Pill Poppin'

Got a headache? There's a pill for that.

Struggling with asthma? There is a pill for that!

Want to prevent pregnancy? Also a pill for that.

Hang over? Allergies? Can't keep your erection? Yup, there's a pill for that.

We live in a world where there are remedies for so many of our daily concerns. Almost a one size fits all. We have this scenario for the mental health part of the world too, but not the same great successes we have with other parts of our nervous system. The brain is still a fucking mystery. We could throw Prozac on everything and make everyone numb. It is one of the most well known psychiatric drugs on the market. But does being numb really take the depression away?

I know that people question my intelligence. I know that people question my (seemingly) excessive mental health symptoms. And I know that people question the validity of my experiences because I currently choose to be unmedicated against the scientific evidence that says "those who stay on their prescribed psychiatric medicines have lessened symptoms and more stable lives." But this simply isn't the case for me. . . People tell me they've "been there, done that" and that if I just keep trying to find the right concoction, the right therapist, the right job, the right diet, more coping skills, pray enough, turn my life to Jesus, etc., that my life and my mental illnesses would eventually improve or completely disappear. . . To them I laugh. Not because I doubt that people with similar or even the exact circumstances haven't existed before, but because they are completely ignoring that the past 20 years has been a game changer for mental health and new medicine discoveries in general, and I grew up during it. And I'm still not mentally okay. "Don't give up" they say. And I always ask why?

Their life experiences are valid. They found what worked for them and feel the need to share with others their happiness and/or freedom they have achieved and how. My purpose is not to diminish them but to remind them that everybody's life is different. Even if I am extremely jealous that others are receiving the benefits of treatment I've never had and so long for. Those people aren't me. And my experiences are different but equally valid. I don't want to turn away medicine that is suppose to work, just because. I'm scared shitless of the side affects and what it is actually doing to my body. What these medicines have already done to my brain and my body. If a medicine, even one, was helpful, why do you think I'd come off it? The answer that most practitioners get from their patients apparently is "they felt so good they didn't think they needed it anymore. And by the time they are fully off and symptoms return, they didn't realize what went wrong." I have never said nor done that. I have only come off medicine because I hated the way it was making me feel. (Or was occasionally bad/inconsistent at taking them on time). You'll just have to take my word for it, but that excuse doesn't apply to me. If a medicine worked for me, help make me a productive member of society, and find enough happiness, motivation or purpose in my life- why would I stop that?

My racing thoughts come up with all sorts of reasons. People must think I'm stupid, they think my illness makes me irrational, they think I like attention and being at the whim of others to tell me how I can live my life. They think I truly like living unhappily and don't want to get better. I wish I had someone in the mental health field who would listen to me. Just LISTEN. Stop thinking, spitting statistics, and listen.

They. Don't. Work.

*screams inside head* Not for me. Not for this chick. And I don't know why. This is one of the few reasons why my heart so longs for suicide. I'm broken. I'm not normal, your medicine and therapy isn't helping. I still hurt. I still think about killing myself. I still hate life.

The headaches continued well into November 2018, sadly. This was the last time I was consistently on any meds out patient..

Here are *some* of my symptoms of the meds I've tried... Suicide attempts, loss of hair, vomiting, seeing and hearing things, high blood pressure, weight gain, excessive weight loss, intense migraines, rashes, memory loss, anxiety attacks, excessive sleeping, not able to get/stay asleep, night terrors, food tasting bad, making me have my period 2X/month.

Remember theses are side effects of the the medicine, not my original symptoms of mental illness they were attempting to help. Imagine gaining new life difficulties with a medicine that was aiming to ease others. I had a doctor tell me that it might be worth gaining 50lbs if the medicine gave me the consistency to go to the gym, maintain a job and not self harm, and that it was on me for not wanting to give try. I told him to fuck right off. Nothing GOOD ever came from any of the psychiatric drugs but one. Lexapro.

Dear Lexapro,

You introduced me back into the world of pysch meds during a time I had lived three years without. You protected me from my daily unneeded tears and cry spells. You decreased my anxiety, but did nothing for my depression despite being classified an anti-depressant. You gave me regular mania and increased my sex drive. I also had one of my most serious suicide attempts while taking you, as directed, which ended up giving me felony charges that was in my best interest to plead guilty for, and began what now is a two year long downhill self-hate battle. I'm now on disability trying to figure my life out. I do not want this to be a life sentence. As much as you have helped me, doctors don't trust me alone with you. But you only want to be taken alone because mixing you with others after that suicide attempt, sent me back down the rabbit hole of bad side affects. So I had to say goodbye to you, too! As for the rest of the meds I tried. I've got literally nothing positive to say about you. Fuck you: Prozac, Cymbalta, Haldol, Welbutrin, Celexa, Seroquel, Resperidone, Depikote, Effexor, Topamax, Lithium, Lexapro, Naltrexone, Lamictal, Geodone and Abilify. I don't need or want you or your side effects.

