Egg shells

There has been some hurtful rhetoric that has bounced around my head and life with chronic suicidality...

Family members have said things like "You always threaten suicide on anyone who doesn't agree with you. Everyone always feels like they have to walk on egg shells around you."

While there may be some truths there about walking carefully, one thing that is false is "threaten suicide". I do not threaten killing myself. I WISH FOR IT WITH ALL MY HEART. Every damn day.

I believe that's what scares you. My defense system does go to "If you can't love me for who I am let me remind you how bad I'm hurting in my life I don't wish to live anyways." If you don't find any day with me a blessing, I'm not the person you need in you life anyways. Manipulating he mentally ill is interesting, but you you have to get them to care first. And I don't.

How important is this conversation when the person you are talking to doesn't even want to live. It calls for intimidate understanding on what is going on, right now. This second. Is every decision life or death? Logically, no. Whether I brush my teeth today and when will not keep me alive or end my life. But whether I pull "the suicide card" to show you how little I care for #1 My self, #2 You, and #3 anything we were previously talking about, was the point. Call it a cry for help.

I started watching the hand maidens tale. It's a fiction adult entertainment for mature audiences about a misogynist occult that took over the government "to save humanity" with "godly principles".. By taking fertile women, beating them into submission, shocking them with cattle rods and brainwashing them to be raped and produce like cattle to the elite "Commanders" since the world is becoming... devoid of life.

The story line is fucked up, but a "what if" in a world of possibilities. As if we haven't seen horrors like this happen before with human nature via history. War after war, The Holocaust, Invading of countries. Humans aren't good, they never have been, and they never will.

And all I'm thinking while watching that shit is a need for revolution of all these handmaids to kill themselves, same day. The only fertile ones alive. And end the human race. End the madness. The end. Poof. This is a viable solution that makes so much more sense to me. You fought back in the most passive aggressive way there is. Some Thanos shit right there... but he was wrong, killing half the people wasn't enough. it needed to be 100%

I'm not inclined to believe I am any better than the billions of shitty humans before me. Life is hard. Do you know what is harder? Overcoming the will, the instinct to live that is sewn into every living being. *barf* Every species. Hating this life is one thing. Taking action is another. There are certainly people doing things and making differences. There are people that are capable of taking their lives. There are people capable of taking others. Or commissioning others to do it for them. But these aren't in the majority. I do not believe that every single person is as important as the next. That we all have the same and equal value. I believe we should* but we don't.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation last night and said something about "do you know when you were a kid and were so angry at someone that you just wanted to kill someone to get them out of your life?"

Ummmmmm no? My entire life I have glorified suicide. Killing someone else would never end my problem. Because my life is..... MY PROBLEM. Hurting others would never make me feel "good". It does the opposite actually. It makes me feel bad and encourages me to kill myself. I'll say things to get a rise out of people, to spark the anger needed to take my own life. I often go looking for it. So no, punching someone in the face is not something I understand. Death is. All or nothing.

Because I WANT to kill myself. I really, honestly, truly, do.

I don't know what is preventing me from doing it successfully all these years. But that part of me needs to go if I am ever going to give myself lasting and forever peace.

Soooooooo If you made it this far without completely freaking out, or calling the poilce or googling the stupid suicide hotline to post in the comments, Bravo. You're probably one of my closest friends and have heard this over and over from me. It may not even scare you anymore. It probably feels normal. Or even boring. I know it's really only bothersome for me to continually repeat myself... or as others put it "cry wolf" At this point when I die, no one will ever question how. Of course it would be a suicide. OF COURSE! And I will be free from this endless torture of thoughts.

If for some reason you aren't a close friend, but have made it this far... wow. That's cool. If any of this sounds familiar for yourself, or of someone you know..... man I'd like to meet you/them. Because there are so very few of people like us. And even fewer who talk about it openly. And I feel alone most of my life.

I'm not able to talk about these things with ease and keep a group of friends/support. Because these topics are morbid and carry huge emotional burdens and obligations in a world where I am told that these thoughts/feelings are:

• Of the devil

• Not Real.

• Not normal. Weird. Psychotic.

• Have you seen a Doctor? You need checked out. (dozens and dozens of them actually. I have a list of names and number if you want.)

• That my brain is making these lies up (errr no shit? How do you think the chemical "happiness", aka serotonin, is made? Hint: made in your brain)

• They will pass, just endure. (15 years and counting!)

• I'm too negative to get better. ( I mean, totally!)

• I'm weak and too sensitive. ( Oh do tell me more, I didn't realize this about myself)

• "This is not how I raised you." (I'm not even sure what this means....)

• If you kill yourself you hurt those who love you. *biggest eye roll of my life*

Ultimately my life is my problem. And if I'm dead, there is no life. And there is no problem. You may not agree to that equation, but I assure you it is very real. The problems of MY life end for me when MY life does. You just don't like to hear it.

Truth hurts. Stop being so negative, it will pass, just endure. :)

Xoxo,

Kirsten