Yo Momma so....

Time to break out some jokes....

Starting with the mother of my high school's boyfriend. She is now currently one of two subscribers to my online journal here, since blocking me on Facebook. Special welcome, coming at you from yours truly. This one is about you girl! Stalkers welcome!

On December 22nd, 2019 I reached out to Hunter (said HS bf) as we are long distance friends. It's always been that way. He lived in York, Pa, I lived in Western MD about 2 hours away. We met at a church prom when I was 17. He was my first kiss at a Nickleback, Buck Cherry, and Three Days Grace Concert. bla bla. We stayed friends as I was his pen pal on his 24 month Mormon mission to France. I came to his homecoming at his home congregation in PA, by invitation from his mother, because he stopped talking to me the last 6 months of his mission. (it was especially difficult on him preaching something he didn't believe, despite his peppy, happy, very missionary hand written letters) And last month I came across something odd, basically a rumor, I wanted to throw his way regarding having his degree revoked from BYU, if he ever removed his membership because he was atheist. He was quick to defense, which to my surprise he denied ever telling me he stopped believing in the Mormon faith. Accused me of "projecting" my feelings onto him regarding concern with his lack of belief. Despite bonding over this topic for years, and him being happy and encouraging me leaving the church himself, he was one of the first people I reached out to when I received my letter that that cult removed my records! And he said " Ur a free woman, congrats" None the less, I have screen shots of that heart breaking conversation. (at the end of this blog) It may haven't meant much to him than, but when you are an active member of the LDS cult, you mourn for those who have left the flock, much like Katheryn is doing now, for me. So I get it, I've been there. But I never sent Hunter church talks to encourage his faith to come back... even when he discouraged me from going to the temple with my new recommend. But you're a bit too late.

I screen shot the entire conversation between Hunter and I, made a good bye post and tagged him and all his family publicly on Facebook. It's long, but it's still there, check it out! It got his attention, as was planned. Cheers! Apparently it caught yours too Katheryn. I'd stick around if I were you, I have some screen shots you haven't seen yet.

Instead of leaving a comment on my Facebook post or messaging me privately, she blocked me, but found my blog and wanted me to reach out to her to discuss my lack of faith; you know, if I needed a friend since I lost a few in the process. Blocking someone on one platform and directly conversing with them on another is a bit.... odd to me. Of course I will be discussing what she sent me and my break-down reply per section here! Grab some popcorn, or for you fellow apostates, some TEA, the caffeinated kind. Cause I'm about to spill it! Truth be told I don't understand plant and bean water at various temperatures. but things are going to get... luke warm here.

Let's take this in sections.

To save on all the screen shots I'll just be showing hers, sure it doesn't sound fair, but you have Katheryn here to let you know if I didn't copy and paste word for word exactly. (I did correct some grammar errors, but no words were changed.) Katheryn begins with my most recent blog post and mentions one other she had looked at. So my first reply starts:

"Hi Katheryn, I noticed you sent a message instead of commenting- you are welcome to comment publicly, as you know now, nothing "private" stays that way with me, and it will likely end up public anyways. So maybe it was by accident?

I'd love to address all your concerns with what's was written in my blogs. Being open an honest doesn't hold me blameless, it holds me accountable and pushes me to truthfulness. My blog is my online public journal. Anything goes in my journal, maybe you withhold in yours?

Your first concern was about my abusive mother; if you'd like to learn more about her read my blog named "Mom". It's thorough and remains one of my most viewed blogs."

And with that I've got nothing to add to my original reply. She continues....

My reply to this section is:

"Your second concern was for 'why I left the church', however it seems you weren't very thorough at reading my blog(s). I left the church because god isn't real, not because of the things I challenged in my 'Coming Clean' post. If you read it, you apparently skipped over where I said 'I found these things AFTER I left the church and weren't a reason to why I left, but are they reason's why I won't return.' Unsurprisingly, I hadn't know any of those things before leaving, most members of the LDS church don't know those things. I've since done a lot learning and researching. If you'd like to hear the story why I left, see my very first blog posted called 'Lower Case g'. You'll have to scroll back a bit, it was posted in June 2019. Basically, you can belong to a social community without believing its full belief system. But religion as a whole will not be revisited... for what reason is their without god.

Furthermore, if you had read that blog thoroughly, you'd see I used Fair Mormon a few times during my citation of research. This lets me know you formed your opinions with out all the data presented."

It's very evident you read what you wanted to and are beginning to make things up. More on this later in her message. She continues...

At this point I'm disappointed in your reading abilities. You came to me as if you cared but didn't actually read what I wrote. No one who reads my blog thinks I'm happier without the Mormon cult. Seriously though, what is wrong with you to make that accusation? I went out of my way to specifically mention this topic in the exact blog you reference. I have a lot of healing to do from that trauma, So let's get one thing straight, I've had far more suicide attempts as a member than without. But I'm sure hoping now without membership I'm successful. (I'm only one year out) And you haven't been there for any of them. I don't exist to be apart of your narrative on when and how I was happy, while you were mildly present during one of my most difficult times of my life. Maybe you can learn something about me today, about my past, how dark and empty it has always been. I have plenty more blogs for your viewing pleasure if you so choose to learn about me. I'm pretty fucked up regardless of religion. But none the less here was my reply...

