Do you have a plan?

I'm tired of having to lie my way through the health care system.

I have to lie about being passively suicidal all the time. Because it's my base line and it scares people, if I tell anyone but a psychiatrist, and sometimes even then, that I am suicidal they want a full psych evaluation and throw me impatient.

What I need is people to help teach me to cope with the things that make me that way, not focus on this symptom. But few are willing to do that, save it out-patient therapists. Unless I LIE. I must lie and tell people I'm fine when I'm not. Else I spend my life under a microscope of people who think I belong impatient. I know when I belong impatient. And it's when I say I belong. No other times will it help me.

But instead when I occasionally feel vulnerable enough to share when I am, I am carried off by the police after they break down my door to "make sure I am alright". Bunch of fucking no good pigs.

But I'm growing tired of these systems in the community I live in. Am I suppose to be sorry for my feelings? Sorry for the way I live my life everyday? Sorry for my opinions? I don't know how to help cope or change them while in this community. So I lie about how I feel. I tell them I'm not suicidal. Because I don't know what else to do to get the help I know I need. Telling the truth certainly isn't helping me.

"Do you have plan?"

They say.....

Bitch, I always have a plan. Don't start with me. I literally hate this question. It makes my skin crawl. It's just a question. But it is THE question that will keep you out of the hospital. *wink wink* Answer "no" if you don't want to be impatient. So my plan? Hanging. It's the best answer for me; always. Least mess ups, and more success rates. It's also less messy. Lots of people have thought about the best way to die. In fact most people have. Intrusive weird thoughts happen. That's not the best way to describe my thoughts now even if it probably started that way as a pre-teen. Suicide, while sad and lonely, seems inevitable for me. I struggle seeing any other way I would die unless in some sort of accident. Something not in my control.

You see, I don't want to live forever. No one actually lives forever, not even Edward Cullen. I never imagined I'd see life at 28, let alone trying to image living until I am 50. I also see how health and mind declines in my grandparents and I don't want that for myself. I don't want to be on dialysis 4x a week just to stay alive. I also don't want to loose my mind and have alzheimers and not be able to remember what I said just moments ago. I'm left to conclude my grandparents have enough joy and happiness in their life to leave them happy and fight to stay alive. But it certainly baffles me regularly. Maybe that kind of drive is something I need/want?

The irony that someone can look so happy and vibrant and be so sad.

Day-to-day life inside my brain isn't a safe or warm space. It's rather dark and cold, lonely, and full of racing thoughts despite my cheery disposition. So I can't imagine a life continuing living in that for decades. So far it's been 15 years of it, and it doesn't get better persay, I cope and learn new ways to help myself that make managing my mental more livable. But if I was given the choice, I wouldn't like to live this way at all. I'm not sure what would have to happen in order for me to change my mind on that. My mental illness and more importantly my life trauma has formed a way on thinking that is disturbing to simple minds. It's not going to easily change with simple methods. I need intensive care for a massive change to be made.

And I do so much to help my mental health. Including blogging/journaling my feelings here, and acupuncture, weekly mental health (EMDR) therapy, meditation, yoga, eating well, not drinking alcohol, no recreational drug use, I keep my home clean for a healthy environment and I keep up on trying to have hobbies to be the best me. I really am utilizing my time and my energy as best as I can. But that doesn't mean it is enough for people who struggle with mental illness. You can be doing everything right and it still be a struggle.

Big scary life events can make things harder, too like last week after I posted my blog and sent it to Madisen (Sean's ex girlfriend and more-than-friends lover) and her boyfriend, can make things even more blurry. I believed Madisen deserved to know how Sean had been lying and hiding their relationship behind my back, and how that wasn't apart of our relationship boundaries. I did not know the details of their relationship, nor apparently was I allowed to, even when I asked frequently. He said "we rarely talk." Of course most who are reading this blog know already that was a heavily dramatic blog that lead to a scary Sean anger blow up. Full of intimate details about Sean's, Madisen's and l's lives. Being vulnerable is difficult sometimes due to the back lash. Of course, according to Sean, Madisen shared that blog with her parents. When he came home from work early and stompped down the hall way to bed room where I lay in pj's in my bed for him to scream at me " Why the fuck am I getting phone calls from Madisen's parents?"

Fuck if I know I wouldn't be sharing my sexting non-ethical love life details with my parents. The hell? Why do they need to know I had one man in my bed and one in my back pocket hidden? Not something I would be proud of for sure.

But Sean says things he doesn't mean when he is angry, so maybe he meant his mom? But I don't know why he would use the word "parents". His dad is dead. He doesn't have "parents". Maybe Madisen and her parents are close knit or something? I do recall Sean telling me one of his ex's wanted him to have a 3-some with their mother. *gags* Maybe that was a different ex? *cringe face*

None the less his hysteria resulted in me calling the police and having Sean removed from my home with a protective order. He originally left on his own, but this action prevented his return. Our last court date is Monday May 26th at 8:45am, and I hope he consents and agrees to the order so he can shield it from his record. I want Sean and all remaining parts of him removed from my life. It's so hard watching the man I love, yes I still love Sean, (my deep emotions for him can't be wiped away so quickly) fall apart in front of my me.

I snapped a photo while I was sitting on the front stairs while on the phone with 911.

He scares me, I was rattled and bawled my eyes out wrapping my head around why he could treat me like this after I found out about his lies. He keeps defending himself which is the scariest part. Instead of apologizing for doing wrong, he honestly believes I knew that he was still in love with Madisen. I didn't. I would have written about it in a blog already that Sean had another women in his life as apart of my polyamory journey. But he said he didn't love anyone else but me, despite me encouraging him to date others. I even told Sean I had screen shots from his phone and that that blog existed BEFORE I posted it and I would be posting it later in the day. I knew he wouldn't be happy, but at least he knew about it already, I didn't think he would be so surprised.

