Disability- Who me?

I feel like I talk to much about my struggles, and not enough about my good things. I also feel like I have a lot of shitty stuff to emotionally process and the good things in my life seem to limited and short lasting. The "normal" days are bad days and that is normal.

When my mental illness symptoms flare my like fatigue, forgetfulness and confusion my entire day can be void of any feelings of positivity or happiness. It caused me to miss my weekly therapy this week- mixing up days and times. and I ended up over reacting and canceling the rest of my days plans. I then took off my pants and mopped around the house. I was determined not to be productive then.

I recently came across a Facebook post comment section about "Toxic positivity". And how "Abilities are just as real as disabilities." It made me realize no matter how many amazing abilities I have, which are many, that they seem to cover up or trick people into believing I don't have any disabilities. Or convince those around me that the good things out weigh the bad, and I've got life under control. Even though my disabilities are the ones that get the most attention. It's true, they need the most love and healing.

I want to be free from the things that keep me codependent financially on others. Instead of belonging to a community that screams "You can do anything you put your mind to", it should be "the things you are capable of matter and are important." Things like desire, motivation, and will power play roles in all achievements. And for the disabled, at what cost? A person can't live on an increasingly forced hope that some day their efforts will be good enough if you "just never give up". Especially if you are telling them what they are currently doing isn't enough. I've been asked countless times if I'm even trying or is this sincerely my best? This question is important for self reflection and growth but the tone and purpose of the people who directed it towards me, over and over, were using it to demean me and accuse that I wasn't trying my best. But who are you tell someone what is their best? Because you've seen me perform better? Have you really? And how long did my best last? Oh yeah, just a few months. Welcome to my disability. I know it's an inconvenience for you I'm so inconsistent. Imagine how I feel. The system is broken- you're even punished for missing appointments at mental health places, all while consistency isn't something mentally ill patients are good at.

I'm not asking for pity, not at all, I'm asking you to (1) treat me kindly even though I might not be able to do all the things you do and (2) Believe me when I say I'm trying my best.

While all I had to do was sit in class and listen to get an A, many of my fellow peers had to study for hours just to scrape by, or just sit next to me and cheat. I didn't much struggle academically in school. Now on a more serious side of life, I'm trying to financially take care of myself in an already broken economy. No one says life is easy. Instead they say "if I struggled, so must you." A very angry part of me knows that with struggle comes growth. But not when there is only struggle and never growth. There is a healthy part to stress. But frankly, what I'm doing now doesn't cover the bills. What I'm doing now simply isn't enough. And I'm frugal. Does that mean I'm not enough, that I'm not worthy? "Kirsten, you are worth living" says the mental health professionals. I have a hard time believing it when it comes to society standards-It just means I have to try harder. But what if I can't? What if this, right now, is my very best? The toxic positivity says: Keep giving your best, each day- It will pay off! But has it paid off for everyone who has tried really hard? No, it hasn't. Some might even call those people quitters.

And then I realized the merge of healthy self confidence and my honest best work- is soul shatteringly- NOT enough. No wonder I think about killing myself as often as I do. My best isn't enough to pay my bills. So I guess I don't deserve to have a clean place to live or food to eat until I figure out how to make enough money or keep a job to sustain living! Oh and suicide is bad and makes you coward, even though life is REALLY hard, you deserve to suffer- don't you even think about taking the easy road. How dare you?!

I really thought I'd out grow the rough patches in my life. And at 26, living at home with my dad, for now anyways, I find myself- self loathing, why I can't be like those who can take care of themselves. I never went through a party phase, I never dabbled in drugs,I don't have any substance dependence, or spent a lot of money poorly, unless it was in actual attempt to commit suicide. (I once paid someone for assisted suicide I never showed up for) I have not and most likely will not ever own a tv, I don't have home internet, I never purchased a vehicle I couldn't afford. I paid for all my vehicles with cash. And up until recently never had any issues with the law. (During my last suicide attempt I got traffic charges from driving myself into a tree trying to kill myself) I've questioned if my minimalism was attached to my depression and pure lack of interest. It still might be, but here I sit trying to prove why I'm not lazy or frivolous, as if people who did struggle with things I didn't don't deserve food either. Why am I trying to prove why I deserve love. Seriously, why do we do this to each other?

Not everyone who is born is going to be able to take care of themselves. We assign Doctors, and specialists to decide who gets government help or assistance financially. We have one of the shittiest government educational systems in world. We can't even figure out who is honestly needing help or who is taking advantage of the system, so we make everyone a slave to it and put down anyone who admits struggle.

"I pay taxes for you to sit on your ass at home. I wish I could be on disability and do nothing all day."

Actually, no you don't wish for this life. Hell, If you are working- even with hang ups- you don't qualify for disability. Your meer privilege to even utter those words feels like a disqualification. Most people on disability don't want it. They wish they could work and pay taxes. Living on a shitty fixed income isn't what anyone wants! You don't want this. At all. Disability is a last choice. You don't want the burden of applying for public housing, being denied, and if/when finally accepted you pack all your belongings just to move into a building that gets bed bugs a few times a year.

Odds are if you are on disability you have weekly doctor appointments. If you are on disability you often can't afford a vehicle/can't drive one and you take public dirty transit or walk to those appointments. Depending on your disability transportation is a hard part of daily living. But getting out of the house itself can often be the highlight of your week; just seeing your therapist or having something to do. (It is for me anyways.) Some weeks it's the only time I leave my house. These aren't "rough times" of the disabled, this is the consistent life of those on government assistance. This means they can't try harder to get better quality. Your bank accounts are now under watchful eye of the government, a penny over allowed income is questioned and is fraudulent. And puts you at risk for discontinued help, or a federal prison sentence. Did you get cash as a birthday gift? Make sure not to deposit into your bank to pay for something online sitting in your amazon wish list. The government now plays god on just how much you can enjoy life. And what fun looks like in money form. (As if struggling to get what you need to survive isn't self deprecating enough, people remind you your worth is is attached to your ability to take care of yourself.)

"So on a scale to of 1-10 how are you feeling today?" My therapist asks. Well giving up sounds superior to anything else. If you think dying a coward is bad, you should look in the mirror and ask if living so hateful is all that great. Priorities... I'd rather be me than you. And if you feel the same way. Mind your fucking business.