Get Well Soon

Your pain and emotions are valid.

Period.

We all have feelings and emotions. Some feel a larger range than others. Some feel them more intensely than others. They are all valid.

But not all serve you well if you can't cope with them. This I know, because I honestly don't cope with my PTSD well at all. AT. ALL.

When I was confronted with or finally saw the truth in things in my life... (My Racism, my bigotry, toxic traits, etc...) it hurt and I felt vulnerable. I was often defensive because I disagreed, but later realized how much of a racist bigot I was. I have felt defeated over realizing how long of my life I lived that way. Sometimes I feel a giant range of uncontrollable emotions at once, often times due to my PTSD and occasionally it lead to self harm. Force inducing my body to create dopamine at my request, to block out all other overwhelming painful emotions. Cutting and strangulation are my go to's. It is what you do with strong emotions that is important. Or so I'm told, by professionals. I'm no master, just a forever student.

Emotions can even include wishing someone else kill themselves already so you can "finally be able to take a breathe of relief" and saying it out loud to a public audience. Anger is hard.

There is plenty wrong with me. Apathy for starters, nihilism, hoarding technology, compulsive over truth sharing because I feel as though no one ever believes me. Lot's of things wrong. The list is really endless.

Sometimes we think things, and other times we say and do them. But those emotions are still valid. Valid doesn't make it right or kind or to do. But they are valid. Because they are emotions and there are no right or wrong emotions. They are merely things we feel that inspire us how to think and act. I struggle with anger too but in different ways, for intentional self destruction. Suicide ends all of life's problems whether you want to believe it or not, because you ended life itself. I know there are people who will vainly argue "it causes problems for others when you do..." bla bla bla.... Suicide in this regard isn't meant for one person. It's meant for all. If you and everyone else alive, killed themselves there would be no worldly problems. The end. No humans. No problems. Your consciousness ceases to exist, according to my set of beliefs. You get what is in this life, right now. Nothing more. And the thought of nothingness afterward is so beautiful to me. (forever doesn't exist in an observable way)

I understand this view point is brash. It's suppose to be. Things that make you angry, things like suicide, aren't always rational. Our emotions become so difficult we can sometimes loose control of our actions. We say and do things we don't mean. I've done it many times. It's learning the ability to feel those emotions but not act recklessly during those emotions to cause harm to yourself or others. (I hurt myself and others all the time.) We should also use this time to challenge our beliefs.... Where is the person who can see through the darkness, reflect and say "Woah Kirsten, those are some harsh words towards your sister, but what if Meghan and her husband really do abuse her kids?" What then? Do any of us really know what happens behind closed doors? Have you all been visiting each other during this Covid Quarantine?

*Side note* I'm still trying to logically understand/challenge why I still wish my past suicide attempts worked, things like driving myself on purpose into a tree at 75mph, but also trying to heal myself if I can't be successful at killing myself. Gotta get some serotonin somewhere, am I right? Confusing. I know.

We think that because we love someone- "Anyone who knows us knows we love our children very much"- that we can't ever do them harm. . But abusive families aren't exposed until the victims speak up. Her children aren't capable of doing so. Not any time soon. Abusers don't usually expose themselves or acknowledge their problems until they are starting to heal. Just look how long it took me to come forward about my childhood trauma. Neither one of our parents ever spoke openly about abusing us. Instead they say "we did the best we could". We deserve a fucking apology for the messed up people they are/were. Just because something is legal doesn't make it right. Hanging black people in trees and having parties, dancing music, celebrating murder was legal not even 100 years ago... Didn't make it right. And neither is my sisters definition or frequency of "spanking".

This is the story of abusive families. Speak out about it. Start change and growth. Share your truth with the world. It's the only way people can improve. Being under a microscope holds people accountable. Do you know when the beatings at home stopped when I was a kid? When I was 10 and CPS came to my elementary school and asked me how, when and where I was beat. (and again two times later as well as several court hearings about our families safety) And I described to them that my dad would pull my underwear down, ask me to kneel over his thighs. And WAIT to hit me with his hand or a belt. He told me the expectation of it was a good precursor to the spanking itself. Even when I would put my hands over my butt to ease the blow. He'd hold my hands down as I wailed. CPS taught me that I could put my parents in jail for their behavior. THANK YOU CPS.

I don't.

