Domestic violence - 3 Powerful Women

This is a topic that pulls at my heart strings. I've watched as abusive relationships has hurt so many people in my life. This topic has potential to be long winded- but I'll do my best to stay on topic.

The first person I witnessed go through this was my mother. It traumatized me profoundly. It started with my biological father; they had 13 years of marriage. I was about ten when the divorce started and they lived in separate homes. I watched as my mother wore herself into insanity with CPS, court dates, bills, child support, custody, and trying to fight her depression by herself with no time or money for professional mental health. Every morning she biked roughly 10 miles-cross county style- before we woke up for school. I thought she was super woman.

Her 2nd marriage only lasted a few months. My brother and sister and I came home to a bloody and bruised mother. It happen over a weekend we were at our dad's. Because of protective orders between my parents we usually met at a gas station between our houses. When we got in the car, I knew something was wrong. She asked when we got home to stay in the living room for a chat. And the 10 mins car ride was uncomfortably silent. She was bruised- her face, arms and body, sitting with us on the sofa together as we all cried- it still stings remembering it. She told us we were safe and he would never be coming back. Things were missing from our home because he stole them and we struggled financially because he cleared her bank account, beat her to a pulp, and left. I was 13.

To her now her 3rd marriage. An alcoholic who goes untreated for his severe mental illnesses. He verbally, emotionally and sexually abuses my mother. And while I never witnesses physical abuse, I wouldn't put it past him. I lived in his home from 15 to 18. She is still married to him. Our relationship is non existent because of it. (click here to read full Mom blog.)

I was fucking cute. Also I broke my brothers foot.

I watched it all happen while growing up around it; it's traumatizing. The family denies seeing it, that it even exists or know what it is, because they too have been abused and/or are abusers themselves. Some will never escape their abusers or abusive qualities. hey don't believe they are abusive or being abused. My mother doesn't believe in anything can get better, she thinks this is the best she can get in life. She's never had anyone to love her properly. Securely. SAFELY. And it's sad. I know of two other very important people in my life with similar stories. Some more physically abusive. Others financially crippling, or isolating. Taking over their lives blindly. Impregnating them to try and make them stay. Survivors of domestic violence often claim they they couldn't see what was going on as it happened; if they did they over looked it, until they hit their rock bottom. It's different for everyone. How much will you take?

While I've never had a domestic violent romantic relationship, I know what they look like. I hope to never be apart of one. (giving or receiving) Does that mean that it won't happen? Sadly no, it doesn't. Proper self esteem and good character judgement helps us make good choices for safe people in our lives; but terrible people exist and sometimes we let our guard down. Sometimes you can't get away- financial or legal reasons.

I watched as my high school best friend, 8-months pregnant in my home, look mortified as her husband bragged about how he got his most recent very large and infected looking wound on his hand. He "fought off bad people in an ally" and "disarmed him from his knife." The tension in the room made my face burn and she looked like she might be sick. I was asking prying questions about her safety- the wound was fresh, not even scabbed, and she was about to give birth to her 1st baby girl this month! Did you report this? What happened next? But I stopped when answers didn't come and she looked uncomfortable. Things didn't add up.

About 6 months later, she was in town to see her brothers' graduation and I finally got to meet her newest addition to her family. While driving her and her little one back to the air port, we got stuck in traffic. Even though I already knew the answer, I finally undid the knot in my stomach and asked her if Kevin had ever hit her. I couldn't make eye contact with her. She had never come out and told me, but I needed her to know I already speculated. So she took a moment to answer and confided to me that he had. That hug at the airport filled me with tears as she got in a plane back home to that ass hole.

In our next visit, just months later in her home -while he wasn't around- she confessed again she had to fight him off once with a knife. She either had forgotten the incident earlier that year in my home or didn't think I remembered to put things together. SHE WAS FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE as he told lies to my face to make her feel small and helplessness while sitting on the floor in the home of her best friend.

Thank goodness she made it out alive. She lives far away from him in safety now. He went to jail (again) recently this time for animal abuse. But our friendship is dead and never to return. (Her words, not mine.) She is a changed and broken woman. Most people are when they leave the sadness of another controlling you. I'm definitively an outsider looking in, but the affects of domestic violence is nerve wracking even to the people it's not happening to. You can't save them. They have to choose to leave. (Click here to read the full blog on "A Letter to an Ex Best friend- Moving On")

Woman number three is the mother of that ex best friend. She was my vocal teacher I met in High School and good friend as I reached adulthood. She was my second mom, she offered me a place to live when I was homeless. When I met her my junior year, she was newly divorced. She was another single amazing mom. Once remarried, similar behavior surfaced- Isolation, her self expression and fun was gone. Voice lessons stopped. The artistic musician I loved disappeared. I don't have much to share on her story as she was always more of a private person. She just cut me and everyone, out.

I still showed up unannounced, left voice mails on birthdays, flowers and sweet notes on door steps- because I'm that annoying friend. Unless you tell me to stop or go away, I won't. (I LOVE YOU, EXCEPT ME DAMMIT!) But she rarely replied. Until early summer 2017 when her divorce was final, I get a random text around 7pm that asks me if I want to go to a bar for live music and celebrate her new finalized freedom and singleness. I've never been invited out by her before. Up until then we didn't have a close adult friendship- yet- it had mostly been student/teacher- roll model relationship. When you invite an extremely extroverted person out to a fun time with someone they admire- our hearts explode! She's back! Of Course I said yes! But it put things in perspective, why had she not asked someone else? We were a few decades in age apart- that never mattered to her- but surely there was someone who might understand her better?

She chose me. -sniffles happy tears-

Our friendship began to blossom and she slowly told me some of the horrible manipulation of her ex husbands. The switch from childhood role model to adult best friend was quick and I embraced it. Impromptu trips to the beach, sleep overs, live music, dinner dates, cry sessions, back yard tanning, voice lessons started back up. . . Our friendship since then has ended (hopefully just taking a break), a story for another day perhaps. I admire her courage to do better for herself! She deserves it and I hope she can break the cycle of abusive men in her life.

The affects of domestic violence are present in my life, it's so hard to watch loved ones stay and be abused. It's not just those three women in my life affected by domestic violence, just the 3 that were closest to me. You loose yourself, you can loose your friends. These 3 women could have lost their lives.

If any of this resonates feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! If it's not safe to do so, please use/share the resources below.

Resources:

www.thehotline.org

Text Love is to 22522

www.loveisrespect.org

I still miss you!