Before and After

I saw a woman on Facebook make an inspiring post that I wanted to do for myself.

Her post compared her life from being an active Mormon on a mission to who she is today. Still living her truth in both. It was a beautifully written and very inspirational. So I'm going to attempt modify it to my life and quote her when it is directly her words.

October 2020- Photography by Double Shutter Photography

September 2015

"In the first picture I am living my truth, in the second picture, I am also living my truth." In the first picture I’m wearing a crop top while being kissed by my boyfriend of over a year, who I live with. In the second picture I am half hugging my sweet missionary friend after a beautiful and enlightening LDS Relief society meeting. (her last Sunday in my city!) In the first picture I am depressed, in the second picture, I am also depressed. The difference? There are so many! But one consistent truth is my poor mental health.

The important thing to note is that I was exactly who I was meant to be in that first picture and I am exactly who I am meant to be in the second. "I’ve been thinking a lot about my life’s trajectory lately and am brought to tears by how easy it is to see that in every chapter of my life...", I was and I will likely always be struggling with my mental health. With "god" and without "god".

"All I have to remember is I am where I am meant to be. It’s called life. It’s called evolution. It’s called growth. It’s called authenticity. It’s called spirituality. Its called enlightenment. It’s called fate. It’s called guidance. It’s called freedom. It’s called love. I felt it all in these two moments and I feel them today. Our lives are no coincidence. We are meant to live them to the fullest and experience all that mortality has to offer."

I can honestly say that the woman I am today loves the women in those two pictures. I love the brave girl who went to church and sat in the pew by herself since the age 12 to escape her toxic family upbringing. I loved that I followed what my heart thought to be truth and went out and did service with those missionaries. And I love the free spirit who lives in a loving relationship, with the intent of adding others to my love life, with out the burden or goal of marriage. To live with the soul purpose to love and be loved by many. To fully explore my body and sex life freely and unashamed. I love that I am myself in these two pictures. I love that I’m Kirsten. And the best part? I’m me in both and always improving! I did not digress.

There is often a plethora of toxic and hateful things said in the religious community about "I can't see the light in their eyes anymore since they left the church." Not only is it hurtful, it is wrong. Seeking to invalidate others experiences and life because "the spirit is no longer with them, you can't feel it around them anymore." No Negative Nancy, that's called hate and discrimination. What you bring to the table is often what you eat. You see what you want to see. And I have had this done to me as well! Feel free to read Roger Buxton, a blog where a woman claims that I have stated that "I've never been happier." When in fact, it's more like I've never been happy. lol Again, leaving mormonism didn't make me a happier human, it made me a better human!

My Facebook friend and fellow ex-mormon shared a very positive outlook on how she was simply happy and doing her best in life at both times. Sadly this is not what everyone feels when they leave a religious cult. And it definitely isn't how I always felt during the past two years of reflection. But I liked what she said so much I wanted to incorporate it into my own journey. The mormon cult damaged me and many others! I am healing and I would like to get to a spot that honors and understands that my past was apart of getting to where I am now. That doesn't mean everyone has to struggle like I did to become great people.

This also doesn't belittle my mental illnesses. This doesn't make my journey any less important or less real. And this doesn't validate the false narratives that "those who leave their religion and become atheists are unhappy" It's a pretty terrible thing to think that I was "so much happier as a Mormon", when I remember intentionally not talking about how suicidal I was all the time, even in my vented-angry, tear-filled journal entries I kept daily/weekly, (per church instruction) because I was taught at church that my family in the generations to come would be reading my journals. I felt great shame for my thoughts of ending my life as frequently as I did as a child, and rarely wrote about them in fear of what others, even people I would never meet would thing. Just because you choose to believe that someone is a happy, obedient-faith-follower, doesn't make it true. Who is someone else to judge my happiness or depression levels? Well, the non medical doctors that is....

All that being said, so much has changed about me between those photos. Between those moments of life. It would be wrong not to include the death which I mourned for me completely changing and becoming agnostic-atheist. This blog is one blip of my life and the things that move me to where I am headed. Healing and feeling whole and purposeful, for maybe the first time ever!

Special thank you to Kassidy Davis who inspired this blog today!

Xoxo,

Me