Cassidy Harris

Today's blog is one of the most embarrassing ones I have ever created. Embarrassing to me. For many reasons that will be talked about. But embarrassment is an emotion that serves a purpose. It allows you to move forward, make changes and never do it again. Consider this a lesson learned. Being this vulnerable and sharing my life comes with consequences. But it also lets people know I don't hide, or lie, and that I live my life authentically, the best way I know how.

It all started in March 2019 where I met a man named Chase Heckman online. He was on a dating/chat site flirting. This is where I found out he was cheating!

AND CHEATING IS GROSSSS

Guilt holding him back from breaking up with her. (No he's just a terrible human)

(I grabbed these screen shots upon Cassidy's request after I realized what he did!)

Should it have ended here like it had with so many other people? It could have, yes. But he expressed his interest in leaving his abusive relationship. And I listened to his story.

Sadly much of our conversation was lost, as I had to block the creepy stalking weirdo on his Instagram after this ordeal. The only screen shots I have left are every single one of his texts. He got several new social medias to find and try talking to me again and each one I'd block. Before we met, just that once, I didn't have problems being friends with him but wouldn't be meeting him or perusing until he was 1) openly poly, and I could speak with his girlfriend for verification or 2) broke up with her and was done. We eventually swapped Instagram/contact information as he said I was helping him get the courage to break up with her and move on with his life.

This idiot painted her to be some terrible controlling person abusing him, bringing home drugs, always breathing down his neck, taking his phone- even though I pointed out he continued to cheat on her and she had rightful reason for concern. Each time she forgave him. (turns out they both were pretty rough people- who would have thought?!) So when he said he broke up with her and asked her to the leave the house, we made plans to hang out. Afterwards, he ghosted me. So I figured he lied about his situation and I went to go tell the girl what happen! She deserved to know that he lied to me too, but more importantly her. You know the girl he had been dating and housing for year. And yes, I mean "girl". She was 17. (A MINOR!) All of this happen from March 25, 2019 until meet up on the April 4th. (A week and a half)

So many red flags. Ugh.

When asking when we will be meeting up again, he ghosted.

She put up a fight and an a little attitude at first ....

No Condoms? No other Birth Control. Several miscarriages. Substance Abuse. Ugh man. It's heavy.

Kirsten in 2021---- realizing now, I done fucked up. I cared too much about people I can not help. I can't do anything for these people. Not one damn thing.

She choose Chase. I told her he would cheat again. He did. Again and again. And back and forth she went between this guy and the guy she is living with now. We will call him Devon (because that is his name.) During a down time off from Chase, I was happy for her, I picked her up and she took me out to dinner at Olive Garden. (I ordered the cheapest lunch meal option on the menu, but I did get a glass of wine.) She paid everything in full and was extremely generous for someone I perceived to have nothing. He spending was manic. I thought the carelessness and the amount of food she ordered was over kill. We than went to the mall where she picked out some lingerie/sex toys for her new date. (Devon) Getting her retail high/therapy. And than I didn't hear from her for many many months. She went back to Chase. She would occasionally write me about getting high and climbing to the top of sigh-lo's to watch the stars. Not my thing though.

We lost track of each other, and come summer 2020, covid central, according to her she had been living at another friends home for almost 11 months. Chase was than kicked out from his mothers. Multiple DUI's, jail time, and drugs, and he joined the same group of friends in the 5 bedroom apartment. Drama raised. Cheating happen again between Chase/Devon/Cassidy. Chase gets angry and threatens police to remove her. Oddly her name was never put on the lease? And I was told Chase's mother, Denise? Diane? paid the landlord to get rid of everyone else. (sketchy) I mean it was a drug house...

She called late, 2am one morning because Devon was drunk and threaten to "beat her". I came and picked her up and took her "home", the home she was being evicted from- because I cared about her safety. From June on, is when Cassidy and I began hanging out more. She was finally pulling away from Chase again! Mostly between jobs, struggling, loosing more weight from hunger. But she didn't have a support system. She dropped out of high school. Didn't have an ID/Drivers license. No Car. No family. Few friends. What few friends she had was also using drugs. She moved her things to her aunts (aka her adopted mom? I have no clue) grungy basement- almost 35 mins away from where she was at. And almost an hour away from where I lived.

She even asked as a last resort if she could move into our place and spare room. I felt bad for her, I did consider it. Sean and I's worry were the drugs. And I didn't have good enough vehicle/time to drive her to her jobs that far away everyday back to Pennsylvania to pay her way for being here. She didn't drive or have a valid ID. I knew what kind of time I'd be committing to, letting her stay in my home to "get her on her feet".

