Plugged In

My brain hurts.

My soul hurts.

My body hurts.

My everything hurts.

So much is heavy and hard. Finding proper professional services to help me progress, is slow. And by slow I mean them not answering phones. Me missing the call backs. Voice mail only conversations of constant phone tags. Only to let me know that they aren't fully open, but will let me know when they are. But I have little hope they do. I just call back weekly and check.

It is a game of weight. I mean wait?

What do I do in the mean time? I google for help. I blog for help. I cry to help. I take baths to stimulate "ice diving" with extreme hot and cold temperatures. This is behavioral therapy meant to slow heart rate and rest the mind/body. Giving "shock" to over power other emotions. This is self care.

When I was living at home with my dad and a simple "What have you done today?" question is taken personally because his tone is one of accusation after he shares all the hard manual work he has done. I tell him "not much" or "I went out and voted" or "errands/chores/yoga/meditation"... but he sees me in the comfort of (HIS) air conditioned house not doing income producing activities... and I'm labeled lazy. That's what he thinks, he has told me many times. He does have a right to his thoughts and feelings though, even if they are hurtful and demeaning.

His tone and body language intentionally trying to make me feel inferior. Keep me submissive. Something I saw him do to my mother when I was a child. Something I saw each of my mothers husbands do to her continuing to grow up.

Social medias are difficult. I feel a strong urgency and to act by sharing vital information that isn't being share in the free press. Speaking my voice during these difficult times and trying to stay connected with the world. Plugged in. Plugged into the violence, bigotry and hate. Plugged into the independent journalists. Absorbing it, trying to make sense of it all. Relearning, and immersing myself into new challenging thoughts that demand physical actions for change.

And it hurts. . . It hurt like high school did when I first learned about *some* these things. When I was taught that "all of this was in the past". Public lynchings aren't on trees anymore, they are under the knee's of our police. In our homes, shooting out dogs and children. It hurts knowing I was taught all those lies from people we are told to trust and look up to. My friends and loved ones need support and love. But I'm not sure I can do much.

Taking a hot bath, brushing my teeth, and wearing clean clothing isn't helping.

Meditation, yoga and eating healthy isn't enough. Binging other mind numbing media for distractions is a cheap band-aid. You know, the ones that barely stick on your skin or do their jobs, and just randomly peel off when you needed them to protect your wound the most?

So what's the answer? Where do we draw the line? I think about what kind of world I'd like to live in. I think about "promoting what I believe in, instead of spreading hate on what I don't". GAH it's like toxic positivity is ingrained into my DNA. But I have successfully chained the bitch up and left her in a dark corner of my minds eyes. She wrecked enough of my life giving hope and light where there wasn't any to be had. I guess she didn't know any better, it's what was taught to her too. And now I await for her to die and take with her the torture she use to do to my mind.

Is imagination all I have to believe in? Do my ancestors of oppressed women sing praise to our progress as they see the world from another ethereal plan? Have we made that much progress at all? "You aren't grateful enough for how far we have come" says the muffled chained voice in the corner. "Put a sock in it..." I grimace at the scum in the corner.

Hard topics mean hard work. And you will have to unplug eventually to do that healing. You can't always stay in the hot seat and experience the rest and rejuvenation that this endurance race depends on.

I don't have the answers, but I like listening and learning from other people with great ideas!

In them mean time lets all acknowledge that there is always room for improvement.

Here is pdf of a list of books, podcasts, articles, and other forms of media that will help you educate, understand and humble yourself into someone better! Anti-racism Resources. Listen. Learn. Do better. Be better.