Burn out

I know I haven't been blogging as much. ( and it's not for lack of time on my hands)

I know I haven't been keeping up with all my basic needs.

I know I have been missing my doctor appointments.

I know I have been just barely staying afloat mentally.

Gratefully to prevent full crisis most things around me okay. Bills are paid, Money flow is okay, my environment is safe and clean for the most part.

But I'm burned out and I notice it.

I miss people, I miss going out. To avoid wearing a mask I just don't go anywhere or do anything. I'm told my asthma isn't an excuse and I understand that it isn't, but spring is here, snot runs down my nose, Im having hormone issues with my PTSD giving me massive hot flashes and my whole body is covered in sweat fogging my glasses with a mask. None of these are excuses, but they are reasons I just avoid everything. So what do I do if I go no where and do nothing?

It feels like a lot of nothing. To avoid spending money, while trying to get mentally healthy, I don't go anywhere or do anything. Because it costs money. So I stay home. I cook as many meals as possible. I take care of my hygiene, I clean and care for the cats. I advertise for my businesses when I feel like I can manage something interesting. I plan pack and prepair Sean's lunches every day for work. I scroll on social medias to see what other people are up to, I listen to audio books and I watch a LOT of YouTube. Music, funnies, documentaries, cooking shows, and ASMR. Oh I have an ASMR channel I am meaning to upload things to.

My car was vandalized, aka a thief stole the catalyst converter from my car, but at least my worst fears aren't coming true; it's not totaled! My insurance IS covering the cost of fixing it. This however happend on Feb 24th. Today is April 4th.... *sighs* between pain, surgery, sadness and stress, the biggest thing bother me is my discosaistion. I don't know what day it is or what it means to know what day it is. My brain is controlling itself into some sort of shock.

But I also make phone calls, loads of them! So many I'm done talking about what's wrong with me with every new provider. Just read my chart. Phone calls for car insurance. Phone calls to tow my undriveable vehicle. Phone calls to machanics to make sure if my car is undriable that they wouldn't mind taking thr car off my hands for me because I dont have a way to get it back "home." Phone calls for every single appointment reminder. And two more for the same appoinyment just because. I even got the $5 off target cvs pharmacy perk in 45 days for filling 10 RX's! In 45days?! It usually takes months for me to achieve that.

Hot flashes, night sweats, to cold flashes. Life is just hard. Racing thoughts aren't even my biggest struggle with putting my thoughts together, its forgetting what I want to say even though the words buzzed by my eye balls only seconds ago making sense. I feel drugged and slow. And honestly with this new hormone to help stop "pelvic pain" I guess it could be a side effect, but I don't have the energy to look it up. So I complain.

I don't eat, and than I eat too much. I feel like I need some outside force to help rest me.

AND I AM HOPPING, HEADING TO THE BEACH will help. I also fear it will trigger some bad memories. The last time I was there, in the condo, I was assaulted by two different people.

I than think of why I'm not writting blogs. I did let my natural nails grow out for ASMR than not even use them. They made it hard to type and I told myself "i'll blog later" but I need blogging to help me vent, to help me process my emotions. And I get sad because I know my rough drafts, are.... rough drafts and that it takes far more energry to post the photos I want, and edit everything for a final draft to publish it. Writing it one thing, I have dozens of posts sitting in drafts that never get posted. It still helps to write things down and visualize progress with each letter, space and word.

But I'm burned out. Over what?

Really just not being able to properly give my human body all that it needs when it needs it to be happy and healthy. I set alarms and snooze them. or forget to turnon my volume. Or hear them, and just let dinner burn. I just can't seem to commit to the things i need too.

Oh hello depression, you love a good burn out. You two are best buds. But could you party on somewhere else and get the fuck outta my head? I need a break.

Beach, beach beach. Just a few more days.

I think of the 8 hour drive I will be making mostly on my own. I pick up Sean from his night shift at 730am and he sleeps in the back, all the way down to the beach. *sighs* More alone time. So much alone time. I'm always alone while Sean works; the night shifts are the hardest because we can't even text, because he's working/awake when I'm asleep and vise versa.

Bla, So many rambles and it feels like not good content. Why do I feel pressured to make decent content if this is my public online journal? I guess because I know people read it and it is better if it has a artistic flow and makes sense.

But the truth is, inside my mind often doesn't make any sense, it's all over the place. it makes things difficult. It's like... I take photos to post on socials, only to not post them on socials. I make plans and buy props to do ASMR videos only to post pone making or once made posting it. Everything takes extra care. I try and get things done when I feel motivated because to doesn't last long.

"How long will Kirsten's motivation last today? Will she wash her hair? Will she remember her doctors appointment? Will she care to get out of bed and feed herself? Or will she make it the grocery store parking lot, only to turn around and come right back because the parking lot full of cars, meaning full of people gives her an anxiety attack?"

I wish there was a reset button, because I would be pushing that mother fucking thing. HARD.

I've been trying to add my own photos to this dumb thing and the server isn't having it. >__> it obviously wasn't meant to be. I was going to add a few photo of me and some funny memes, but noooooo lets not liven this sad blog up today with anything funny. We can't have that.

Here's to another short rant blog that gives a peek inside how my mind and how my racing thoughts wonder. (willl update photos later when site starts working properly again!)