Jealousy

Jealousy is a common human emotion that most people experience. This emotion should not be confused with trauma based needs for attention, fear of abandonment, the desire to improve, or deep rooted anger/embarrassment.

This emotion is typically fueled by other emotions. No one WANTS to envy other persons belongings, talents or personalities. It doesn't feel good to call ourselves inadequate. But it is nice to imagine ourselves in better places- emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, romantically.

Another point I'd like to make is: it's not a compliment to proclaim that you are "just a jealous person". Awareness is not justification for poor behavior. In my experience jealousy comes from low self esteem, poor communication & sometimes lacking confidence and motivation to improve. We then long for things we don't have. Instead of focusing on things that we can have.

You don't have 6 pack abs; but you can have a membership to a gym.

We think we are jealous of someone else's marriage. When you may find that you don't specifically want that persons spouse or life, but want someone to share a love life with for yourself. Because you want to be loved. These emotions are okay to feel and even instinctual, for survival. Wanting a sense of belonging and to be loved are good things. Jealousy can signal us to know when our brains and body need more attention or love, or clarification on how often we receive it. What we do with these emotions are equally important.

A common phrase I hear are people say is; ''He/She/They made me feel jealous...''

FALSE- Since jealousy is an emotion, and emotions are created inside of your own body, your response to someone else's actions are sometimes known as feelings. You body made yourself feel a certain way. Through past life experiences. Most of the time we can't control our emotions but we do have control what we do with them. And through healthy coping skills we can rewire our brains and bodies to not have the same- sometimes irrational- responses as before. You may find you have learned incorrect ways to cope with feelings of jealousy - when you could be training yourself a healthier way to feel and express emotions. So, while someone can't make you feel jealous, someone can give you a black eye and make you feel pain.

Things you *don't* do: 

1) Lash out at those around you for experiencing good things in life. (A raise, education, nice home environment, outward beauty, relationship status, etc.)

2) Keep emotions inside and do not share how you feel with people.

3) Being passive aggressive in hopes those around you can read your mind.

4) Try to control other people because you can't control your emotions.

5) Attempt to reciprocate poor actions, to make others feel how you are feeling.

*Instead- give praise to those who you admire, express fondness. Appreciation and gratitude can put jealousy in a healthier place. Perhaps if some emotions are so deep rooted, you may need the help of a counselor to work on communication skills to mend relationships and work through hard feelings.

The last example of jealousy I see is possession. This can be applied to multiple scenarios, however I want to specifically focus on relationships. As we discussed earlier- jealousy is an emotions that many people experience but that it is your individual feeling. If you had a significant other that seemed especially friendly, perhaps even flirting with someone else and you think the emotion(s) you are experiencing because of someone else's actions is jealously- take a step towards mindfulness.

What are you envying of this other person? Are you jealous that your partner is giving someone else attention? Compliments? Their Time? We do not own other people or their actions. We are not the only receiver of all things good things from those people. Ownership isn't the point of relationships. We are not allowed to tell people what they can and can't do. But you definitively should have healthy boundaries in relationships. Notably, but not as commonly, discussed before you enter said relationship. (It helps take the guess work out) This may even be the perfect time to create new boundaries. Did your significant other cross any boundaries? Yes? Then you need to tell them how you feel, calmly, respectfully, and as soon as possible. If you have control of your emotions, I'd suggest doing it immediately.

i.e. ''When you said you liked her shirt, I was concerned you were complimenting her body underneath her shirt, Is that what you meant?"

There can be some grey area's of healthy relationships/boundaries when you yourself practice unhealthy coping skills. For example, if you get upset over your significant other being a friendly happy person towards other people, you then most likely need to work on self love and self confidence- because everyone should be happy and friendly to each other. Your significant other should experience life around you joyfully. And you should be encouraging it!

Do you have things to work on? I know I do! Take a moment to ponder this. Change can be uncomfortable, especially when you realize might be your own problem. Good news is you can improve! Yey for malleable human brains!