Addicts and Rapists

In my social life I have had some important observable patterns. How long I have friends. Their frequency in my life. Their value and importance in my life, and when I cut them off.

People come, people go and people change.

I too have grown and changed. The me today feels hate towards my old self thoughts and ways. And when you are trying to love who you are in any given moment it's really hard to honor the person you once were. Growing hurts.

Today I want to share what is on my heart about some people who have come and gone in my life. Most of them have been mentioned already, in some compacity, in my blog, but today is a vent/rant day. Maybe it will be one of those blogs that never make it to completion and publishing. But I am hoping it does, because my heart hurts, and that it is important for me to write why.

To begin, I want my readers to know I have some really important happy, healthy, and good people in my life; who support me. These are important for your growth and success as an individual. I feel I haven't written about them enough here yet, in my public journal. But I do struggle wanting to brag about them. Fear of realizing I have such amazing people in my life, what happens when they too are, Gone? But today, per my usual blog writing, is talking about negative influences.

Someone recently shared "inside news" about my most recent friend break up, Cassidy Harris. An immature 19-year old, drug addict woman that I tried to help and befriend after her boyfriend used me to cheat on her. (that was a crazy sentence, I know) I continued overlooking the lies I knew she kept weaving because I figured she needed help, and was embarrassed of the truth.

Things as simple as:

• Where she worked- Apparently she worked at the Fed ex in west Virginia. Why wouldn't she work in the one that was close to her in Hagerstown? Instead of over an hour away?

• Not having any insurance, but than planning a trip to see a urologist in Hershey PA at 1pm on Tuesday March 23rd.

• Her last name. Cassidy Korrin? Cassidy Harris?

• How many mom's/dad's she has. (last count was 3 moms and 2 dads?)

• Having a vehicle and was capable of driving to me, instead of me always needing to come get her. (I have never seen her vehicle, nor has she ever driven or had a license. She has her High School Sophomore ID as a photo ID, that's it.)

• Lying about how many pregnancies/miscarriages she has had. With no proof of ever being to a OBGYN ever.

• I really could continue but it would take a while, if you want to know more just message me.

But more truth and less lies is generally a better way to live life and build friendships.

I acquired some news, that I will share in a moment, from the only mutual friend we had in common, a girl named Emily. Emily friended me on Facebook and followed me on Instagram almost immediately after I reached out to Cassidy and shared all my screen shots of her nasty boyfriend. Drama attracts drama, and I guess Emily wanted in my space too. To this day Emily, Cassidy and I have zero mutual friends. Neither in person nor online. And after this ordeal, I realize I don't know if anything Cassidy has told me about her life has had much truth to it.

Over the course of my relationship(s) with these women, I have tread carefully. Cassidy constantly filled my ears with lies about Emily being a terrible mother and fellow addict during her down time/fights with her. Which seemed frequently. The first mention of her was during our first meeting where Cassidy paid for my meal at Olive Garden. Calling her, her "sister" and how she was excited for "a niece". Emily was pregnant at this time. And even though I asked questions to understand and to help prove what she was saying was true, I did not know or ever meet Emily, why wouldn't I believe Cassidy? For the longest time, I had no reason not to believe this things Cassidy said. But I also had no reason to back up or egg on her behavior, because I only knew what Cassidy told me about any of her circumstances.

Until one day Emily reached out and we talked a bit about her mental health back ground and addiction. She was breaking free from Cassidy; it was a progressive conversation. She spoke of what she is doing now to improve. She talked about just buying a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) work book to start more intensive therapy between sessions with her therapist. She was doing this on her own! She asked questions with our similar diagnosis and asked for input. I didn't know Emily well, but she vocalized wanting to do better for herself and her daughter

Cassidy would occasionally ask if I was on speaking terms with Emily. And while our conversations were not shallow when we did talk, we barely spoke even once a month. We weren't close what so ever. So when I mentioned these things to Cassidy, she was quick to put Emily in her place regarding her sobriety. Claiming Emily was lying to me and they get high together. Why would Cassidy lie about about getting high with someone? It's not like it makes her look good. This was a red flag to me.

None the less, Cassidy was physically at Emily's home during all those rude and hateful screaming messages she sent when we were trying to discus why I had to end our friendship. (You can find those recordings here. You can hear Emily's toddler crying in the back ground) I also heard laughing in the back ground during Cassidy's squawking; from Emily, even though Emily later told me it was not her, there were cartoons on and apologized that I thought it was her. These two girls pinning themselves against each other and against me. I have only ever been friends and met with with Cassidy.. Seemingly, the toxic one. And I am sure as Emily reads this she too has confusion. How was I ever friends with Cassidy? Because as I have constantly said "who you spend your time with is who you become." And nothing about my honesty and transparency rubbed off on Cassidy, so I'm standing over here embarrassed and confused having ever known a woman like her. A woman so lost.

