Day 51

I said goodbye to a therapist I thought I'd really grow to love. Instead, I'm angry sad, hurt and no longer want to see her again. The why's don't make sense to others. But it's my therapy. My journey. My life. And my choice. She broke my trust. I want to say I'm teaching her a lesson. She gets to know the real authentic Kirsten that doesn't tollerate bullshit. But I'm not, she will learn nothing other than our time is over and her thursday morning time slot is open again for someone else. So. fucking. what? I have zero intentions of seeing her again, or trying to repair a relationship with her. So here I sit. This morning when she messaged me to confirm my appointment I told her I'd be looking for another therapist. I cried, I was angry. I was suicidal. I told myself I'd probably skipp my appointment. I had no clue when I hopped online and screen shot sone options from Psychology today website for local therapists- I'd find someone for next tuesday. Go me. I only called two people. One called back. Boom, got an appointment. Her name is Kayla. My therapist journey is never ending. I stay until they offend me and my body repells seeing them ever again. And I make the change. The important word of the day is.. I. Me and My. All of this is for me. With each new therapist it seems I learn to hide or present myself in a way to attempt to get what I need..... inevitably I break down, let them see me, the real me. They don't like it. And I feel obligated to move on. Danielle said she really enjoyed getting to know me at the end of our appointment. And I so strongly dislike when therapists lie to make pleasant conversation. She was grapsing at straws... I know for a fact she didn't mean it. She didnt welcome me into to her office today like she usually does. She didn't wait by the door to close it for me. She told me she didn't even expect to see me today, regardless of me saying I'd be there. Her body language was done with me too. Don't fucking lie to me for your profesionality. Just tell mentou dont like me either and be done. Truthfully I just came in to tell her I found another therapist. And unbelievably fast. But I left her office... door in the wind, (no slaming this time) shirt stained with tears, pockets full of wet used tissues. Hating myself. And hating her a little bit more too. I shouldn't have gone in at all. She hurt me. I don't forgive her. But I never have to see her again. *smiles* I am choosing to start over. With someone new. This will be my 8th therapists in two years. I just can't seem to find a good fit. And I REALLY wanted Danielle to work out. Marsha, from CASA did ask some important questions. I believe questions stir the mind and set the subconscious free. Allowing your inner self to find peace that you wouldn't have given yourself the chance to ponder. She asked me how many times I've seen Danielle. I said about 10 sessions. She confirmed today it was 11 appointments. *sighs* about 1.5hrs each. Is 16.5 hours. Basically two eight hour work shifts of me crying 15.5 of those 16.5 hours. And it wasn't enough time for me to trust her, or her to trust me. One bad day questioned my future actions. And scared her to betray me. So fuck you Danielle. I deal with so much more than one bad day and a slammed door on a weekly basis. She pushed the right buttons on Monday though and right over the edge I went. Marsha pointed out that it's good for a therapist to see a wide range of emotions from their clients- but has never seen me feel the need to leave mid appointment from those emotions. It was a good observation. She asked me to ask myself why I felt safe with her and what was different with Danielle? But the only thing I took away from that question was obviously I didn't feel safe with Danielle. Otherwise I wouldn't, have done that, I wouldn't have walked away. And I'm sticking with that. She isn't safe. Even if she says "she had my best intrests." *barf* See you next week. #8 Hope your better than #7.