Lower Case g- Why I left The Mormon Church

Why did I leave? In short, the religion no long reflected who I was. And it definitely wasn't who I wanted to be either.

Things like being shamed for modesty & chastity, the hate towards the LGBTQ+ community  and not conforming to the culture was a concern but that wasn't what made me leave. I was still living my 'Mormon'- but more importantly Christian life- more liberally; with belief in the Latter-Day Saint doctrine.

Until had another suicide attempt in Jan 2018. I blamed god for keeping me alive, when I clearly made the choice to end my life. I became angry when I realize it was just science and probable luck that kept me alive.

I then met a therapist I only had for 3 weeks. 3 sessions. Just, 3-hrs. He asked me a question about prayer. I thought prayer was one of my most important gifts within my faith. As I had modern day, personal revelation and instruction for myself- anytime I communicated with god. Until my therapist asked me "How do you know it's the same god answering on the other end each time you call in?" 

I sat there and thought of what the church had taught me to say "I get a peaceful feeling when I know the spirit is with me. That is the spirit of god." But that thought did not define even half of my daily prayers. Not all my prayers were peaceful. Most of my time with "god", at that point, was from anger or spite. Besides, Mormon's weren't even monotheistic. We were simply instructed to only worship one god, Heavenly Father. I then realized I had no answer for him. It could have been anyone on the other end of that line pretending to be god. And that bugged me. In reality, my intuition and good nature thoughts were what kept my prayers answered. I may have been spiritually inspired. But it was not from the christian god....

I was angry with that therapist. Who could have asked such a question during my time of need? God was "the only thing getting me through life" up until that point. I truely and honestly believed in his existence, that he was a real person. I still have to un-capitalize his name and pronouns as I type this. It's so ingrained. But he's not a proper noun to me anymore.

 So there it was. Prayer. My very communication with "Heavenly Father" had been questioned. I thought I just "knew" and "had faith".  I didn't anymore. 

And you know what? That's fucking fabulous. I didn't feel fabulous in that therapists office though. He saw me break and cry. Even tried to make me feel better and tell me "throw yourself fully back into your religion, go on a mission!" I scoffed at his request. I thought to myself "I'm not morally clean or chase, I don't believe in everything the church teaches, why be a spokes person.....for a church I wasn't even.....?" And then I cried some more. I wasn't even Mormon anymore. Just saying I was because it was all I knew. It was my identity, my entire life.

 I'm still questioning my journey. But knowing that this life is mine and I live for me, is way better than living for someone else. And that's my opinion, because no one else is living my life for me.

Soooooo details of leaving the Mormon church... It was Novemeber 2018 when I came to the conclusion I was ready to remove my membership. So I texted my bishop. We met. We talked. We cried. He huged me, told me that he understands,  loves me, and respects my decision and that I know what to do if/when I want to come back.

Even though I'm pretty sure he knew I'd never return. He knew I was gone. For good. And indeed it is good. I was instructed to write a letter to the church stating my wishes and intentions. Mailed it to the bishop, and in two-ish weeks I received a letter back from Salt Lake City on Dec 20th, 2018 stating:

" ....in accordance with your request your name has been removed from the membership records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints."

 I keep that letter in a shoe box with my patriarchal blessing and all my feel-good,  past boyfriend love notes, birthday cards, etc . I can still log onto my lds account, but it just says "loading". Not sure what that means.

I'm a free woman now. And I like this new me. I'm not angry at the church or myself for choosing to stay in religion for so long. Or even angry for leaving. It has many benefits; community

, weekly congregation, service opportunity, wholesome fun, free food. But I can still attend those functions without that belief system. It's not for me, not anymore.

You have been down graded to a lower case g.