Perfect Illusion

4:01pm

I have lots of words. But it isn't everyday that I have or say the right ones, at the right time. No matter how hard I practice. And this starts a free-write today to just get a bunch of words out. Trust me, this won't be a master piece, I may not even publish it.

I got a foam mattress topper for my futon bed. Its so nice, I love it! I'm convinced my depression bought it for me, so I'd be even more cozy to stay in bed!)

I also got new bra's from a brand called pepper! For the IBTC (itty bitty titty comity) They don't seem to carry a size 40AA, so instead I got a 40A. It seems to fit pretty good. No gapping, but there is some space in the bra that isn't filled with my breasts. But the best bra I have ever tried on, no doubt! Highly recommend. And that is coming from a women who has gone braless for the past 4 years now. I don't think I will ever return to wearing them full time again, but with some outfits, now that my nipples are pierced, I think this is a good idea. Especially since I have had some painful accidents ripping my piercings out with some knitted clothing.

The last blog I wrote was written out of anger, if you couldn't tell. Anger is an important emotion. It lets to know when you feel your standards were compromised and when to take action for when things are potentially "wrong". When someone says something mean to you, or treats you poorly? You can get angry because you believe you deserve to be treated better. Yeah? Or at least that is how I see anger anyways. It can be a useful emotion it we allow it to. Anyways, that last blog lead me to read some of my adult journal entries back when I was Mormon, when I was dating my ex. I wrote about the good things. I never wrote about things that were racey or troublesome. If I did mention any hardships it was masked with happy things/ good news. And that was what I did to deflect from living authentically me.

I learned a lot re-reading my old entries. More so about who I once was and who I am no longer. I marvel at the progress I have made as an individual. My journal entries seem happier than who I am now. SEEM. I know I wasn't happier than, though. I remember the things I left out from my entities. What I haven't done is written any real journal entries like that in quiet some time. I time and date the beginning and end of my entries and I usually write about the things that I did in the day/ week since the last time that I wrote. So imagine me being overwhelmed when I leave out several days/weeks/months and now YEARS since my last entry like that. So we start a new.

I'm Kirsten, I'm 28, I weigh 219lbs. I take singular, dulera, and abuterol for my asthma maintenance. I am most unemployed. I say mostly because I do not work a schedule or have a steady flow of income outside of my disability income. I babysit, sell Mary Kay Cosmetics and do online sex work. Though to be honest the most steady income out of the 3 for me has always been my babysitting. I love working with children.

I have two roommates, Andrew and Sashianna. I wish I had zero roommates.

(4:25pm) The UPS man knocked on the door delivering a package to Andrew. Which prompted me to check the mail. And I got a letter in the mail addressed to my ex from one of his long standing internet friends. I will be writing her back and letting her know he isn't a safe or good human being. Everyone deserves to know who he really is. Everyone.

My daily life is pretty dang slow. My depression has me rarely leaving the house and when I do it is for things like getting the mail, grocery shopping/ laundry and my weekly therapy. Otherwise I don't go or do much these days. I keep to myself. I'd be lying if I didn't say I miss human interaction. But almost everyone I know if also going through so much shit. Life is just so fucking hard for everyone these days and everyone keeps to themselves. I try and make plans with friends but have always ended up cancling and crying in bed. I'm at a pretty low part of my life right now, I'm just desperate to feel good, stable or content.

I'm not dating anymore, nor are there any perspectives. Online dating is a fucking joke these days anyways. So many hurt and broken people out there looking to not be lonely. Many know that they can not commit to a relationship. Actually most probably know they can't and so most are there for "casual sex/encounters". Which is not what I am looking for these days. Sex is hit or miss for me lately and so its not really anything I am looking for. It's nice if it happen with someone I can trust, otherwise, I'm fine on my own!

Sashinanna brought fleas into the house that have been eating me to hell and back. I have 23 bites just the past few days. We bomb it recently, but we are likely going to have to bomb it again here soon. I spent all day with at my dads house washing everything to get the damn fleas and their eggs from the carpet/rugs/clothing/ bed sheets/comforter/throw-blankets. 7 loads of laundry. UGH.

Anyways, my dad just called and is coming over to fix the fan in the bathroom! yippie! And than he is taking me out to eat. So I'll wrap up this blog now and call it a day. 5:03pm