Oddly when he came home angry, based on what he said to me during the recorded conversation he hadn't even read the full blog than yet. Its roughly a 20 minute read if you read all the screen shots too. He said he was being called by multiple people on his way to work being screamed at. But he was most likely just sitting in the work parking lot playing on his phone, as it only takes 20 minutes to get there and he left for work over an hour before he returned home again.

None the less the days that followed was so much sadness. Sean and I haven't spent more than a day apart in the past two years we have dated. It's been eleven (11) days since the incident and 8 days since I last saw him. Dead faced walking in to court with his sister, equally bitter looking, refusing to look at me. I gave a sheepish nervous grin that they ignored and sat down the hall on the other bench. I don't know what I was expecting but some days it is so difficult as an empath feeling others strong negative emotions towards me. All I was feeling that day was anxiousness. Anxiousness that made me sick to my stomach. The nervousness built up as I heard them enter the court room behind me, whispering, occasionally hearing the word "she...". They were the only other people talking, as I leaned over to the girl I choose to sit beside and told her "I'm here alone, I hope you don't mind me sitting next to you." She whispered back with a smile "me to." I grinned "we got this!" And then I cried for 2 straight minutes. Unable to move my body as the judge came in and did a roll call. I just raised my hand instead of saying "here", I couldn't find words to say anything. Standing up for yourself sometimes feels wrong when your whole life you have let people walk all over your typical response is the "Freeze" responses of fight/flight/freeze. I knew I was doing what I had to do, but it was so damn hard. I was able to pull myself together before he called "M" for Moody; Sean's last name.

My hands were shaking and I'm so grateful I didn't have to discuss what happen a just a few nights prior, because I wasn't ready yet. With some time apart now I have processed that night quite a bit and am doing better. Sean's sister tried to join him at the table and the judge gave her a funny look as he asked her who she was. She replied in an obvious manner, "I'm his sister". They judge said that she needed to sit down unless she was legally representing Sean. She said "May I give him evidence that I have?" The judge replied "You can give him whatever you want, but you need to go sit down." I didn't dare look over what she handed him, in case we made hideous eye contact again. I was just trying to keep myself together. The judge spoke to Sean and I freely and nervously. I recall Sean saying through an annoyed tone "Your honor, I was served with the protection order as I was trying to get my things out of the home. . ." The judge waved his hand in front of his face as if saying I don't want to hear details today, that is not what this is about. And I was grateful for the temporary protection order until I we had a hearing. The court gave me my papers first so that I could leave the court house separately and I went directly to the front office to look for a public defender. If I was going to do this again I would need some moral support.

The relief I had when I left the court house was tangible. I felt lighter despite the heavy humidity in the air outside. It was also windy that day, my court papers blowing in my hand as I walked back up the street where I parked for free parking. Walking down the same way I use to when I was getting therapy by Fred Hillibert on South Potomac, past the library, on the left. Then I sat in my car I felt ..... free.

Since than it has been back and forth between grief, sadness, excitement and being scared.

Grief not having someone to hold me while I cried anymore.

Sadness to have lost my partner this way.

Excitement that I was single and ready to start something new with roommates.

Scared of failing and doing things on my own.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping at Aldi's. I walked down all the isles because there are only like 5 or 6? And I naturally stopped and looked at the box of canned Arizona tea. Something I always picked up for Sean every time I went to Aldi's; a Habit. I snapped a photo of that too. To honor my emotions for the day. I don't drink tea, but I knew I wasn't going to be getting anymore boxes of tea any time soon, so I mourned an old instinct and finished my grocery shopping, just for me.

I knew there was going to be a lot of moments like this going forward. Two years of Sean can't be erased even if he did put his hands on me. (Gratefully, he did not.) The blissful happy memories. Hand holding, cuddling, binge watching shows together. Smells and foods that remind me of him, and missing the kitten, Asmodeous, I got got for him/we got together, that rightfully belongs to Sean. This shit is never easy. But I'm coping. Sean is a very black and white person. He probably thinks because I took this to court that I am spiteful and angry and hate him. And while I have cycled through many emotions including hate towards him over the past 11 days, I'm mainly so sad it had to end this way.

Me in my closet. I wanted to know what it looked like... what it would like for someone to walk in to me being here in this dark place and find me dead. I made myself cry. I wasn't previously crying.

When I think how dark things got before court... my thoughts and actions of just hanging myself in the closet so that I would miss the court date and be done with living and life. I thought about all the things that would help me peacefully go. Like Sean being the likely person to find my dead body, but more importantly he would know where I was at when I didn't show up to court. He wouldn't want to come to the apartment.

But even as those thoughts egged my actions on I had an epiphany while on minute-two with the rope around my neck.. . And realized I wasn't ready. In MY month of June I gave more to myself, for myself than I ever had before. I poured money and time and love into myself and it gave me the spark to think of those people again who have asked me "Do you have a plan?" And maybe I'll start visualizing a different plan now, one that involves being alive striving to succeed. One that makes me the master of my emotions. A plan of safety, happiness and joy with people who respect and truly love me. People who love me so much there is no need to lie to me. People who love themselves enough to not be insecure that and put in the work for personal growth when they are told they should do better. My plan is to not settle again for less than I deserve. I deserved the world and Sean could barely give me honesty. I almost let that man be my reason to hang myself. I almost said goodbye to this cruel world. 75% of me still wishes I did. But there is a small and mighty 25% of me that is glad I didn't. For now.

Because I have a plan.

Here's a good song for this moment.

"So get your shadow outta my sunshine

Outta my blue skies

Outta my good times

So get your darkness outta my damn way

I'll be dancin' in the rain

I'm a love you even though you hate me."