Withdrawal

Geodone wasn't working out. While the concoction of mediations I am on is seemingly helping me be more productive in my life, I am still struggling profoundly mentally. While being on this medication, it has a short half life, which means it passes through the body relatively quickly and you need to take it more than once a day. I took geodone both morning and night since June 2020. Since then I have had to take naps two hours after waking up because of its sedation properties. I have also almost fallen asleep at the wheel, smacking my face to stay awake. I have taken random naps during outings in my car just to function. In addition to me craving the next dose before it's time because my body is shaking and it feels like electricity is going through my veins.

My sleep has not improved (falling/staying asleep), but nightmares have subsided some. So we have been weening me off geodone and replaced it with Vraylar. Another mood stabilizer. The last one I haven't tried yet. It's brand new and doesn't have a genetic yet. I'm hopping for the best, as this is the last one I'm willing to try based on the side effects of the others.

Withdraw has been emotional and physical. My whole body tremors and shakes. And the worse anxiety I've had ever with a tight chest and nauseous stomach. Not to mention the mood swings of sadness and depression as my body gets less of the medication it has been craving. This is how powerful and in my opinion dangerous they are.

None the less these medications have gotten me through some really tough times. The toughest I've had in a while. Which is precisely why I took myself to the hospital to get help after my ex's meltdown as he pushed his anger onto me. As much as I think he deserved to know that his existence brought me to my knees and was so close to suicide; I wanted him to know I took my life because of him. And he would have mourned in anger over his shitty actions, because I know that much about him. And that thought brought me comfort in that dark time. Knowing someone would hurt because they would care that I was gone. Especially because it was my shitty ex's behavior that made me feel unsafe in my own home that was the cherry on top of my safe place crumbling into nothingness.

But my coping skills I have learned and the previous months of self care pulled me through that dark time. The medication has given me energy to complete a large aray of tasks. Including therapy, scheduling and making appointments, mishaps through a vacation to North Carolina, and all the daily chores I need to do to stay where I am at. Life is hard when you have deep depression, but I'm glad my body is clean and I have clean clothing and food in my fridge. All because I am taking care of myself. And that is something I see and understand the medication is helping with. I understand this is confusing, because how could the same meds that make me fall asleep at the wheel while driving, also make electricity pulse through my veins and make my body tremor in anxiousness keeping me awake at night? All I know is that it does. And I'm not willing to cope with it anymore.

So on my knees I am again, cripples with withdraw just trying to make it through this week. I have barely fed myself. I'm struggling making good choices, or any choices at all. But I am getting through it slowly. Im going to try going with out geodone tonight, because weening off and proven difficult and overwheleming, I just want it over with already.

Wish me luck!