Countless times she has said I "was her only sober friend." Favors began to be asked for rides. Honestly the gas money was the most I spent on her. Picking her up and bringing her back to my home, was a 60 minute round trip. Lets do some quick math, just in case she reads this and can get an idea of how much gas costs.

20 ish miles there (rounded down) Pick up

20 Miles back to my home/town (where we hung out)

20 miles take her home

20 miles to drive myself home.

80 miles almost every time we hung out. More when she had me drive to different towns for her errands and moving. And we did this perhaps close to 20= times? Probably more, over all the time I knew her.

So 1,600 miles. More miles than I put on my car in the last several months/ most of the year really.

My car is a 1999 honda accord. (yeah 22 years old! Older than her.) It gets roughly 22 MPG these days, I keep track.

1600total /22mpg = 72.72 (looking for miles per gallon)

72.72 x Ave Gas Price... we'll just say $2.50 because it varies- its $2.60 right now

$181.75 for gas and many, many hours on the road. This doesn't include the up keep I put into my car in order to keep it running. This may not seem like a lot of money, but while my income is stable, it is" fixed" right now, and I put a lot of time money and effort into this friendship. I was hopping she could be more thoughtful in return.

My car gets great millage for how old it is! That is a decent amount in gas though when she has only paid me once, in cash, $8, to help her go to/from her aunts. She has mentioned it several other times, I have never said no. And she has never given it.

Did I bother to ask/pry again to be paid? No. Is that my fault? Yes.

I cared about her and knew her money was limited. I want to be with a person who doesn't have to be reminded to do the thing they said they would do. I find it difficult asking to be paid. The responsible thing to do is not expect others to always do things for free for you. Not all of our conversations can be screen shot, because we also talked over snap chat/over the phone, and in person with many of this things. And until this past month, she didn't have a phone with a phone plan. She just said social medias.

I also helped pay a portion of rent once. It wasn't much, but I wanted to help. She was in tears. She later told me her monthly rent was only $100?- I paid $60. She was working full time at this point, where was her money going to not pay a tiny $100/mo. rent? DRUGS. Of course I didn't know it at the time.

I took her grocery shopping/bought her groceries/ food out many times. We did face masks, and girls nights. I had recently moved in with Sean when my dad kicked me out for exposing my sisters child abuse here on my blog. I remember the car ride to her bank, where she told me about her mom also being on her account, it was a joint account from when she was a child. And her good-for-nothing-mother steals from her regularly. (I now question if it is even her account) She only had her school ID to access this account. She dropped her ID on the floor of my car, and she couldn't name the last transaction on the card, so they denied her access, until she found it!

Red flag, after red flag. This poor child need a role model something BAD. I tried to be a good example, even though now she says she doesn't want it. I was trying to get her focus on getting the important things like food stamps, medicaid, ID's, and a new bank account, encouraged employment to get her back on her feet, therapy and group therapy for addiction. But she didn't want help. She wanted to have fun. Escape. Drive to the middle of no where in the middle of the night spending her grocery money at sheetz. And she was still in addiction. Chassing the next high. The next smile. The next happy. I believe her actions show she still is.

She did open up to me the day Sean and I drove to her to help her with rent, we took her for ice cream and while sitting in the car, she talked about doing sex work for extra money. She asked me my opinion to which I confided to be safe, have a screen name, be careful with any identifying tattoos. (too late she had multiple, and was putting money into more while asking me to help with rent) This is one of the times she took the time to rag on her "life long friend" Emily and share details about her addiction and the things she did to get her drugs. Calling her a whore. (yikes!) Sean was present both time Cassidy shared some terrible rumors about her "friend."

She talked about her unsafe sex choices. No birthcontrol. Getting pregnant and constantly miscarrying a few weeks in. She said she didn't care what it was doing to her body. I asked her

Me-"Have you thought about being responsible and treating yourself better?"

She answered "honestly I don't even think about it."

I replied "So you are being thoughtless while conceiving? You can't take care of a child, do you have funds for an abortion? Is that ethically what you could do?"

She replied "I always misscarry anyways. It doesn't matter. I can find the money." She has lied many times, so this number may be off, but she has been pregnant to my knowledge 4 times.

They may care about the vitamins if you quit smashing the drugs and alcohol.