When my sister says things like:

"I'm so angry, I almost put pants on and drove to MD braless to kick her ass and teach her a lesson." over a blog post- she wants to hurt OTHERS to help herself and frustration decrease. She told me that is what physically hurting other people does for her. Release.

I do not physically hurt people on purpose but my self harm cutting/strangulation gives me a similar release. Honestly, I totally recommend self harm over physically hurting others if you can't find a better release. Hurting other people is abusive. Hurting yourself is a whole different ball game. I do know a thing or two about wanting others to hurt like I do so I'm not alone.... She seems to have this struggle too. You aren't the only one who gets off on hurting other people. A special warm welcome to Rhodes family, Meghan.

None the less, there are healthier coping skills to learn. I am not a master at coping skills either, but I have learned several, and I don't hit children. PERIOD. One of my coping skills is blogging. I took to blogging and published my first one June 10, 2019 (Happy 1 year of Blogs!) Lower case g after I was raped and lost the support of my therapist. I created my own place to vent creatively through emotion. A place that was mine. A place to share my deepest secrets that no longer had to be secrets. Have at me, I have nothing to hide. But not everyone likes my blog or the things I write about.

Probably because my blog is about me, my life, and my views, and most people don't like me. Oh well. I don't like many other peoples coping skills either. I can't help other people. I can only help me.

I know it's not as simple as "don't read it", "don't click it" and "don't share it". The truth is captivating and people are drawn to consuming difficult media. It's proven over and over with how quickly negative news is shared vs. positive things. (humans suck, I know) But this is my blog. This is my space to share what life is like through my eyes. It's dark, it's emotional.

Reviews from my blog have ranged from:

• Negative

• "Nasty" - Blog Member, haleyrepp629

• "made me happy cry" said my best friend Petra..

• "Courageous and Brave." and "I cried my way through your latest blog" and "Sad and enlightening"- Sharlee Ritz

• Open & Vulnerable

• Passionate

• Insane

• Mentally Unstable

And you know what? That's my life. Sounds like a book I'd read honestly. All of those things are apart of my life. So say what you want, I don't hide from my life, not one place of my life is sacred. I BREATHE SELF DEPRECATION. (another obvious flaw) Anyone can know anything they want to know about me. Ask. I bet that kind of open honestly is scary or painful to think about. Because most are afraid of judgement. We are taught that "Shouldn't you be ashamed of the person you have become, the things you did if they are wrong, bad or difficult etc.?" I feel like questions like those are based on morality. And morality is bias on environmental upbringing and/or theology. Which is incredibly diverse. Long story short, I don't give a fuck. Think back to the nihilistic view points about me believing everyone should kill themselves. . . . It's okay to not see eye-to-eye with me. I', 5'0, most aren't as short as me anyways. You'll never have to. But you don't have to live with me. I do. So I'm going to keep writing. Because that is my coping skill. Because sometimes I can't take myself. So I blog.

Therapy. More therapy. Always more therapy. It doesn't work for everyone, and there are still abusers out there. Because trauma causes Mental illness. Which is how we all got here. I know my sister refuses to be as transparent about her life to the capacity I have, that is her choice. She tells others that I'm a "compulsive liar" when I have nothing to benefit from lying. Nothing at all. I just want those kids safe.

The truth us ugly. The truth hurts. But the truth has set me free. I am not blameless what so ever. I talk openly and freely about ALL my issues. I'm a fairly self aware person. But being self aware doesn't stop me from saying or doing hurtful things to myself or others.*ahem* mental illness. Apparently "It doesn't give you any right to share hard things about others lives". Why isn't sharing MY life my right? Oh right, because you didn't like it.

None the less... I've got good news....

The past four months I haven't had a therapist, it has been total hell. Nothing in my life has been good since 2017.... Nine therapists ago.... .Dr. John Brown, physiologist's office was closed from 3/13/20- 6/01/20. And I did not have an actual "therapy session" since February of this year. I've only had *one* intake paper work appointment with John until this month. He had me complete an extensive series of test online that took about 35 minutes. (roughly 300 questions) to give me a proper Up-To-Date Diagnosis with all my current and new health symptoms! #2 cause to celebrate in this post. 'm not bipolar! I do however have Anxiety, depression and PTSD. He didn't mention Borderline, but I already know it's there! Happy for a proper and updated diagnosis from a professional in his field.

I digress, I feel good about my recent blogs. And if any of my actions helps prevent the future abuse of those three children- that's all that really matters. That they are safe. Everything else? Just words.