Deserve

de·serve

verb

do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment)

Say you hear about a new restaurant in town. You want to go out, try something new, and support a local business.

You go out one weekend for lunch and found it friendly, but the food was just okay. We'll try it again another time.

The next time we go out to dinner and spend a good enough of time there and got two of their main dinner entrees, just whatever stood out to us. We had a little of each others. Neither of us liked each others, or even our own! On top of that it seemed the staff was short, making all the new employees panic during their training, and it was a busy, crowded, loud and ancious evening.

We both wanted out of there and were frustrated that we waited a bit too long to have our check paid for. Prolonging our stay.

I'd say its fair that we wont eat there again. Might even leave a review on our experience so other know to expect. I'm not saying Ill never try it again, but no time in the near future did that experience, environment or food leave me wanting to return. So many better places I already know and love to spend my money, you know?

And this is how I felt about meeting Dillon's family. Causal first experience, very unpleasant second. No one liked the second encounter, so to make sure it never happen again, my therapist, Dillon and I compromised and decided that it meant our relationship was changing. Neither can be what we desire in a partner, at least right now.

We decided this relationship is for now, not forever, we don't share the same goals, morals or values, and there wont be any sit- down family time going forward. And Dillon and I were both were on the same page.

I wasn't saying no forever, just for now and under the circumstances that didn't seem to benefit both parties trying to corporate. After all, there were more loving and accepting people in my life who make me feel uplifted when I was around them, not put down. And that's what I wanted for my life. Those are my healthy boundaries.

In order for me to revisit that restaurant,

*There would have to be better food

(Better conversation)

*There would have to be better trained employees

(That would allow for more smooth experience, and know what they were doing and saying)

And lastly to revisit the less than satisfactory restaurant again there would have to be good reason to. Is there a sale? Do they have new management? Is there a new location? Why go back?

I know I wouldn't. And it's as simple as that. Shop at other places.

But admist 12-24oz of gin, Kyle took his mothers side to a conversation he wasn't even present during, when I said my mother doesn't deserve to be in my life. My mother hasn't earned it. She isn't safe. She isn't kind. She isn't a good friend, let alone a good mother. But what he heard was, "I'm above other people" or somehow "better than other people." Specifically, "I'm better than my mother". And that, "I don't just deserve a better mother. Life's not fair and I deserved the mother I got." Work with what I have.

There is so much to unload there.

1. I think healing from my trauma my mother GAVE me, makes me stronger than my mother who hasn't.

2. I think not beating and abusing children makes me kinder, than my mother.

3. I think not lying or cheating on my partners, makes me a better lover than my mother.

4. I believe being an LGBTQ member and ally creates a space my mother has yet to experience.

5. I believe deprogramming myself to not put my skin above anyone else's, makes me more educated than my mother.

There is in fact a lot of differences between my mother and I. Some would say I'm a better version of her, though being compared to her at all is still painful; there are similarities. Isn't that we want from our off-spring? Better?

My truth is accepting that as a child I *deserved* way better than the hand I was dealt. Acknowledging that is apart of most peoples healing journies. Just because Dillon's mother has unhealed trauma she caused her own son's, doesn't give her permission to project her disapproval of my personal life choices. She wanted me to give my mother another chance, because she wants her sons to forgive her for her wrong doings. (Kyle's explanation) Cool. But not relevant to why I don't have a relationship with my mother. A bit of an odd 2nd meeting conversation topic anyways. But be assured, that's my fault too.

My mom is not a good person, she isn't in my life. What kind of person does it make you to side with my abuser whom you've never met? No one I want in my life. Why are you putting yourself in her shoes at all? Ew. From that little I know of Rhonda, she's a better person than my mother ever could be. Do not compare yourself to that.

Rhonda said "did my son deserve to grow up being gay in a strongly Christian home?" I replied "probably not if you didn't make him feel safe and loved. He could have died. Suicide rates for the LGBTQ community are through the roof with lack of acceptance and love."

She changed the subject, immediately. Staring the truth in the face is often met with silence and introspection.

Kyle may not speak up for himself, he doesn't have to. But Kyle, Dillon and I deserved a better childhood. A better mom than the one life handed us. All children deserve better than these women could possibly provide. All children. And that is the life I want for our future. Better.

