Children Are Exhausting

I don't hate children, I love them. I've spent the majority of my adult career in private child care. I do however have strong negative emotions towards my sisters family.

I'll start by saying, that if I was healthier and independent, I absolutely would not have to be around them, at all, and therefore would likely not have these thoughts by being able to keep a healthy distance from them. And any time I did chose to be around, would fully be my choice and in my control. With that being said, I still live with my dad in his 1800sq ft home. And when they visit they stay on the upper floor (900sq ft.) with me. (it is a split floor residence with two flights of stairs). A family of five, plus my dad and I only using the up stairs portion of the home, because down stairs is not kid friendly, becomes WAY too crowded.. These three children (ages 1-7 )need more room to run around and play.

My opinions may be harsh and it may sound like venting from typical children difficulties, because many typical child behaviors can be overwhelming when left uncorrected. Perhaps it is because I am related, but I honestly have to say that her children are more high maintenance than many I have cared for. My oldest niece, is seven, comes with her own specific care needs. She has something called Hydrocephalus.

Hydrocephalus is characterized by head enlargement in infants. Adults and older children experience headache, impaired vision, cognitive difficulties, loss of coordination, and incontinence Muscular: abnormality walking, instability, problems with coordination, or stiff muscles

Gastrointestinal: nausea or vomiting

Also common: blurred vision, bulging soft spot on a baby's head, delayed development, enlargement of head, headache, high pitched cry, irritability, leaking of urine, memory loss, mental confusion, or sleepiness

And while perhaps not all her learning and physical delays and disabilities are the result of it, they are linked. Her comprehension and communication skills are are closer to a two to three year old. That is when she chooses to be vocal, which she can be, when she sings songs and tells you what she wants to do/eat. Sometimes. But she often chooses to stay quiet. She is easily frustrated with high pitched screams and hits herself when upset. She has also not mastered things like potty training, feeding herself all the time, and writing her name/reading.

My nephew, in my opinion, is the biggest handful out of her three children. Rather the loudest. Right out of the womb he had the ugliest, shrillest, strongest baby cry I've literally ever experienced. He. was/is. terrible. I understand if my sister ever wanted to throw him out the window and start over. OOF. Why was an infant experiencing such distress to sound and acting like that?! One has to wonder?! I love babies. I don't mind when most of them cry. My nephew changed that for me. Completely. I struggle immensely with him, even now at three years old. The thought of him visiting gives me anxiety. Could they just leave that one at home? (that a joke people) *deep sigh*

I do question if he may have a behavioral concern, or even ADHD. But what three year old isn't self centered? I understand that this family has diverse needs, and that if I'm easily disturbed from their behavior, my sister is also under a lot of stress. I will get to that later. Whether lack of getting attention or just his need for constant attention, I believe he acts out on purpose. CONSTANTLY. I understand daily toddler mistakes through child development, but that is not with this is- not to me. Even if my sister says "he gets spanked every day", when my dad attempts to parent her children while they are visiting, telling her she isn't hands on enough. I am not a professional, I am only sharing this is concerning behavior from my experiences, but I do believe if parents were more engaged with play and brain stimulation there would be less acting out and the overwhelming temper tantrums that existed since birth. There simply isn't enough time to give priority to every child, all the time.

I am 100% against spanking/corporal punishment. But I am VERY pro hands-on parenting. I advocate for removing your child/toy from the difficult problem and preventing them from returning until they agree upon better behavior. He understands what he is doing is wrong. He does it anyway. He understands that he should share the toys with a timer. He'd rather no one have the toy if he can't. He understand he needs to put his shoes on and come down stairs. He understands that it's time to eat, but refuses. Simple everyday tasks are meltdowns. This is toddler-hood. But instead of removing him from the situation, they spank him, keeping him there, even though he continues to be a concern. He literally is just taking the physical pain in order to do what he wants. That is what this behavior is programming him to do. Training him to take the pain, for his bad behavior. Because he can.

I recognize you can't always remove your child from circumstances just because they are misbehaving. And you shouldn't. Holding your child accountable in public is just one way to get through poor behaviors and hold yourself accountable for important teachable moments to other parents/children. Like being in a restaurant or birthday party, etc. all warrants corrective behavior in the moment in front of others, immediately. It calls for knowing when is best, sometimes you don't always know what is best. There is no parental guide book.

I'm not a parent, but I will never advocate for spanking as punishment or attempt corrective behavior. For those who say "you can't tell me what to do if you have never been parent." You are basically telling me "Don't tell you wouldn't hit you child if it did X,Y,Z." That is all adult anger being taken out on a child. If you spank you child, I firmly believe you need to be in therapy for anger. Fuck sakes, I'm in therapy for my own issues. Those issues are all reasons why I chose not to have kids. It would be irresponsible.

So I'll just give you an example of a circumstance that could have gone different. I brought up the kiddie pool from the back yard to the deck, filled it with water from the hose, got in my bathing suit and got the kids outside to play in the water. We didn't haven't many "water" toys for them to play with but I found one plastic cup with a silly straw. I got in the small pool initially but none of the children are potty trained yet, and non had a swim diaper on. I chose not to be in the water once they got in fully. Ya know, don't want to swim in kid pee!

My sister's husband and the one year old baby woke up from a nap and joined outside after making the kids lunch and putting sun screen on naked babe. We all sat on patio furniture as the kids played just a foot away. The three year old was on a timer for when he would switch out playing with the plastic cup. I wish my sister and her husband were more interactive with sitting down and actually playing with the kids more frequently, or have them be apart of making food, or doing house chores with some responsibility. Being hands on, eye to eye level playing or trying to discipline to your kids is the best method, but does't happen much at all while they are here visiting my dad's. I've often wondered if they treat being here like a vacation and two more adult eyes are responsible for your crotch gobblins, so they just relax. I don't know what goes on in their day-today-lives at home but angry voices from a chair, counting to 5 before finally getting up to force-share the plastic cup and then spanking- isn't working.

I do not see my sister or her husband working together. They both put each other down, and talk poorly to each other. They did this before children anyways, but that is besides the point at the moment. I literally can't tolerate how they speak to each other. Sarcastic, condescending, hurtful tones. Constantly accusing each other of things. Screaming at each other everyday. I don't think I have ever heard them say "I love you" to each other, or show any PDA for years. The kids say it to each other and the parents, but I've not heard them say it in adult voices, instead of their cooing child like conversations that involve their kids. And this is where poor parenting begins. With the parents. While there are some small humans with big problems, it's usually the result of being in the presence of complicated homes.

The youngest is a one year old, who just started being ween'd from nursing. conveniently they started when they came here. I guess they thought it would be a good start for it, because everyone is spread out in the house the baby doesn't have to sleep with my sister.

NO ONE IS GETTING SLEEP IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE BECAUSE OF IT THOUGH. So yeah, I'm bitter because all the kids scream through the night and wake up constantly.

Everyone is tired, constantly. Isn't that parenthood though? Whether you were consciously aware of the decision or not, you signed up for sleepless nights for decades. The wear and tear is harmful to your health, physically and mentally. Parenthood isn't easy. Ever. It's probably why both my sister and her husband sleep through children crying, the alarms to wake up, and the noises of children playing while they sleep. On several occasions, including their current visitation, my nieces and nephews woke up and do things they aren't suppose to while staying here at my dad's. Unlocking doors and playing outside naked on play equipment in the cold, in the back yard; or going to my room and drawing on carpets with lip stick and my eye shadow pallets. (my door has never had a working lock and I try very hard to spend time at friends houses when the visit) They can't keep an eye on kids all the time. I know that feeling. Accidents happen, but this house is 900 sq ft. There is a gate that prevents them going down stairs and they all sleep in the living room and spare rooms- this is unacceptable.

I believe my sister's relationship with her husband, and who he is as a person, shows the struggle that is happening. I do think my sister trying. She has gotten herself to therapy, she has even tried medication for her mental health, and she is trying to be a better home maker, as a stay at home mom. Read 5157345 for screen shots of her behavior of our relationship prior to therapy. Her husband often leaves her to do so much, by herself. I do not know the extent to which her husbands physical and mental disabilities are, but I know he has some. When they visit's my dads home, he often stays here to nap, in the peace and quiet, as my sister handles 3 kids by herself, running errands, feeding kids and visiting family. Three kids, ages 1-7, all in diapers. It is overwhelming. And she does it all by herself. I have not seen him clean up the home or participate in helping with the kids while she is gone. I understand parents still need adult time to themselves, with out kids and without doing anything involving them, however I will be the first to notice that he gets more of that than my sister ever has. I do not know what he contributes. All hear and see is her frustration, and know that what he is doing is not enough.

There are many people in my family who do not like her husband. My dad is extremely vocal about it, even infront of him, causing many family fights. This is the typical American family. "Together" but dysfunctional. I don't have the answers. It's easy to say "Not my monkey, not my zoo." It just hurts my heart to be the observer of their life style. I know my bitching doesn't really make a difference. I just hate seeing any of the cycle I grew up with of parenting... continue.

I don't chime in and disagree with parenting often. Though I will defend her from my fathers abusive suggestions. I sit and observe, in shame and anger. I can't help these kids. Read Back In My Day to read more about some my dad's views on raising children.

There are no perfect people..... but improvement needs made. I am not capable of parenting her children, that doesn't mean I can't call out abuse when I see it.

I know there probably isn't a more insulting comment coming from someone who doesn't have kids... But there are reasons I've never been pregnant. Some people shouldn't have had kids. And I'm so glad I didn't. They could have ended up like me or my siblings. *sighs*

My nephew being spanked in the bath tub. Volume up to listen to his horrible cries!