Coitus & Dalliance

These types of blogs get the most views. Because my viewers are nosey. Yeah I see you. haha Lucky for you guys I am open and enjoy talking about my life in detail. So what is my sex life like? How has it changed over the years? Has it changed since leaving "the church"?

For as long as I can remember, I've always had a high sex drive. And it started rooted in guilt for even masturbating, or thinking about it. I have memories of intense feelings of embarrassment from being caught by my mother and being asked about it. I never admitted to my parents that I ever masturbated, even though my earliest memories of it started at two years old. (Infant/toddler/child "self soothing" is fairly common- my memory, is not) When I was a teen, I did finally tell my bishop though. That was horrifying. I recall setting up "appointments" during/after church and canceling the appointments for months and months, until I was brave enough to actually go through with it. . . When it finally came, I had written down what I felt the need to admit via writing my "sins" in my journal for him to read. At that time I was certain he knew I was a masturbater. lol Bishops have that special talent given to them by the "spirit of god". I knew he could just see it in my eyes and I felt shame when he asked me to clarify what my cryptic long paragraph said, and this time say it, out loud. I almost puked right there in his office. I told him I was trying my hardest not to and had been working on it, but had slip ups. I don't recall his words that day verbatim, but I do know I left feeling like a weight was off my chest and strange like it wasn't that big of a deal. I was 14/15. That was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. Now thinking back, it was probably beyond awkward for him too. Like why the fuck do children need to tell an adult man in a private room behind doors that they touch themselves? Poor Bishop Greg Harman. . . Creep.

Life has an eb and flow and I'm not the person I was 10 years ago as a teenager. Biological factors including hormones, aging, experience and stress levels all play a roll in the need for using my sexuality. Starting with the feelings of needing to repress those urges, rather than talk about them. My belief system didn't allow me to express them.... which I now find harmful and damaging. Delegating something biological to a fairytale sky daddy I once called Heavenly Father, instead of trusting and educating myself with proven ways to decrease unwanted pregnancies and help myself release tension, is a difficult thing to forgive yourself for. It's also difficult to forgive my guardians and church leaders for... The word I associate with my sex drive from 10-18 was Restrained-

While I kissed a few boys and fooled around, I was also molested at 17 on a date at the movies, before entering into my first sexual relationship at 18. My interest in sex was 2-3x a day. I enjoyed it. Sex gave me boosts of energy, helped me sleep, bond with my partners and learned to explore and understand my body better. During my late teens and early 20's it still gave me over whelming guilt as I fought with my belief system and explored my relationship with god and my sex life together. During this time of my life my sex life is closely defined as curious.

From ages 22 to 25 the word I think I'd pick for my sex drive is indulgent. Seeking fun, different and multiple partners. While in the previous years I had been raped when living in Southern Virginia, I was unaware of needing to stay regularly tested and *always* have condoms on hand. I still blame myself for that rape. I consider myself decently sexually educated and open minded. Consent was of the upmost importance during this new stage of my sex life. It should have always been, had I had a proper education about sex from the start, but I taught myself. I even kept a copy of my clean and negative test results from my STD screening in the glove box of my car. I expected my partners to stay and be tested and wear condoms as well. I was making healthier decisions for my bodies desires.

When women's health nurses, therapists and psychiatrists tried to diagnose my high sex drive with making reckless choices, I reassured them them these were planned events, things I wanted and I was not in prostitution, or being sex trafficked. I was safe and being tested and using condoms. And while my body didn't respond well to other forms of birth control, I was being responsible about my body. I still got the side eye, snide remarks about needing "family planning" and that I was going to get pregnant. I wish I kept those poor women's names. I know your birth control failed you, it was evident by the photos of your family on your desk, look at me now. #ZeroAbortions #Childless Don't treat people like shit for getting laid, ya old hag. Why do you think you see me every 6 months? #SafeSex

Fast forward to 26, turning 27 year old me, happily in a six month and counting romantic relationship. I've tracked my monthly sex life/period. Everyone should. (Download a free app or get a $1 calendar from the Dollar Tree. I draw hearts on the days I have sex.) And from the beginning our relationship in July 2019 at the lowest of four times in one month, to the highest in Dec 2019- at 12 times in one month, I mark this as significant improvement. The word that resonates the most with my current sex life is stable.

Most of my close friends know me to be rather promiscuous sexually when single prior to my assault last April (2019). And when in relationships, fairly insatiable. Conservative judgmental people in my life speculated a sex addiction. And while I can admit to having some spontaneous, unsafe sex in life, the large majority of my sexual encounters have been safe, protected and I stayed regularly tested every 3-6 months for STI's. Always clean, for you nosey fucks. :)

Going from, 3X a day to less than 3X a week/month has left me feeling a bit empty, confused and hurt. Where did my sex drive go? Is this lesser desire for sex healthier? Is that implying my former desire was unhealthy? I have so many questions and I'm here to tell you some answers I've found during my search; some come from myself and others from professionals.

I'm healing from a sexual assault and struggling with mental health symptoms that make sexual intimacy difficult for me. Especially with flash backs. I even did a few months of online live caming after my sexual assault. I think it was my way of controlling my sexual encounters fully going forward. My current boyfriend has seen a part of me I never knew existed. Which is a consistent, seeming perpetual, state of "disinterest". While my sex drive is slowly recovering, and increasing, I still miss feeling horny. It's a good feeling to me. It's the feeling of confidence and sexiness that I haven't felt much lately since my most recent sexual assault. Many people would find the things I discussed today too taboo to admit publicly, but for me, through my eyes with my numerous mental illnesses that plague me with sadness, depression, numbness and dread on a regular basis, sex has been that one thing that has helped me love myself and feel good about myself even for just a few minutes/hours. Talking about it now is empowering.

My current interest and sexual pleasure still has not returned fully. (9 months later.) There are several things that trigger me and I no longer enjoy the same, or at all. (including but not limited to spanking, bondage, and anal sex) For what once served as a coping skill, or a vice if you will, has seemingly vanished without my permission. I admit to having sex with my current boyfriend when I wasn't interested because I knew he wanted it. I know I wanted to want to have sex, so I equated this phenomenon to me wanting to want to exercise, or loose weight. And just like exercise, you do it anyways, because it's good for you, right? Even if you don't enjoy it every time. (NOT EXACTLY) We've since opened that line of communication and discussed he would prefer I'm interested every time we have sex. He does not want me doing favors or make it a chore. I thanked him for this honesty, but it still makes me happy to provide sexual pleasure even when I'm not in the mood. He asks me every time for consent now. It's cute.

Your body mind and soul under goes changes through out your life. And this includes hobbies like sex. Loving myself was difficult when people thought I had an addiction. Loving myself now feels wrong because I don't feel like myself to begin with. I am, however, beyond blessed to have a partner who wants to work with me through my trauma's, even though they are currently manifesting at high volumes, making the things I use to love completely unenjoyable right now.

Basically, do you. Do others. Consent first. Get therapy so you stop wetting the bed from PSTD and your boyfriend can spank you without you having a flash back and crying while you catch your breath, curl into a ball and shake uncontrollably, changing your intimacy from sexy time to "let it out" in a matter of seconds. And LOVE your fucking self already!

Special thanks to my editor: MC_hammer