Tuesday December 11, 2007

8:34pm

"I'm surprised I am still living. The pain and torture we go through. I 'hate' it. My parents... I should have gratitude and be grateful... but how?

Today in school was practically told I shouldn't stay after school for concessions. So I didn't. (even though I was planning on it) When I got home I told my mom why I was home because she wasn't expecting me to be home. She said I was being bullied and I said I didn't care. (So later after FIGHTING) I decided it was best not to go to concession with people I knew weren't very nice, MY mom got mad at me because I wouldn't get out of the car at the high school to do concessions. (I got paid for this work in high school)

Earliest known internet photo of my teenage life. (Facebook July 2009) I haven't been able to access my myspace photos I used for like 3 weeks. lol

So I was grounded from my temple trip. I really want to go. I felt so bad for Katie Farr, she called and asked for temple trip arrangements for rides. I told her I couldn't go anymore. I want to do church activities, but I'm not allowed. This is because I have no life. My mother can't ground me from anything because I don't do anything. I don't get on the internet, (we don't have it), I don't get on the phone and talk to so called friends. I have no real friends except church, where I never get to go. I don't play games on the Playstation, I don't go places. I don't have friends over.

There is that so called 'friend' word again.

I am miserable inside. I don't know what I am to do???

I'm a part of a counsil in church and we talk about inactive members. I'm not exactly on that list, but I could be!

Why me? I feel horrible. I need friends. People who love and care. I can't take fighting anymore. I have a limited life and I don't know what to do.

Someone help ME PLEASE! I'M ASKING, I know I have problems,

What do I do?

Who do I turn to?

Is there anyone there?

There is someone there, God.

He's the only one that cares. That's the way I feel.

I have to sleep!

-Kirsten

I turn one way, I get shunned. I turn the other, the same thing. There is no more doors left.

Help?

8.52pm"

Surprisingly, this was difficult to read. In my blogs I talk about many of my life's traumas and difficulties, recalling things from memory... But rereading those words in my hand writing in an old journal, documenting a very lonely part of my life, makes me want to hug that old me and say, "I SEE YOU! Those people suck bad, and things don't get better, but they get different. Also you get hot as fuck. . . and Menstrual cups.. get one. You'll thank me later."

Perhaps going through my old journal entries aren't very productive, but I honestly enjoy knowing how long I've been fighting for the real me to be seen and heard. I've been fighting for me since... always. There are so many journal entries modeled like this as I turn the pages to understand my old self. This lets me know that I'm not making the hardships up despite being 14 years old. This wasn't simply teenage struggles/anger/hormones. My childhood was lonely, and that shouldn't be considered "normal" or "typical". I'm not eagerly inviting myself to the name of victim, I'm here to reconcile with the old me, where the traumas began. To heal myself now I have to accept my past, not forget it existed, and not stay there crippled forever by its memories. There is no toxic positivity here, if you are a regular reader to my blogs, not much positivity at all goes around. lol There is nothing wrong with being a victim, while it is not fun, it's not shameful.

victim- a person harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action.

I'm so glad to be free from the people who raised me and the cult that tried to organize the pieces of my life my family tore apart. I realize that the Mormon church at one point was actually better and safer for me than my own home. I met many good people and friends, and developed skills my family didn't teach me. But they also perpetuated a huge shame culture I wish to dispel from my thoughts/actions. I don't wish to associate with those ideals, as they were a weapon to a self destructive lifestyle.

I left the Mormon cult and since have been rediscovering myself. And sometimes that involves sharing things that I no longer am. I pick up parts of myself and examine if I want to keep it. I've been chucking things out left and right, sometimes without thought, but more often with too much worry. When I was a child I was told that I was awesome for the things I was doing: attending the temple I had to pass worthiness interviews for, getting straight A's, getting awards as an excelled student, being kind, generous and having a serving heart. However I was never told that I was enough; I felt the need to always do more. I questioned why every adult told me to my face that I was a "good person", but yet I had no real friends. With confidence and self love, I've outgrown many of these insecurities. Misery loves company, you don't need to be a good person to have friends. I'm proof of that. LOL I have some amazing people in my life now, who have told me things like "it's okay if you wouldn't do the same for me, I love you and I want to be your friend! <3" (That was you, Petra)

I remember doing self reflective exercises "writing to my future self" but now I'll be writing one to my old self, and this is how it would go ....

Dear teenage Kirsten,

It's your future badass self. We use different language to express ourselves now, and it's fucking awesome! You probably think this can't be true, but trust me I know you, well. No one else knows about our biggest scariest most embarrassing secret we've been carrying.... *whispers* that we have masturbated since age two. *Gasps* Please learn that this actually isn't unusual, a lot of children and nearly 100% of teenagers do it. Promise. It's actually healthy. I know your current views against things like this are very strong. You'll come around, no matter what you do because I am you, and we outlive many difficult things that involve us to change to survive.

I am almost 27, 13 years ahead of you, but looking back you are super duper cute and worthy of friends and love. We turn out hot as fuck by the way, puberty did us well. Still no boobs though, but we have learned to love and embrace what we do have. We even live braless now! I know, who even are we? Also while we are talking about bodies, Your labia is normal. You are great as you are. And menstrual cups, ask mom about it, she'll help you find one and likely support you in using one. Less yeast infections/UTI's. Future you wishes you found them ealier! Suuuuuuch a big help on our heavy periods.

Consent! Girl, ia thing! The only thing our parents taught us regarding sex was: "No!" I know that the first time we saw a condom was on the bus when we were 11. Jose Stotler was blowing a red cherry flavored one up. It popped and sounded like a balloon (that's what they basically are, glorified balloons), everyone on the bus jumped then laughed. That bus driver with the mullet was something else though, right? (good old 17C) Regardless this is not the education you can rely on. Do research, ask questions to trusted teachers. I know it's awkward but education will help us. Don't feel obligated to let men touch you when you don't want to be touched. Especially creepy Dan Taylor. Forcing kisses for candy and goodbyes is unacceptable- protect yourself! You do not have to do anything you don't want to do.

Next up? Love! And you get to feel it. It's real and it's so amazing, unlike anything you have ever felt before in your high school life. It doesn't happen until you leave the house though, I'm sorry it took us so long to find it. You have some amazing relationships and best friends now.

The things I say won't change the future much, but I just want us to be more confident, more loving, and start loving ourselves and others a little bit earlier if possible. This includes not being racist or homophobic anymore. And don't say you aren't, you know you are and you are embarrassed to admit our racist inner thoughts. You want to change them but don't know how. Lean into that uncomfortableness, ask questions change! We do not have to be a product of our upbringing any longer. We get to learn how to love others better. And it does happen.

This letter probably leaves so many questions, fear and concerns. I know how we can go on forever though. Sometimes less is more. So here's to many more years of healing!

We don't even like life that much, don't take it so seriously. After all, all our suicide attempts haven't worked thus far. haaaa

xoxo,

Kirsten Danielle

Special Thanks to my editor: MC_hammer