I saw an ironic post Emily shared about "cutting people out of your life" days after this "fight" and I commented on it with some appreciative emoji's. That evening Emily messaged me, but I had already went to sleep: "I should have listened to you" and we talked on and off the rest of that day. Sharing stories, swapping the half truths that Cassidy filled both of us with. I was shocked by many of the things that were shared. How do these conversations even come up? If Emily cared or had questions about my personal life, why didn't she ask? We were on speaking terms, she had my cell phone number. All the same questions I'm sure Emily has about me and why Cassidy ever brought up things about her and other people I knew nothing about. The common denominator? Cassidy.

And all I have to say is, I don't know who this Cassidy girl is, I thought I did, but she is trash. And one of the people I regret the most knowing/ helping. Both of these women have access to my blog. My ONLINE PUBLIC JOURNAL. If you have questions about my life, read them! Time stamped and documented. They are here. Reach out and ask me. I mean, not everything about my life is always everyone's business, but sure, I guess I'll tell some more strangers the details about my rape since Cassidy told Emily that I lied about ever being raped.

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?! I was appalled Emily even typed it. Rapid fire thoughts went through my head. Cassidy said what? And Emily proceeded to share more half truths, enough to validate that what she said, she wasn't making up on her own, just to hurt me. I never told Emily details of my rape. That Cassidy actually told her "I made up my rape for attention." Exactly what kind of attention do people get for being raped? Nothing good, I assure you. Because nothing happen in spite of sharing my story. And nothing ever will. I also will never report another rape that happens to me again after this. It's pointless in the United States. And it wasn't worth it.

So here's some photos and details about my rapist.

Chadwich Daniel Handley

DOB: 09/09/91

W/H: 6'1" 240lbs

http://towncourier.com/urbana/police-blotter-25/

https://www.cityoffrederickmd.gov/CivicAlerts.aspx?AID=332&ARC=417&fbclid=IwAR2gwZGvBmKx53dJCwDT7uSDLO0VERKEON_3GckFKmDHNZilx7xAmcFbAEo

He was when I met him (April 2019), possibly still is, a fire fighter in Fredrick County. (I haven't cared to look since) You can see his last name on his helmet on his uniform. He also worked at Derricks Towing and Recovery- their phone number (240-457-7774) was listed on the truck he took photos of and had on his instagram. I met him through Tinder.

This address I found for him given his criminal record.-> 1500 Block of West 9th Street in fredrick.

*I didn't know all this information until I asked him his last name when I met him. We were siting on my back deck, chatting over pizza snacks and drinking water. (before he raped me) I then spent a lot of time google-searching him after what he did.

Stay the fuck away from this man.

I'm still processing that someone who called me a "friend" thought I was lying about being raped? And that her sharing my rape story with Emily only happen after I ended my friendship with her. Why not communicate or ask questions if you have them? Why go and ask someone else what they think of my rape story? Who even brings it up? I can only imagine how a conversation like that would go "Oh, did I ever tell you about how Kirsten shared details about her rape with me, and I totally think she was lying." ????? I honestly can't decide if I want to meet Emily and see for myself how good of a person she is, or stop wasting my time with these humans, block them all, and work on moving on. It's all so hurtful. But yet Cassidy gets furious that I have advise to offer her rather difficult situations she frequents- every time we hang out, but when she is the only one talking she lies and talks poorly about her other friends.

If Emily is a smart person, she has probably considered the same about me. OUR ONLY MUTUAL FRIEND IS A LOW LIFE. I know how that makes me look. But does she know how it makes her look too? We don't look good right now. And we talked about it.

^ And this is what a productive conversation can be like. Discussing difficult feelings and having mutual respect.

My first blog about that broken woman was all on my personal experiences. This is one with some extra insight from someone who has known and loved Cassidy since they were in middle school. Emily stuck her neck out to share this information about her with me. She didn't have to. And while it is possible that with the history Emily and Cassidy have she could return to friendship with her, that is never happening for me. I don't believe in Cassidy anymore. (If that is even her name?) I don't believe she has the ability to improve. At all. Yes, my opinions on addicts is harsh, because of people like this. She likely has well over a decade of intensive therapy to complete before becoming a tolerable person. Our entire friendship was built on lies. And prior to finding that her doctors appointment to start dialysis was a lie, the appointment I was going to make a 5-6 hour day trip for her to Hershey PA to help her get better- she may have not even have had 10 years on her life left to live. Lying about potentially dying? What? I don't know why I ever believed her that she had a urologist appointment with zero insurance. (totally my fault) As she seeks her drugs and chases her high, I hope she finds her rock bottom and motivation to improve instead of the death many addicts get. Because I'm out.

So out of fucks.

And out of patience with addicts.

I'm done.

But I did make a funny video of Cassidy's anger. Enjoy the laughs.