No child deserves to grow up not being loved for who they are. No child deserves to watch their mom get abused, beat and raped. And no child is better than another for deserving a proper, healthy and stable environment. Children don't need to earn love, children ALWAYS *deserve* to feel loved. Always. Accepting that you're part of the problem is how you heal. Accepting you created a problem is when growth happens. Making amends and changing your actions is the end stage of that process. My mom certainly isn't doing her part, Mean while I'm vulnerable in weekly therapy clocking miles, gas, and hours of my time just trying to find the will to stay alive from the years of abuse I escaped from. Sometimes, like spending times with Dillon's family. I feel trapped right back where I was before. In all the shame cycles and anxiousness of pleasing those around me instead of doing the right thing.

If this disagreement on values and word definitions is what separates me from Dillon's family, than I'm ecstatic over it.

I want better lives for children.

I want a better life for myself.

And sometimes that means cutting out toxic people from your life. That means making choices in my life to keep me safe from people and situations like that, including no communication with my own "relatives".

Creating a human child is a complex thing and most people do thoughtlessly.

Kyle and his mother may have made progress with healing their strained relationship from his youth. But my mother hasn't put in the effort to be that "better woman" yet. She doesn't deserve me or my time. She is unworthy. She is a product of her life choices. And she chose the life she lives right now. She chose her husbands over her children every time. My mother is not a woman I'm proud to say birthed me. And while it may be disrespectful to admit I come from filthe, it's whole the truth. And it hurts to know I didn't have the support system others had during my critical developmental years. Neither of my parents should have reproduced. It's fucking sad they did. They did a great disservice to society for having me and my siblings. I know it, they deny it.

And so, I'm not allowing people I don't know rally to protect MY abusers with their words, thoughts or actions and ask me if, "I ever tried to help my mom out of her domestic violent marriages." Like I put her there?

My mouth is loud like my mothers, and I've spoken my distaste to my her about the failed relationships, including the ones with her family, children and grandchildren. But my mother? Takes life verbally, emotional, physical and sexual BEATINGS... like the masochist she raised me to be. I think she likes it to be honest. Being treated like that creates such a codependency with your abusers. It's concerning. Breaking away is life saving for many people. And that is what I did. Break free from those who held me captive.

MY MOTHER ABUSED AND NEGLECTED ME. And its perfectly healthy and full of goodness I choose a life without her now. I wont apologize for that. My real support system pats me on the back, and encourages me to keep healing. Not turn around and give my abuser yet another chance you fuck me up.

It's all my mother has ever known. She, like millions of others will likely die in her vicious cycle of abuse. Never escaping or living a real life outside of the men who use and abuse her. Its sad, but I can't force another grown woman to seek therapy, treatment and get away from them men who use her. I can't do any of that. And I certainly am unfit to carry any more generational burdens. Including fixing my moms fucked up life. She gave me a whole lifes worth of weekly therapy topics to cover. I absolutely do not have space or time for her in my life.

My last concern with Dillon's family? My mental illness. His mother compared her underage teenage drinking and driving bad decisions to my sober suicide attempt at age 25 where I drove my car into a tree trying to kill myself. All because I mentioned that "drinking and driving put other innocent people in danger. And is selfish." She quickly replied "I could say the same thing about your suicide attempt."

Apparently my suicide attempt(s) could have killed/hurt other people too. Not just physically but emotionally. And I am responsible for the pain my loved ones feel when I do end my life. Lol So what about all the pain you left your family because you stayed alive Rhonda? Ever consider what pain I'm causing my loved ones just by breathing? Probably lots more than if I was dead and gone, I assure you on this one.

Lady is barking up the wrong tree. It a pre-requisite to being in my life that you not only comprehend, but accept I will kill myself one day. It will happen. I deserve that choice too, everyone does. (freedom from this life's burdens) If you can not accept that, than you simply are not apart of my life. This is a HUGE milesone to cross though and it certainly isn't for everyone. In fact, its not for most people. And that's the best part! My core values are allowing me my choice, to *my* life. Dead or alive. With or without you.

Do not belittle my suicide to immature teenage wild parties you regret. I was sane, in control and knew exactly what I was doing. Sadly, I failed but I do not regret trying to kill myself.. .Better luck next time. Here's to hopping it's sooner than later! :)

The last thing echoing in my mind now is Rhonda's voice;

"Who are you to say what you deserve in life?"

Well, my name is Kirsten Danielle, and I say 1) who I spend time with and 2) who I love.

I manifest truth, love, light, healing and prioritize peace into my life.

I deserve better because I say I do.

I'm working toward wholeness and healing.

And this was an important stepping stone to reminding me who I am.

I will get what I deserve whether you witness it or not.

The restaurant was like a 1 star for me. And I'm not going back. Do not recommend. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. "One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive."