Childless

It has been an expectation and responsibility of every woman to have children for as long as I have been taught history. I grew up in a cult that taught that "families can be together forever" and to "be fruitful and multiply" was the first and great commandment.

When I was a child I planned my wedding day, picked out dresses styles, imaged the perfect American "Molly Mormon" future dream-life. I wanted seven kids. People told me I would change my mind about that once I interacted with more children.

I started child care as a teenager. Babysitting for side money. I loved children and interacting with them. When I graduated high school and moved to Idaho for college, I also continued my child care services that I considered a duty. It was good money, especially if you liked it! This started one of my adult careers in the private child care industry. I was a nanny.

I interviewed well with these families, many parents were very interested in my services. I knew all about breast feeding, breast pumps, stored/frozen milk, bottle warmers, clothe diapers, baby-led-weening, baby sign language, in addition to full house cleaning, errands etc. I had more experience with children than most new parents! I expressed to them I too really wanted children one day, and was excited for the opportunity to work with them. My favorite children to interact with were infants and toddlers. They were the families who needed full time care, after all. They depended on you for almost everything. I liked receiving the constant attention from someone so small, helpless and cute. Watching children learn, grow and experience new things were awesome! I was quickly ranked top in my area for child care on the website I was using. And the smell, the new baby smell is awesome!

Fun in the park with some children I nannied.

When I dropped out/got-kicked-out of BYU-Idaho, I was living homeless with my boyfriend at the time, bouncing home to home, in and out of living in our cars, basements of friends houses. Being a sexually active 18 year old Mormon teen was my families worse night mare. They swore up and down I was going to get pregnant. (nine years later, still no pregnancies!) Luckily, I was perusing a proper sex education for myself, despite not receiving any from my upbringing. While I didn't use nearly enough condoms until my 20's, I learned about ovulation counting and had other forms of sex to prevent having children. There is more than "penis-and-vagina" sex, goobers!

I fell in love with this man, and yes, dreamed of having children with him. (even though it mostly made him cringe) I was taught that you weren't suppose to be sexually intimate with more than one person in your life.... I laugh-cry looking back at that scenario now, because that would have been a terrible idea. Not that I had a great life to begin with, but it would have ruined many more things for me. I was against abortion than; I would have kept any child that came from an unplanned pregnancy. Looking back, I truly feel if I had one more thing weighing on me then, I would have successfully killed myself; which is something I still want by the way, but not the topic today. Gratefully my only pregnancy scare was because I stopped taking the birth control pill due to terrible side effects, and it took me two months to start up my regular periods again.

I remember thinking "this baby is going to be born living in a box!" Gratefully, no babies!

I still wanted children, but not out of wedlock and not when I was homeless and so young.

As my life experiences continued to grow, I did change my mind about giving birth to children. I still desire a family. One I can create, but that isn't in the form of bearing children myself. I considered adoption... Learning about all the orphaned children who never grow up in a home but yet my church was encouraging its members to have three, four, five, six, seven plus children? What?! So I researched and found out that at the age of 25, in the state of Maryland, one can start the adoption/fostering process. That seemed promising. . .Of course there is an in depth assessment made by the state on your well being and stability to be a parent. One in which shallow research informed me, this was completely out of my league.

I was 24 at this time, single with no prospects of marriage but had BIG dreams with my Mary Kay business and wanting to be a stay at home mother; even if that meant being a single mom. Almost every mother figure in my life I knew was a single mom. Why the fuck not? I wasn't waiting on a man to have what I wanted.

I figured I'd cover my ground and get some feed back from my local church bishop. I was already seeing him weekly for counseling and guidance. I told him "I've been considering fostering and adoption when I move out of my dad's and am more stable financially." I remember him telling me he thought that was a good idea, until I mentioned that I'd do it with/ or without a husband/partner. The tone of the conversation got serious quickly when he told me that "the church seriously frowns upon single parenthood for the well being of a child and family." I was a bit taken back and confused. Why wouldn't the church encourage adoption if financially feasible and your application was approved by the state? He made a note that "the Lord's ways are not always man's ways." I just remember the over all feeling I had when the meeting ended being: "There are children who need love and support. Even if it is not me supporting those children, I can't stand behind a church not supporting a child that could have a clean and safe home regardless if it is a single-parent-home."

Fast forward to 2018.... I had yet another suicide attempt. Which left me with felony traffic charges, impatient in a behavioral health unit for month, and discharged into another two-weeks of and all-day, everyday (M-F 8am-3:30 pm) partial hospitalization program. This suicide attempt was a sort of "wake up call" for me. The previous year I was living on somewhat of an uphill, high of mania. I was employed, I was doing better in social settings and with the people in my life. I was making visual, tangible improvements and I was really proud of myself. And even in the manic high from taking another anti depressant, I had a suicide attempt. I'd say it was the best my life had been so far and I still made reckless, impromptu choices.

Toddler cuddles.

Later that year in December, I had my records removed from the cult I was associated with, and thus spiraled myself into an identity crisis. I didn't know who I was anymore. But I sure as hell knew that having a baby would only negatively affect my life. In April 2019, I was sexually assaulted that put the cherry on top of my festering, new, mental health symptoms and I was diagnoses with PTSD.

This is where I say something controversial that many people will disagree with me on. Mentally ill people, such as myself, should not willingly have children. Allow me to clarify. You can meet the diagnosis requirements and have the same mental illnesses as me, and could raise a child better than I could if your treatment is successful and you are improving. I'm talking about people like me who aren't improving, who can't take care of themselves, who rely on the care of others or are possibly on disability. These people should not have or raise children. I should not have children. While there are dozens of circumstances where people don't experience mental illness symptoms until after they had children, or even start treatment from not even being self aware of their life long- struggles; I think most people will agree that this is not an ideal situation to have a child. And if you are self aware enough to have this conversation, you shouldn't willingly have children while you yourself are struggling so much.

There I said it. Regardless of what you think, hurt and broken people shouldn't be raising children until they are no longer hurt and broken. That's one of the many reason I am struggling today; because two hurt and very broken humans decided to have children. If you can't take care of yourself, I firmly do not believe you should or could properly take care of your own. Perhaps if we analyzed my words and opinions of the last two paragraphs you would find "all or nothing" thinking. You'd find something of an elitist view point of what types of humans are acceptable or "who" should have rights. You might than realize it is only coming from a place of hurt, trauma and misunderstanding. You'd find self deprecation. You'd find negativity. I'm aware of how heavy my words and opinions are. But are you aware of how hurtful yours are, when you ask/tell women when they are having children?

But yet, as I was previously told (constantly) that I would change my mind about wanting seven children, which I did, I'm now told that I will change my mind about not wanting children at all. That "give it time" and "you'll find the right man to want to start a family with, you're still young".

Imagine being a lesbian and someone saying that BS to you. It still very much happens!

I give those people some leniency as change does happens. People can evolve and grow. So while I believe it would be a small chance of me significantly improving from my mental illnesses and financially situation enough to want to have children again, I can give the benefit of the doubt that-that small percentage is still possible. But I do not give leniency on people who demean others for living a different way.

Indeed many things in my life, even in wanting children, has been a black-or-white view.

Yes or no.

No shades of grey's.

No maybes.

I don't think and act that way intentionally, it is a gut defensive reaction, but this time I have honestly thought it through, and I don't think children are good decision! When my belief system drastically changed and I FINALLY got to ask myself what I wanted, I didn't know what I wanted, because my whole life I was already "foreordained to be a mother in Zion". This sent red flags up everywhere. A cause for a pause. Having children is the norm, but yet with my new insight and maturity on life, I know that responsibility is NOT for everyone.

Home work with a side of rock salad!

So, what do I want?

I want a family, people to love and spend time with. This doesn't have to be children even though I love them and they make me happy, smile and laugh. Their insight into life is so valuable and important in the world. Their safety and happiness is the most important to me.

I'm polyamerous and can build my own family, of adults. Other adults who may want children I can spend time with. Because I gave myself permission to. Children can be in my life and them not be my own. I can still "mother" and "love" children without pregnancy, child birth or adoption. Just ask any of your children's teachers/professors, they are certified in child care and specialize in education. You can also choose to not want anything to do with children. That decision shouldn't be judged or belittled. What you do with your body and life is your choice. And yet, it is indeed frowned upon.

A comment on my blog called "Children Are Exhausting". Ooof..

People even use it as an insult and have told me "I hope you never have children". I feel you. LOL I really do. I kinda wish you didn't either, but we're too late for that one. Now please vote for my right to a permanent procedure to prevent pregnancy without a husbands signature and endless guilt trip with a giant price tag! Religious zealots merely want to purity shame and tell you to keep your legs closed, when we all know that isn't a viable, useful option for most people, especially those in religion!

I even recall while in the process of applying for disability I was questioned by a women at the Department of Social Services "if there were any children in the household" I could only imagine the disgusted look on my face when I scoffed "I don't have kids and won't be having any." She looked confused and concerned and it seemed she forgot her job for a moment when she said "you really don't ever want kids, you're so young..." Thinking back, I should have replied and told her that her question was incredibly inappropriate to be asking in a place like this. A place where broken homes and poor families come for help because they can't take care of themselves or their children on their own. I'm not saying that poor people shouldn't have children, I'm saying WHY would you willing keep bringing more children into hardship when you can't take care of what you have now? Why do you willingly want that life? I'd like to bet you don't.... But yet you are thoughtLESS in you actions and are woefully irresponsible, while calling out people like myself, who make a mindFUL decision for their lives. (just another black and white example of extremes)

Has the instinct to reproduce decreased because we as the human race can overcome instinct with what we know to be right or good? Is it because we recognize that the earth needs help and love and that one more mouth to feed isn't the answer right now? Is it because we can see our own flaws and know that motherhood isn't the right choice and that mindfully making this decision or not has no bearing on my worth?! YES! YES! YES!

Regardless if the procedure is non reversible I can't possibly see my mental or emotional health getting worse by preventing children indefinably. . . I don't need the sob stories from women who struggle to convince and want children so badly. Even when I wanted children I never understood that struggle. My opinions are often harsh, but I don't understand the need to have YOUR OWN BLOOD children. My blood is full of trauma and it does not need to be passed down. Besides, that instinct seems rather useless to me, because if we are looking at things from primal view points, why the hell are there so many terrible parents who have their children taken from them or people give their kids away if it was their instinct to reproduce? Are we just horny stupid bastards with no parental instincts? Are we are driven to crazed sex with no care for the consequences of those actions?

Can we all just agree that there are many ways to live our lives and that not wanting the responsibility of another human being is not innately bad? Looking out for yourself is hard enough man.

I should be able to have the rights to my reproductive organs and should be able to decide if I do not want children. While I understand that I changed my mind once, it could happen again, it was in the opposite direction. From wanting them, to not wanting them. Women's rights have constantly been subpar to men's, but that topic also isn't today's discussion.

My point is to proudly point out that I no longer want children, and that's okay! If I change my mind, that is also okay. What isn't okay is that doctors prevent me, a 27-year old childless, single, never married woman, from getting my tubes tied because they think I will change my mind again. Someone my age is only allowed to get their tubes tied if they already have a few children and are married with a husband's signature. If that news surprised you, imagine my feelings when I asked my OBGYN about it and was told that isn't a service that is provided, and I'd be hard pressed to find some place that would with my age. Meanwhile, they'd love to sell me other forms of birth control. . .

So stop worrying "who is going to wipe my ass when I am old", worry about why the fuck you would ever expect someone else to do that for you in the first place... I know I won't be alive to find out!

Extra: I found this sub reddit of links and offices of doctors offices to call to get your tubes tied. It is categorized by state! https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctor

Kiddos!