service always made me feel better about myself... because I stopped thinking about myself and was just looking out for someone else. Watching someone else smile feels good.

Since leaving Mormonism, I often wonder if service can be for selfless reasons or if all motives are selfish? If you are helping others to make yourself feel good, is it really self-less? Is donating large sums of money to only claim it on your tax returns later as "exemptions" really "generous"? Is there really a form of love that exists that doesn't give back to you somehow? Isn't that how all relationships are formed? With the expectation that you will receive some level of love and respect, otherwise you wouldn't return... that there is nothing there that serves you?

Just some thoughts that run through my mind that get me thinking. . .

Since my suicide attempt totaling the nicest vehicle I have ever owned in Jan 2018, I haven't crawled out of the space of owning "old cars without working air conditioning". A friend that I have given rides to asked me "well can't you fix that?" Well, yeah...but I rather save my money and just bitch about it instead. LOL My car gets me from point A to point B. Comfort isn't what I drive. Besides I've owned a few vehicles already that the AC was long gone and busted. While perhaps a simple $40 Walmart stop to recharge it might help, my past experience has told me it wasn't worth the bother it leaked out in a week anyways. I don't want to sink hundreds into this vehicle.

So, while I was driving in the 92 degree humidity, windows down, under boob sweat stained the worst outfit choice of a grey dress (and I don't wear bras)... I was the first stopped at a traffic light next to a known place homeless and needy people hold signs and pan handle. I smiled at the guy with a side grin. I saw him here a few days ago, I told him today's weather was a bitch, and told him about my car AC's issue. He said " it's probably hotter in there than it is out here" meaning hotter in my car. I gave him another smile, this time with teeth and said "you're probably right...lets both hope for cooler weather!" He chuckled. The light turned green and he wished me "a good day".

I can't tell you how often I have ignored people like him before. Locked my doors, not looked at them in the eye or even said hello, even when I didn't have much to offer. Dehumanizing the needy, because of the stigma that I was raised in this area that people aren't safe, or they are on drugs. Safety is important, but I can't tell you that "using my best judgment" has been the excuse of my bigoted heart for a looooooong time. I now realize trusting my judgement so far has left me judging others hardships above viewing them as a fellow human.

And for the sake of not virtue signalling and asking for an applause, likes and pats on the back there is no need to share my other little acts of service lately. Just know I have a heart for the homeless, struggling and broken people. Wherever your heart is telling you to go and help, do that.

I will however share another story of a friend I visited last year during a time I was struggling. She was a mother I use to work with and watched her lively daughter and I just needed good company and a smile. Such a good wholesome home and family. She took me out to eat, I hadn't known it was on her last few dollars, and while we were walking into the diner, a man on a bike stopped and asked for a dollar or "anything you could spare". I told him I didn't have anything and Erin immediately pulled out her wallet and handed him a few crumpled one's. Her daughter smiled, asked him how he was doing, as we tried to get her to come into eat with us. She just liked talking to people, and yes perfect strangers. GAH! In that moment, I sunk a little. . . guilty of thinking the thoughts in my head, negative towards him "probably just using it for drugs." But if I wanted to be a mom, I would want to be that kind of mom. Setting a good example of how people should treat each other. This wasn't about giving someone everything they ask for when they ask for it, but helping when you could and had the resources. I don't have one memory of my family helping the homeless, poor or needy. It was if the homeless never existed, and that only criminals or strange people went though that hardship; when in fact anyone could end up there. That wasn't something my life growing up taught me.

Erin's daughter. :)

I hope one day, that just like Erin, I can have that big of a heart, to not even question "where they will spend that money, *my* money, I so graciously gave them" and help, if I can help, no matter what happens. This small act of love doesn't require to have much, but it does require to have. You can't help others when you have nothing to give. Changing our paradigm can help, because we each have something we can likely give and help others. I may not have cash/money to always donate, but I have a working car to give rides. I have legs and arms I can help someone take groceries to their door. I can say hello and smile and treat people with real people kindness, even if they are holding a "homeless" sign, and using that money to get high. I can be kind. What other people choose to do with their lives is their choice, but what am I doing with mine?

So in the confusion and hustle and bustle of trying to get back to a normal schedule... getting your hair done, seeing your dentist, calling and making appointments, paying bills, going back to the gym, grocery shopping, bathing the kids, changing diapers, cooking dinner in because you want to be healthy and stop eating out, taking a trip to the beach... don't forget to be kind. To yourself, and to others.

• Be kind to the people who zoned out at the green light a little too long. (instead of road rage)

• Be kind to your roommates who forgot to take out the trash. . . again.

• Be kind to your pet, who doesn't know why the fuck you are always home right now and would like some privacy. (cat owners....)

• Be kind to people you don't know.

• Be kind to the person you see everyday in the mirror.

• Be kind.

Be kind, and maybe you won't feel as far. . . behind.