I Wish I Could Fly Away

Life has gotten me down more so than usual. For those who follow me, you know life isn't all that grand through my eyes to begin with.

Maybe it is because everything is closed and the once simple pleasures of leaving the house aren't really an option anymore. Maybe it is because my therapists office didn't deem itself "essential" and I haven't have regular therapy in months. Maybe it is because I'm still not giving my body what it needs; fresh air, enough water, healthy food and exercise, despite the warmer spring change of season that usually brings hope and motivation to my seasonal depression. Or that I randomly got a yeast infection despite only had sex four times in the past month, which is a record low for the past 9 months. Maybe it's because during this quarantine I just had the first anniversary of my rape last year. Or that my sleep schedule is completely throw off. Or writers blog, or that I am just writing a list of all the over whelming things in my life right now just to vent and bitch because I don't have my usual therapist to dump on. Yeah, probably that last one,

All I do know is that even more days than usual right now are just plan bad. Daily thoughts (and, yes, plans) of suicide. Forcing myself sleep with copious amounts of benadryl as to not self harm. Binge eating. Vivid intense dreams/nightmares. Oh, and allergy season!

So with that here is a list of positive things I have done during the daily bad days.

1. I paid for a service called "Better Help" which is an online service for therapy sessions. (phone calls, texting, video chats) It turned out to be a flop, but I tried. At least they gave me a full refund! I do not recommend their services.

Who doesn't know what a "dump session" is? I think there was a clear barrier here. See didn't sound like a Doctor to me. How did she get so many good reviews?

2. Yoga, I've been doing more of that. I like it. I need to be consistent.

3. Grew my left hand out nails out so I can scratch my boyfriends back. He likes the goosebumps it gives him. But I hate both hands having long nails. I'm right hand dominant. drives me crazy.

4. I downloaded a Spanish app and have consecutively logged on and worked on refreshing my Spanish skills for 11 days!

5. I have been cleaning my house for regularly and keeping up on laundry.

6. My cat is really happy that I am home more often! (even though she bugs the fuck outta me)

7. I dug through my closet full of old hair dye and helped lighten my roots and colored my hair a pretty lilac to tone it. Unfortunately my roots have grown back out, purple faded and I am left with candy corn hair. My amazon blue hair dye can't come soon enough!

HALP!

8. With returned money from previously planned, but now canceled, summer events I purchased new clothing. 5 tops, 3 dresses, 2 pairs of shoes and 1 pair of shorts for $235 from Torrid! They were having a really awesome sale, and I now have $125 more "torrid cash" cash to spend next month! With what fits, I'll be sure to show them off here.

9. I made a few beauty videos for my customers and I have gratefully been selling some product for a little extra income.

Looking like Coralines "other mother" while editing the video.

10. I saved some bird eggs while I mowed the lawn. The nest got knocked off their spot under the deck. They are super pretty!

I think that is about it as far as things I feel proud of for the past month. I hope you guys are staying afloat and doing good things. I feel like in the course of 30 days I should definitely have more positive to report back on. I mean there was one more thing, but that is for another future blog. Until then. Ciao.