I'm Not A Sociopath
- ForgetMeNaught
- Nov 28, 2020
- 6 min read
When I was growing up my sister (and other family members) would call me a sociopath and a pyschopath. And depending on the day of the event they, would use these terms interchangeably. Of course I realize the intellect of my family members is lacking, but as a young teen, these things were really hurtful.

When you are raised in a cult, though one will never admit until it leaving said cult, guilt is one of the most powerful indoctrinating concepts that can be taught. It sparks a wave in each obedient and willing person. The beginning to being a better person, starts with the guilt in knowing what you did wrong and what you can do better! We even had regular Sunday-school lessons on how "guilt could be the most powerful tool to salvation." *insert vomiting*
I told someone recently about the story of me being guilted to drop out or be kicked out of BYU Idaho, aka the mormon church university. When asked why I dropped out I told them it was because I had sex before marriage. The other person assumed that someone snitched, little did they know I went personally do my Bishop and told him as soon as it happened. Honestly I thought it was the right thing to do.
There are certainly people who are a sociopaths who were raised in a cult, and perhaps some who never make it out- but these terms for people can't be undone, or unlearned. No amount of cognitive behavioral therapy or psychiatric medicine will release them from their behaviors, it is who there are. And they don't experience guilt.
So when my sister said I was evil for; wanting to kill myself to inflict pain on my family, laughing when I made my mother intentionally cry on her birthday and thus made it my goal every year to do so, or any of the other spiteful things that I wanted to act out, it was actually a fairly normal response for someone experiencing a traumatic life was reacting to. But instead she called me a pyscho. Little did she understand the depth of my mental illnesses and the actual reasons why people really want, and sometimes successfully kill themselves.
I found this article called He Married a Sociopath: Me The inspiration I used when writing this blog after I found it one morning during a Facebook scroll.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that I still don't try and prove myself against every accusation of my toxic family. So when I read how the husband in this story wanted to know why his wife "...never care[d] what anyone thought?" Or why she was " never limited by guilt?" I chuckled. I smiled with a deep grin confirming my inner broken child that "you aren't like her, and you never were. Your family use hurtful words and behaviors to continue to hurt you into thinking that you were the monster."
And I decided to write this blog. The paragraph after continued to soothe my curiosity. "For a long time, he was angry. But eventually he began to understand it wasn’t my fault that I was born with a reduced capacity for remorse. And it wasn’t his fault his mother was so negatively attached." I feel as if Sean went through an anger phase about about some of the reasons I am nihilistic and struggle with suicidality. He know it's not my fault that I have so many traumatic experiences and recognizes that I am actively choosing to improve myself as a person away from my vile upbringing. Like the author who continued er education and got therapy. . . But psychopaths aren't created with trauma. They are born that way.
Reading this woman's blog was one of many strange ways I studied up on everything that my "family" thought of me. I recognize they are no longer in my life. I know they will likely never return, especially since I have found that amazing people already exist outside of them. Something that was ingrained in me that suposively, "didn't" exist out side of blood relative. "Us" vs "Them" mentality. But the damage they have done can and still does hurt me. I hope to decrease this further with spending as much time with the truly amazing people WHO CARE ABOUT ME!
I was taught this mindfulness technique below in therapy once about grief and sadness regarding my PTSD/ leaving the mormon cult.



Some days that ball hits the lottery with myemotions, and somtimes I can go days/weeks/months/years with feeling the pain of one particular incident. Now imagine instead of one button there are dozens, or that all four walls are tender and attached to each other.... Yey PTSD.
Reading this blog is from an insight that we usually don't see. Most people see it from the other side, albeit, often the victims side of the "terrors of a sociopath". There is an entire glorified genre of media influence that was made big with the leading characters being one a sociopaths. Many people who are a psychopath/sociopath don't admit it and keep it secret. There is power and authority to be yielded by keeping it to oneself. However this woman was a mother, capable of understanding the logic of empathy even if she couldn't feel it like her husband. And surprisingly, I related to both parties.
I say surprisingly, because I'm not a sociopath (or a psychopath), I know this. I haven't spent 15 years in therapy, crying, mourning, working on myself, escaping a death grip of a cult, and feeling guilty for something as simple as teenage masturbation to be compared to... this woman? Lol She's actually pretty bad ass! So compare away, however its the other stigma as criminals/liars/cheaters/killers that I'm not fond of. She used her diagnosis to become a Doctor to understand herself and help others. The author seemed pretty cool. Just like she helped her husband out of the guilt and shame cycle of his religious upbringing, I bet she would make a great friend in helping me stop caring what others think so much. Spicifically the people who raised me. She would be a logical-reasoning person to ground me when my mental illness tells me what terrible filth I am. Which is essentially the purpose of this blog. To give my inner child what she needs and lay these hateful words and memories to rest. After all I've never had a professional care provider ever suspect these character flaws about me, and I've have plenty of forward therapists and Doctors that would have freely told me, if i was.
It seems I care TOO MUCH to be one.
People can think, say and act out any of the things on the above two lists and not be a sociopath/ psychopath. That's that thing with diagnosis's, almost everyone has experienced these symptoms or behaviors that are on those lists at some point in their lives. It's the frequency in which those "symptoms" are present and how they impact your life and relationships.
Example] Do you really have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) just because you are overly cleanly and spend focused amounts of time repeating certain activities? Not exactly, especially if you are functioning, aka coping, in life without needing any other assistance.
That being said there is always that hunch of being so sure that you aren't quite sure. Especially with childhood trauma? "Maybe I'm a good psychopath, like her?" I thought to myself as I read the below paragraph.
"My husband was never thrilled to hear that I had spent the day in a stranger’s house without that person’s knowledge or committed other misdeeds. But his real anger was reserved for the fact that I never felt guilty about these things."
I've come home and Sean complimenting a lip stick I was wearing when I told him "thanks I stole it last year". LOL It still makes me chuckle remembering that disturbed look he gave me. Confused after telling me I was pretty but that it was because of a crime. There are all sorts of reasons why someone steals things, and sometimes it's just to see if you could. And that is what this example was, my first time stealing was that lip stick. And it was nerve wracking, I felt like I was going to vomit and as if everyone was looking at me. I thought about bringing up my four other minor stealing binges with my therapists, it just never made it into conversation. They were all small priced items, like that $4 lipstick in the past two years. But that in-bedded guilt and rush of adrenaline that author talks about hasn't gone away for me even the other times I did it.
I was curious how much "good" and "bad" and "right and wrong" has been drilled into me. I had been obedient my entire life. I didn't drink before 21. I had never been drunk. I didn't try illegal drugs. I didn't so much as have a speeding ticket on record. What was one tiny lip stick and a pair of socks? Alas, these things don't make me a psychopath in the making or in hiding.
My new therapist challenged me this week to blog, actually publish my back logged blogs sitting in my draft folder, and do some self care and yoga! She also wants to red my blog, so I'll be passing along the link after I push the "publish button". So that is what I am doing. Here's to self care and reaching goals!
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