Personal Health Day

I've been in a fog. I went from laying in bed for what seemed like months to getting up the past two- weeks and going-going-going. I'm over whelmed with life in its simplest form. Body achy. I wish I could get to a point where I actually "enjoy" life, but I do feel several decades away from that goal. Which in its self is gross to think about, because I was really hoping not to live for several more decades!

None the less my memory has all but left me. Life, in a physical sense is in chaos. My things are moved all over the place. (three- different buildings. Old apartment, storage unit, new apartment) I have to-do lists running out of my ears, that which includes bringing all those items to one organized space. Each day that Sean is off work and can help tackle things together he too is exhausted and busy. He deserves rest too. I know he isn't doing well. He got back to work from foot surgery and up and we moved into our apartment a week later. He hasn't had a break.

Just once I wish, as the independent person I am, someone would scoop me up and wave a magic wand and get it done for me. Find my lost mail that had my new medicare card and voting form in it! Unpack all these boxes and hang the curtains, mirrors and decorations. Sort my laundry and walk it down to the laundry hall and do it for me! Open my fridge and there be groceries already there. Go to the post office and cancel my P.O. Box and put in a change of address!

I found this art I really like. If someone knows the artist, let me know and I will tag them!

I'm tired. This is the story of most people. But these things bring me to my knee's in tears. These things, simple things, make me want to kill myself because life is overwhelming. "Simple things" I hear in my voices mind spoken in my mothers and father voice, "why can't you do these simple things" grounding me from "laziness" aka my symptoms of my mental illness. And I'd cry some more, not from the grounding, but because I was failure. A disappointment. I truly still question if life is worth living if the simplest things can over take me so much.

To cope: I take naps, and long baths, journal, blog, organize, face mask and thrust myself into self care. I watch educational Youtube video's. I search new music and find things that allow the emotions trapped inside to come out. Usually the emotions back logged are stress, anger and sadness.

I'm thinking I need a bigger better social community. I lost two good friends during quarantine due to their disrespect towards my mental illness and calling the police on me, but I have been trying to make new friends and go and do fun things lately! The collective is suffering with this pandemic, emotionally, financially, physically. And that is important to realize. As an empathe I've been aware of how difficult life has been. My dad worries about his 401K being zapped from existence and I worried about Sean loosing his job, and me finding a proper therapist and mental health doctor as everything is done online- if they are even taking new patients. There is no moving forward right now, I'm just on a treadmill, doing the work and not going anywhere with it. My current therapist even agree's he doesn't think he is the best fit for me and what I am looking for (EMDR- therapy). He doesn't offer the type of therapy I seek yet, but wasn't to start classes and training to broaden his skills! But there is no point in changing therapists at this time, because EMDR therapy is done in-person, and no offices are doing that right now.

Today I put together my IKEA lamp. I need light bulbs though. I watched another video and when it finished I got up and sorted dirty laundry. I watched another video and sorted one of Sean's boxes in his hobby room. I watched another video and I called Bed Bath and Beyond to ask about our vaccum that still hasn't came and no info of my order ever coming to my email. Apparently it hasn't even processed. Their systems have been struggling? She is looking into it.

My little yoga corner!

I watched another video and broke up a cat hissing/growling fight as our two kitties are trying to learn to get along and share a new place together. Dusk has finally came out of her room and her personality is returning. She isn't as scared. I'm happy to see and hear her playing. Maybe one day the cats will be friends. I watched another video and I received my 3rd phone call about my PCP appointment check up for tomorrow. Why do I need 3 phone calls to prep me for each of my appointments? Seriously. And instead of bitching about it any longer, I blocked the number in my phone just now! It won't happen again, they can leave messages I'll check later.

My car insurance dropped $10/month though! Wooo! I have one step above liability, so not that impressive but it is finally below $50!

I also found this really informational video about Borderline Personality disorder! Which is one of the few mental disorders I have! It was as calming as it was ascetically pleasing to me. Enjoy!

