Terms and Conditions

Let me tell you about my anger.

It's an emotion that I am poor at using effectively. It is the precursor to my self harm and suicide attempts. It is the feeling that brings other emotions like sadness, loneliness and emptiness together for a grand party.

I'm still waiting for the biggest celebration of all. My suicide. Party of one.

One where I wrap the rope around my neck and pull so hard there is no undoing it. One where I drift into darkness and am forgotten. The end to Kirsten, that I long for.

"but you have failed at everything, including killing yourself." More anger.... pulling the rope tighter.

Remembering all the people who won't care that I'm gone, will sing praises of relief when I am gone. Sister, SAME!

You think I'm a bother to you? You have no idea what is like living with myself. Knowing that there is no cure or healthy coping for people like me. Knowing that death is the only release for someone as fucked up and long gone and she.... You'd attempt to kill yourself several times too. Until you got it right.

06/19/20

Sometimes I imagine my suicide for others harm and grief, for encouragement. Imagining what it would be like to find me dead in their house from a sleep over. Or just a surprise visit strung up on their front porch. Or family members having to make that 911 call. When would they find me? What would they do to my dead body before the police got there? There is only one suicide though. . . I've imagined airing it over places like Facebook Live, or just recording it on my phone for others to find afterwards.

Suicide for these reasons are not wrong to me. There is no wrong reason for suicide in my opinion; we all use our own emotions to accomplish what we want. Anger is a powerful emotion, so is spite. Why not use your strongest emotions to pursue your chosen life's ending? Use what you've got.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I encourage suicide; to anyone, for anything. Your life, is your choice. No one asked you if you wanted to be alive. Set yourself free.

The hard part is over coming the instinct ingrained to live. More anger presents itself after each failed attempt. "There is obviously a part of you that wants to lives" says every therapists, friend, and doctor, only egging me to try harder. I know that if I keep trying, I will eventually win. I will eventually cut everyone and everything out of my life and WILL successfully kill myself. That's what I want. WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING.

To the person reading this, you don't have to wait around and watch, you get to chose to walk away from me. You don't have to watch how I die, but instead, like Phoebe, you keep me around, and only show up to disagree and say you're "not trying to be the morality police." Indeed your enemies are your biggest fans. So stick around, I know how good you'll feel when I'm finally successful at suicide, probably about as good as I will feel to no longer breathing. Pain free.

We can agree to disagree!

You are a Facebook friend, who doesn't know me personally, you don't like or comment anything happy, supportive or encouraging, ever. I don't have to be a good person to call out those who do wrong and I haven't had friends "abandon me in my time of need." I've had friends call the police like the little bitch they are (that's all you Petra!) because I didn't reply to their messages fast enough, but I was not in need.

I've also had an a friend lie to me about leaving the cult we were raised in, only to get sucked back in and deny that conversation ever happen, despite me having actual proof. Neither "friend" abandoned me and neither time was I in need. They did however, do "wrong". So where did someone "abandon me in my time of need?" Am I missing something?

Are you saying those things above are the same as encouraging suicide? Because I think suicide carries MUCH more weight and those scenarios aren't comparable at all.

So when you find yourself in a deep dark place, ready to give up? Lean into it, set yourself free. Do not message me asking for help, you know my stance, ya dumb fucks. (that's calm Kirsten speaking now, by the way.)