"Your next concern was my mental illness, I have many. Not just depression. You can find my most recent symptoms listed on "I Think I'm Getting Worse". However my mental illness is mentioned in nearly every blog post. Which is something I've been transparent about far before leaving the Mormon cult. My illness has *not* gotten better since leaving in December 2018. Nor has my life, which is exactly what I said in my blog. I did however say I was becoming a better person through this change and now over a decade of intensive therapy. But you are mistaken, I'm not happier. I hope with every fiber of my being my mental illness finally consumes me fully and allows me to kill myself successfully, unlike my many past failed attempts. I deserve the peace and nothingness that death provides all."

Becoming a better person, doesn't mean you are happier- for me it means I'm not homophobic or racist anymore as well as many other important characteristics... These things have not directly affected my serotonin or dopamine level though.

To my readers some back story... Katheryn describes her love for her previous (1st husband) abusive "eternal companion" and it's not surprising. While dating Hunter as a 17 year old, Hunter talked briefly about his parents issues, but even less of his dad. He was an addict, drugs and alcohol ruled his life. I never formally met his dad, just waved across a parking lot while his scruffy self sat in the car. I only communicated with his mother. (neither of us drove, and my mom and his mom had to coordinate our long distance visits) Hunter told me he even picked up part time jobs to help with bills that is dad drank away. Until he divorced and his mom kicked him out? Here is some photos of a letter Hunter sent me on his mission recalling his parents divorce, and a skype call during his mission of him saying " I don't think I ever had a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk, high, or going through withdraw since I was 14."

Frankly, I can't take everything Hunter has ever told me at as truth these days, he has lied to me many times over the years- but this was my knowledge of his childhood. His mother was an excellent painter, and from what he told me, a stay at home mom, per usual Mormon quota. Some of these things could be wrong, but again, we dated for like 2 months, and his family wasn't his priority when we talked. We both wanted out and away of our family issues, one more thing we bonded over. From what I knew his dad was total crap, until Hunter left on his mission. I have letters of him mentioning his dad and how he became active in the church again and was now a worthy temple worker. (also in his letter) At the time I remember thinking to myself "Wow, go you Hunter, being an example to your family and pulling them back together!" But his mother remarried to some baptist guy, I met him at Hunters homecoming. I found him a bit odd. Years later this crossed my news feed. Hunter didn't have much to say about it.

Yup. That's about it. You hear about this sort of thing, remarrying your first husband after your second marriage failed....but it doesn't happen often. I believe in love, and I'm glad Roger cleaned himself up- all addicts should. This post is full of opinions, but leaving the church doesn't means you are into drugs or alcohol or illegal things. I was a fully active member and became a felon for my suicide attempt on Jan 11, 2018 when I drove my car into a tree on the interstate while police tried to stop my attempt. (fleeing and evading the police) This was one of the things that made my shelf very heavy.... the straw that broke the camels back happen later that year, and I met with my bishop to have my records removed. Hunter was happy for me! But I'm not a criminal, and I'm not anymore happy than I was a member, I'm just not living in lies. There is literally no possible way I can ever return to the church knowing what I know now. Unless I had some crazy brain injury that rendered me not in control of my own choices.

Okay back to the rest of Katheryn's message.

My reply to this portion:

"Your last concern was people leaving me. One of those persons thought that Harry Potter was real, and that he killed their real childhood animals while they slept. While they may have been "good friends" and it hurt when they left, they weren't very smart, and I've done significantly better in my choice of friendship! A few other of those "friends" are in abusive marriages. Their fate is more than being given for their stupidity to stay with those who physical, sexually, mentally and emotionally abuse them and their children. Sometimes you've got to leave those people behind. Leaving the cult didn't come easy. It's been a mourning process."

When my "friend" Juilanna told me she thought witchcraft was real and every time another Harry Potter movie/book was released one of her bunnies died, I almost pissed myself with laughter. She was a pill head in her teens, and I suppose she sustained some damage from that period of her life, because I thought she was kidding. She was so direct and confused why I wasn't taking her seriously. Mind blow guys.... But her understanding to the "gospel" has always been limited, her participation in the church wavered during our youth friendship and it still does as a married, mother adult. A fun and a good natured person none the less, even if she didn't have the relationship with the church I did.

My reply?

"Here's a quote from my blog...

"my feelings and emotions were delusions and a symptom of psychosis during those intimate and often difficult times I came to prayer." I didn't leave the church from the flaws of man. I left because god doesn't exist. Which means, the church wasn't true. Nothing else matters, no other church can matter when god doesn't exist. However, church history is a fucking hoot. What was wrong with me to stay so long?!

Your own son felt this was years ago and told me via text, but later recently denied it. Luckily, his gaslighting can't win with my screen shots. Him leaving broke my heart, but I remained friends with him during his shelf breaking, his hard times."

So here's t last one... for now. She has wrote me once more since this, will probably be in a future blog depending on how things continue to go.

I'm not 17 anymore. I'd argue Kathryn is 100% a different woman than she was when she were a teenager too. And that's probably a good thing.

My reply?

"People change Kathryn, it's not always the way you want them too. Sometimes doing the right things involves being alone. I lived the gospel in isolation, and now I live without the delusions controlling me, the same.

Hunter doesn't have to accept me like I did him, but he will NOT lie to me and get away with it. He knows he lied. I have proof. The end."

Thoughts? Leave them in the comments! ;)

And my proof?