I think for my stress and anxiety levels lately, it is best to start each day *without* a specific goal or task, and just see how much or what I can get done! I'm an anxious, mindful, busy person naturally. And if I can wind down and relax a bit, I know that I will get things done. It's just when everything is so hard to do all at once I shut down and nothing gets done and I cry, shake, my chest gets tight and I pop a benadryl to try and sleep it off!

The first few days we moved into our apartment, I really liked the schedule of cooking dinner and being able to help Sean unwind, have a hot meal, and relax watching our TV in the living room! (not the bed room as it has been for years for him!) Unfortunately I promised a lot of other people my time and it over lapped the relaxing evening I wanted to have with him. I'm really bad at saying "no" sometimes and put too much on my shelf.

I hung signs for the Out of The Darkness- Walk to Prevent Suicide all over town one night directly after dinner, than stood in line for a treat at Krumpie's for 30 mins, and ended up back at home roughly 3 hours later. This was a good evening, catching up with a friend- but an extra event that had slipped my brain fogged brain, until last minute!

On several nights I've been helping out a friend going through some difficult stuff with her ex and landlord. Her and I have known each other for over a year now. We met when her ex used me to cheat on her. I reached out to tell her how big of a dick he was- and that she should leave him, and they have been back and forth ever since. *face palm* Just another pattern of abuse. When will enough be enough? And I felt the need/will to help and comforter her the best I can this go around- hoping she changes her ways or opens her eyes. It is however emotionally taxing on me right now- the empathe who cries daily of her own accord and short comings- to reassure a 19 year old of her self worth constantly. I see a lot of myself in her, even if we have very different struggles.

I've felt Sean's sadness and frustration over and over again about not having a couch in our apartment. It seems like an easy thing to fix, but getting something comfy and affordable up here has been a nightmare. One that keeps replaying. I do wish the 4 hours we spent shopping for a couch, renting a Uhaul, and asking a friend to come over to help move it worked in our favor, but it didn't. So we have had to spend several more days looking for things that would fit. Measuring, remeasuring, having his mother help with her van to move it and now we have a decent, comfortable chase lounge chair up for him. We still want a love seat but it shouldn't be this difficult.

I also have been called to babysit randomly with unexpected end times. (this is typical) These part time gigs and families typically need me for "date-nights". These families pay me well, have built long standing relationships (3-4+ years) and are good to me. So I'm not bitching at the fact I never know when they come home; even if a 4 hour night turned into 8hrs and they didn't get home until 3am. I just notice this is yet another thing that I'm use to doing without breaking a sweat and it has been draining me. I'm noticing the normal things have become hard again, and I need a step back to focus on me.

My hair is fading. I am going purple next though, need some change!

I figured out how doing laundry in this new apartment complex works. It's best to go to the main location that has several more washers and driers in their office unit. Ours about 2 miles away has a big wash room but only 2 washers and 2 dryers. Which for this week of piled up laundry, wasn't enough. Also, quarters... Lots of quarters. Washers are expensive! ugh!

Sean's pay check came a day later than it usually does and set our schedule for grocery shopping back. I love the help going grocery shopping mainly bringing it in and putting it away, even if he hates it, wonders off, and isn't much help in-store. lol

He left me with his debit card and I planned the next week or so of meals! He's concerned about me spending $98 at once (as if this is new).... I hope he gets over that soon.

3meals day + 7 Days a week = 21 meals X 2(people) = 42 meals.

$98 / 42 meals = Roughly **$2.33/meal** ------ this is decent!

(also consider I bought house things like soap, with this purchase too!)

This is simple to me. I know it isn't for him. He'd rather spend $50 on pizza rolls and frozen dinners. But I made cilantro-lime baked chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and green beans last night. Perspective! But he accepts many of my endless flaws. So I guess I can over look him nagging at a $100/week normal grocery bill for two.

It's more affordable than the $22 we spent between Popeyes(him) and Panera(me).

Or the $14 we spent at Mcdonalds.

Or his weekly $9 treat at Starbucks drive-by on the way home.

The only thing we are "paying" for in fast-food is the saved time in the kitchen and clean up. (also, I've never made fried chicken soooo) But I have volunteered to put in most of that time to save us!

I digress, I'm doing alright.... I just needed a break. Until next time!

Xoxo,

Me