Wrenching

"You don't get to choose if you do get hurt in this world but you get to choose who hurts you."

I just finished watching The Fault in Our Stars for the first time. Tears. Lots of tears. Chick flicks get me every time. But I relate to this one a bit more than some of those other cheesey ones, because it is about DEATH and PAIN. Two things that my brain has been fixated on for quite some time. And every time I cry like that I always wonder where the tears come from and how dehydrated I must make myself. Endless tears and nose blowing.

There are some really cool quotes and fun things in the movie though. My favorite probably is

"Pain demands to be felt."

And unlike many other emotions and experiences in life pain is one of those words with a negative connotation. And rightfully so. In my life I have felt enormous amount of emotional pain. Much of which you can find written in this blog. Gratefully my physical pain has always been lesser than emotional pain. I know this because I've never had physical pain strong enough that I wanted to kill myself. But as most of my readers know, I live my chronically suicidal life on the cliff of suicide. I dance there. Sit there. Stare out at the unknown there.

The void I so long for because I know it is better than what I have here. I guess I am just a glutton to for pain to stick around with this knowledge.

But love! This love story reminded me about many people in my life that I have loved. The first one it reminded me of was a little boy named Ember. Who got his wish from the "genies" aka The Make A Wish Foundation. He was K9 Police officer for a day. I was a nanny to him and his family and they invited me along for their special day. And it was spectacular.

His smile was the BEST! See, Ember has cystic fibrosis and only has one lung. Shortly after he was born he had surgery to remove one of his lungs because I believe it was too diseased to stay. This little boy is immune compromised, but loves so deep and hard. He knows pain, and he knows joy. I can't pretend to know even a small percentage of what he has gone through in his life and what all he may have yet to go through yet. (potentially needing a lung transplant if the last lung he has ever stops working!)

The next person I thought about was Tyler. My first love. (*sighs* what a dumb ass) He taught me much about the world and myself. While wrapped in his own addictions that have made a wreck of his life, this man was the first person to care so deeply about me and give me their all. This love was tainted. The 10 months we dated felt like forever. Anyone homeless in the desert winter of Idaho probably feels like it lasts forever too. I Imagined an entire life with him, kids even. The good Molly-Mormon girl I was only had a glimpse at the possibility that I would have a more than one sexual partner in my life, and it crushed me. (Little did I know just how many there would be. ha!) Anyways, our love was tainted with immaturity. Not in a mistakenable way. In a way that I didn't really love myself, so how could I fully love another? I was just learning about the world. Breaking out of my well mannered, brown-nosing self.

Tyler was my first step to the person I am today. The person I was meant to be. But oh my, did that break up wreck me. For years I cried over this man. I remember packing up all of my possessions from our relationship and tapping the box completely shut that all you saw was tape. The bra I wore on our first date. Dried flowers he bought me. Hand written notes. The Mixed CD he made me when we were nothing more than flirtatious co-workers. All in that box. Until one day my mom found it... and threw all but the CD and a bra away. She put the bra in my suit case I had been living out of. When I found it, I gasped. Knowing where it came from and feeling violated my mom went through and did that to me. Betrayal. Those were my sacred things. Her actions didn't help me get over him, but they did make me hate her. They actually lead to my overdose suicide attempt. Life man, gets you right in the feels.

Of course this blog wouldn't be complete without mentioning the man I love now, Sean. Seanathan. My lover. We don't have too many nicknames for each other, just a few joking ones. I like calling people by their first names and I don't like being called pet names either. This movie made me think if our love is as deep or passionate as some of my past lovers?

And the answer has always been no. And I'll tell you why. . .

I'm working on gutting out the toxic trauma that has been harming me. The thoughts, words and actions that I participate in, sometimes unconsciously. Sometimes erratically. And when you improve yourself your relationships and how you interact with other people change! I do not think that my love for Sean is any less meaningful just because it isn't as "passionate". My past relationships were plagued with my Borderline Personality Disorder tendencies; which while intense and emotional... not stable. In no means am I saying that Sean and I's relationship is perfectly stable and my BPD hasn't had some havoc on us as well. We have had several breaks ups and bumps in the road this past year of dating.

But it would be an injustice to not point out the progress I have made in my life to get where I am at! I'd also like to point out that him and I literally joke about how my pap smear came back questionable and that I need a biopsy for further studying.... and that if I had cancer, I'd let it kill me and not get treatment. ha.... Morbid, but truthful laughs. And than in his serious voice told me how sad that would make him and hopes I would choose treatment.... it's not like I mind being bald, ya know? (I've shaved bald the past five years of childhood cancer research fundraiser!)

Young love is deep, meaningful and.... heart wrenching. But that isn't the person I am anymore. There have been several other people I have loved along the way, but these were the ones that I thought about the most.