Today Was Annoying

My sleep has been pretty terrible since I started these new pysch meds. Before starting these psych meds I found some Chinese herbs via my acupuncturist that were really helping my sleeping. However they do not mix well with SSRI's and mood stabilizers. And essentially don't work/ counter act my current meds, so now they just sit on my shelf in my bathroom because they don't do much for me.

With this in mind I may be more irritable writing this due to my poor sleep lately. Where to start...

Four and a half weeks ago was when I started these new medications. And three weeks ago today I called and filled out paper work online for my new shrinks office. (aka psychiatrists- I say "shrink" for short because they have yet to prove their value to me for their degreed titles) I have been waiting to hear back from them for my intake appointment. I started Lexapro again but this time with 20 mg 2x a day with Geodone. And I have noticed several things. My depression has started to be lifted. Mania has returned. (I don't get mania without and SSRI) My sleep is poor. (whats new?) And if I miss a dose of Geodone by even a few hours I have tremors and get anxcious/ heart palpitations. But none the less my body has acclimated and I have been feeling pretty decent.

Today I got a call back that I finally finished all my paper work correctly, there were previously things I missed and I was not told about it. Chelsea from ABS mental health left me a voice mail in the morning saying "I do need to speak with you TODAY." Apparently my forms, from 3 weeks ago-also known as my "GAD forms" scores were "really high" and she was "shocked" that Meritus medical let me out of the hospital with such high scores of feeling stressed and depressed. She wanted me to seek out more help with a partial hospitalization program because my appointment wouldn't be until July 27th. Our phone call was eleven minutes long and at least ten of them was her asking me what my current symptoms were because she was worried for me. I told her that I have a base line of suicidality and it's more of a personality trait now but that "if a bus hit me today I'd be happy about it and I wouldn't feel like I missed out on anything in my life."

Chelsea was stalling during the phone call telling me to go to another impatient hospital if I felt that bad. *sighs* My brain spiraled on how to convince this woman her urgency was misplaced and I'll see her in a few weeks at my intake appointment. She was making me feel icky, I did not like her tone or hastiness with trying to tell me, someone she had never spoke to before, how I was feeling. I didn't have an active suicde plan, even though I always have plan... So I lied and told her I'd talk to my therapist friday about going to a PHP. (Partial Hospitalization Program) I am NOT going to a PHP those spaces are for people who need it right now, I have other things scheduled in my coming weeks more important to me. Including acupuncture, which actually helps.

I'm NOT liking how these new people run their business anymore than my last experience and I'm worried I'm just going to drop taking meds because no one will prescribe them for me other than a shrink; because "I'm a complicated case." My local area is already hurting for shrinks. I'm only being seen by Audra Worthington, Nurse Practitioner. Not MD Psychiatrists. And this is how they react to intake paper work? Send me somewhere else?

Up next, to avoid having withdraw from my current meds I'm running out of because I won't be seen by Audra for another month, I attended my primary care doctors appointment to get another 30 days of my meds. He upped one of the doses, to which I agree with, but than asked me about my personal life. He generally is a fun and kind doctor, but encouraged me to "take a break from dating" after this break up (duh?) because he thought it was causing me unneeded stress. As if I wasn't single 3 years before dating Sean. Or as if there was someone else lined up already anyways.

Two professionals offering advise with good intent at the wrong times and places. I wish they just stayed in their lane. Sean had a rough day at work and got caught in traffic on the way home so I can't vent to him. So I take to writing. I'm annoyed by these things. I'm annoyed that people like me who are generally red flag symptoms have to LIE about their symptoms in order to not be treated like that. Or be told how to have social dating constructs based on in the inner workings of my life that my PCP knows pretty little about. He doesn't even know I am polyamorous.

It's obvious I do not like being told what to do. Today I am on edge I suppose. But a good friend of mine is in town and I get to see her soon! As well as a coffe target date tomorrow, therapy and potentially another friend date!

Until next time.