Constant self destruction. Selfishness. Thoughtless-ness. I'm not perfect either, I was coming from a place of concern and suggestions of things she could affordably change and do with no insurance. I wouldn't care so much if she wasn't potentially putting the life of someone else in trouble. Bringing a child into her chaotic life. Like so many other teenage moms do. If you can't care for yourself, do NOT bring a child into this world. Addicts never care about anyone but their own personal pleasure. Let's not forget me to mention why she asked me why I don't let men ejaculate inside me, when discussing our sex lives. I told her I use condom or withdraw. There are no other choices. I don't want to be pregnant. And it blew her mind. LEGIT.

Continuing ... I offered to advertise to my clientele if she got an Only Fans too. She lied about having one/trying to get one- probably because it wouldn't let her use her High School sophomore ID. . . . But this was at a point that I didn't know she didn't have a legal valid ID. And she wouldn't be allowed on the site. She knew that I had an Only Fans, I wanted to send her free link to mine to see what kinds of things she could do on the site. But she said she "deleted her account" and "didn't like it." At one point she had asked me to sell her "content" (nudes) to my clientelle so she could buy a $30 dvd player. Ummmmm. NO! I am not your pimp! Her reason for asking me was that "she would do it for me, because she has done it for others". Mean while she doesn't change her name, or follow any safety precautions in order for me to feel okay to be able to help her. She is irresponsible. I turned her down.

This was my first breaking point. Cassidy isn't making progress. At all. What kind of person do you have to be to ask something like that? I don't value DVD players like that. Honestly it didn't sound like what she needed was "dvd's" anyways. I support sex-workers, but not drug addictions. I will not put myself or someone else in danger while someone is unsafe and vulnerable. I also won't do your work and spread your content for you. This is not the kind of person I want in my life. And I wrote her a sincere long message. One that talked about feeling used, like she only wanted favors from me and used me for my car and generosity.

Now to the last straw.

Cassidy physical health is in rapid decline. Long story short, she is pissing blood, kidneys failing, and the doctors at the ER believe she needs dialysis. She is 19! It was initially said that her doctor visit was to be in Hershey PA. A 5-hour round trip day. I know she didn't have anyone for that. And I offered. Sadly, she was inconsiderate again, ignored my verification message to her of the drive we would make, asking for an exact address. Below in the last video she is furious. says both "she was sleeping all day" And yet told me on the phone she "was awake and bored" and "had the message on her phone before she left" when Emily messaged her to take her out for dinner. She was already at Emily's house, having dinner, and couldn't even reply back to confirm until I messaged her again. I doubt she would have even cared to message me back had I not messaged her again.

So, I'm going to take a tonyl break, because the rest of this blog believe it or not shows a really hurt and broken side to this growing woman. I've watched for almost two years her life get worse and worse. Physical and mental health decline, substance abuse, toxic relationships, and unhealthy financial choices. I do not have people like this in my life. It's hard watching someone struggle. I know what it took to get me "back-on-my-feet", and I know I can't provide that environment for her for several years. I do not blame her from literally being born to the worst family ever. I do not blame her for not seeing what is good. She has never known good. Ever in her life.

So when I said goodbye this second time over a misunderstanding that had white lies all through it.... she completely crumbled and showed me her true self. And everything that hurts, is still sore and hurting... spewed out.

Highlighted Moments

1. 2:05 HAHA

2. 5:41- mental health awareness

3. 9:34- Angry voice messages

4. 12:22- What actually happen.

"Hurt people hurt people." My therapists have said. And she is hurting. Someone else taught her this selfishness, and I can't be with someone like that until they unlearn it. She can blame it on whatever she wants, even if she does have memory and physical/ mental health issues, actions peak louder than words. Which is ironic because she is just screaming at me the entire time for setting boundaries, and I considered ghosting her and running away from the problem. Some may laugh, but all of this is so fucking sad. I'm sad to watch someone be so low. Make mistake after mistake. And not care about herself. It's sad.

Moral of the story, don't be friends with people like this. You deserve better. I don't tolerate liars, cheaters or addicts.

Literally no one in my life knows this girl who has fallen through the cracks. And this is my goodbye. She was my first and last friend like this. I've heard about addiction, I've dated men in addiction, but not like this. Not at all like this. This is REAL low. Being this vulnerable and sharing my life comes with consequences. But it also lets people know I don't hide, or lie, and that I live my life authentically, the best way I know how. People who pull through hard shit are some of the coolest people. I'm not sure if she will make it though.

Sometimes sharing hard things with the public puts things in perspective. To me and her. Could you do what I do? Share all your skeletons in your closet? Just to try and be better.

I'm trying to get better. And that involves leaving some people behind.