Here is a break down of a few categories and the list of all current in use medicines in those categories. I starred the ones I have tried. There are medicines in my list above I have tried with properties to help mental illness symptoms that are not listed below because they are used for things like epilepsy/addiction, like topamx and naltrexone. When you try so many, you sometimes try outside the box and hope for the best!

Anti-Depressants= Anti- Psychotics

*Fluoxetine (Prozac), SSRI Chlorpromazine (Thorazine)

Paroxetine (Paxil, Seroxat), SSRI *Haloperidol (Haldol)

*Citalopram (Celexa), SSRI Perphenazine (Trilafon)

*Escitalopram (Lexapro), SSRI Thioridazine (Melleril)

Sertraline (Zoloft), SSRI Thiothixene (Navane)

Duloxetine (Cymbalta), SNRI Flupenthixol (Fluanxol)

*Venlafaxine (Effexor), SNRI Trifluoperazine (Stelazine)

*Bupropion (Wellbutrin), NDRI[22] *Aripiprazole (Abilify)

Mirtazapine (Remeron), NaSS Clozapine (Clozaril)

AIsocarboxazid (Marplan), MAOI Lurasidone (Latuda)

Phenelzine (Nardil), MAOI Olanzapine (Zyprexa)

Tranylcypromine (Parnate), MAOI Paliperidone (Invega)

Amitriptyline (Elavil), TCA Quetiapine (Seroquel)

*Risperidone (Risperdal)

Zotepine (Nipolept)

*Ziprasidone (Geodon)

Mood Stabilizers-

*Lithium (Lithobid, Eskalith), the oldest mood stabilizer

Carbamazepine (Tegretol), anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer

Oxcarbazepine (Trileptal), anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer

*Valproic acid, and salts (Depakine, Depakote), and mood stabilizer

*Lamotrigine (Lamictal), atypical anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer

Gabapentin, atypical GABA-related anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer

Pregabalin, atypical GABA-ergic anticonvulsant and mood stabilizer

Topiramate, GABA-receptor related anticonvulsant and mood-stabilizer

Quetiapine, atypical antipsychotic and mood stabilizer

Journal entry Feb 2, 2010, still living at home, talking about my struggles while being on prozac where I recorded what my mother said to me "You're not right in the head."

Have I tried them all? No. Does that mean there is still hope? Sure, if you are like Jigsaw in the Saw movies and like watching people torture themselves with trial and error to try and beat some fucked up game. In my brain, I don't feel hope. It's a huge trigger for anyone who mentions trying new "meds" again. And while I no longer associate with the toxic family members who demanded I be medicated if I was to live in their home, I feel like it is important to share with you how I was treated by my "family". Because it is often how many families treat their mentally ill family members.

Whenever I had a bad day, or even a mood swing, I was consistently asked if I took my medicine that day. Even when I had, there were usually words filled with anger and frustration: "maybe you should take another" or "it doesn't sound like it" or "maybe they should up your dose". I look back now in horror how these people who called themselves "family" treated me, seeing how far I have come. These things came from adults and my child siblings; they did absolutely nothing to educate themselves on having a family member with mental illnesses. There was so much going on during my parents divorce, they were unable to provide the best care for all their children. I see now doctors were likely treating the symptoms of what my family was doing to me instead of perhaps my actual illness. While something inside me was upset and sad during those moments of my family belittling me for my illness, my family conditioned me to believe that the only way to make others like me is to always smile, never have a bad day and keep taking my medicine. I didn't even realize what they were doing to me. Over and over and over again. These all play a role of stunting my mental health success.

Journal entry Nov 22, 2014 "Another Day I'm left paralyzed by my mental illness."

I support holistic healing, I support western medicine. I don't support big Pharma trying to profit off of my illness and over taking almost every shrink I've ever met. Psychiatrists (medical doctor with at least 11 years of training, but can have PHD as well, aka shrinks) prescribe medicine. Nothing more. If you see one and do not take their medicine they will not continue to see you. There is no reason. They are not therapists. You'd be lucky to have a full 10 minutes with them after your first appointment. If you thought that shrinks sit you down and have a chat, you are thinking of psychologists (can have a doctorates, degree but not in medicine.). They are rare to find in my local area. They "conduct scientific studies of behavior and brain function. Observe, interview, and survey individuals. Identify psychological, emotional, behavioral, or organizational issues and diagnose disorders."

Simple terminology is a Google search away, and yet few people choose to do it. I have no idea why, I guess they don't want to be educated. Behavior and mind set changes take longer to understand in the self and that sometimes those things need to change. Environment plays a huge role on those who struggle with mental illness. There are studies that show there would be a significant amount of people who wouldn't struggle much at all in adulthood had their environment growing up been healthy. Most mental illness doesn't work like that, though. While I am a truama survivor and working through my own therapy and self-love, I'm not convinced I'd be free from all of my illnesses had I had a better family. I do, however, feel had I had more understanding and support instead of being raised in a cult, I would have progressed so much more and faster than where I am at now at almost 27 years old. Unfortunately, we will never know. And just like me trying new meds, it's not worth thinking about right now!

Feb 5, 2014 Another journal entry basically describing an anxiety attack.