Holiday Nonsense

Tis the season! The season of chaos, loud music, laughter, hustle, tinsel, the same 10 Holiday songs played on the radio, forced family get togethers and traumatic memories. Cheers!

If you have followed me to this point and not clicked out, congrats!

Most of you know I am an agnostic-atheist, so it comes to no surprise that Jesus is not the reason of the season for me. It's proven that his birthday celebration is not actually during this time of year at all. He also had nothing to do with pine trees, flashy lights or a jolly obese old man who has elves who build toys and comes around once a year to eat your cookies who says "ho ho ho". Those things *can* be fun, because playing in pretend can be fun. Imagination is great for children. But that is what all of it is: pretend. It's also pagan. *gasps*

It's SUPER controversial. But just like Jesus, Santa isn't real. Santa is a hard memory. When my mother finally told me at nine years old, it felt like everything was a lie, especially after so many questions and being drilled that he was real. Over and over... Despite actually asking if he was real, every year. It was also the year my parents divorced and a source of much of my adult trauma from the church members taking sides, and treating my family and I poorly. Holidays are a sore spot that is finally healing. I've figured out the equation. The less family the better! In this case there is strength in isolation. I hope that my own family I am building outside of blood relatives will one day replace that chaos and grief with comfort, smiles and a real season to be proud of.

That being said, if you use a fairy tale to tell your kids "Remember Jesus, it's all about him, listen to your parents," doesn't it feel manipulative once they know the truth? I was nine and I hated my parents for it. My memory is especially sharp of my childhood, and my many therapists don't have a reason why for me. And that hate never went away. They didn't love me enough to tell me the truth. They didn't think I was smart enough to handle it. They used my naive gullibility as a ploy for obedience. And I wasn't even that good of a kid. I always got gifts regardless of my behavior. (under nine) So it only reinforced poor habits and more guilt. I stand here as an adult as a witness to this. I didn't feel I ever deserved my gifts.

My mother sat me down one day after school at the kitchen island. I was sitting on a stool, watching my brother play outside on his bike. She called me in to have a chat; I thought I was in trouble. The kitchen was this ugly blue. It had a lot of cabinet space, and all of them were blue,too. She was on the other side of the island doing something on the stove, probably cooking dinner. I remember her stirring something. She didn't make eye contact me with me as she told me, "Remember those kids at school that told you Santa isn't real?" I said with a knot in my throat, "Yes?" She continued "They are right, Santa is pretend, your father and I are the ones who buy all the gifts. That's why they have bar codes on the boxes, etc." Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked out the window at my brother. I didn't know what to say. My mother followed my gaze and saw that he was putting his bike kick stand down and soon was walking in. She said "Quinn doesn't know that Santa isn't real, it has to be kept a secret so he can enjoy Christmas. Stop crying, I don't want him to see you and ask questions." She asked me to leave the kitchen because I couldn't stop crying as he walked in. I had so many more questions to ask with no time. That day my heart hurt. I remember when I saw my sister next asking if she knew. She did. We agreed it sucked, but didn't have anything else to say about it.

Don't be this parent

Seeing other people post about Santa writing them letters is so....UGH. Those poor kids. I hope they don't have my amazing memory that reminds them of their childhood pain.

It's a few days after Christmas, so what does this have to do with anything?

How you choose to breath life into others is important. We all make mistakes. Especially as parents. We sometimes think we are doing what is right and come to find that we were doing it all wrong. I'm not saying take away imagination or magic and play pretend. I'm saying teach it for what it is. There are children out there that don't get anything for Christmas, or holidays. There are children out there that this seemingly simple act of lying to them won't affect them much. And then sometimes it can affect them. Often in ways you didn't realize. I'm sure my parents are social justice warriors talking about how their kids "turned out fine" with their parenting skills. And I am here to tell you all 3 of my parents children DID NOT TURN OUT FINE.

My dad makes comments all the time he has no idea which child is going to help him out when he gets older. It's likely none of us, to be honest. It's not about being rude, we honestly aren't doing so great as we are pushing into our late 20's. At least I'm not. I'm on disability. This is something that brings me embarrassment and struggle, every day. My sister has three children, and one of them special needs that takes a lot of time and care to dedicate to. And my brother has pretty much let his family go, and I don't blame him one bit. While I'm not fond of him, his family or his life choices, I'm glad he got out. Maybe he will get therapy and healing one day and stop being a total asshole. One can hope.

Was the belief of Santa the result of us three growing apart? Nope. But it was just another unhealthy tradition my family brought into our lives. And one I will not be passing on. Most of you know I do not have any intentions of having children anymore. And that gives me great power over my body to not have children. I don't think this blog is going to change any parents minds out there, as no parent changed my mind. It was only my own horrible experiences that changed my direction in life. And that is true to most people's passion to forgo change.

I'm just tired of negative things being my passion to change. I wish I had more positive, real and tangible things in sight to want to change and grow. First Santa and now god? Man.... what is life?

Happy New Year! lol

-From an Atheist

Special Thanks to my editor: MC_hammer