Roger Buxton

My choices don't make me better than you, they make me different than you.

Some people fear for their daily Facebook memories from years past, I enjoy it. I like to see the progress I have made. I like to see the people I use to know, who have forgotten me and moved on with their lives. People I use to be friends with in seasons past. My generation was the generation that made Facebook BIG, I'm not sure most would say that is a good thing, but I'd like to say that for my teenage life, it kept me sane to have a way to keep in touch with people that my family hid me away from. Sheltered me by saying they "couldn't afford a phone" and I "didn't need one anyway". My mother also grounded me from church so I couldn't see the people I loved or do the things I liked. I didn't go anywhere or do much of anything without careful watch and supervision. I rarely left my house but for school. I even had special, never before given, permission from church leaders to do seminary, daily church classes, over the phone! Which I excelled in. I was told that if I did well in school, colleges would love me, I may even get scholarships that would take me far away from my abusive family. And so I focused on that, even as my mental health plummeted.

Part of my journal entry at age 14. To read it all click my link to my blog about it!

My mental health started off poor as a child with Adverse Childhood Experiences. I write about many of them here in my blog. These experiences put your health at rick and can cause social difficulties. "As your ACE score increases, so does the risk of disease, social and emotional problems." And yes, there is a test for this. To put it simple there are 10 types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE test. You can find it here.

"With an ACE score of 4 or more, things start getting serious. The likelihood of chronic pulmonary lung disease increases 390 percent; hepatitis, 240 percent; depression 460 percent; suicide, 1,220 percent.

(I scored a 7.)

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences."

And my toxic stress and trauma didn't stop at childhood. From multiple sexual assaults to several suicide attempts, my cult bringing with being Mormon and my continued family drama into my young adult life. You can read about every single one of these things, right here on this website, my blog.

So what does any of this have to do with the title "Roger Buxton"? He is the father of my mormon high school boyfriend. Hunter and I have had an interesting back ground. And for the sake of keeping things more concise with my tendencies to be long winded; Hunter and I, until recently, remained friends over the years. Not always close friends, but kept in touch. Pen pals on his mission, hand written letters, going to his mission homecoming party, phone calls, flirting, etc. (Staying in contact and having high regard for my ex's and wanting to remain friends, I found to be my first hint that I was polyamerous. Which is a totally different topic than today.)

Last year exactly this time, according to my Facebook memories, was when my friendship with Hunter ended. I caught him in a lie he didn't like. He tried to gaslight me and treated me poorly because of it. The lie? That he was never atheist/questioned mormonism. I remembered the exact day he told me via text he struggled on his mission ever believing. I had a weird dream that he told me he "didn't believe in god anymore", I thought it was weird and texted him. He replied "I thought I already told you." He told me that he thought the mission would help him find god along the way, and never did. As an actively practicing mormon at the time, it broke my heart. For him to deny this ever happen and now that I was exmormon and had my records removed I was projecting onto him, was offensive.

"projecting"

More lies and saying I'm projecting

Calling my mental illnesses psychic...

Lucky for me, I had proof of his lies. The day he told me he wasn't mormon anymore caused me much sadness and I screen shot it. You can read more of the important screen shots in this link "Yo mama so..." below. This was several years and phones ago and the photo was on my lap top now. At the time I thought god came to me in a dream to look out for my friend. Telling me Hunter's secret. I thought it was my job to befriend him through his faith crisis and continue to be his friend even though we didn't believe the same things. Mormons have a culture of isolating those that leave the faith. His family was from Utah- uber mormon folks, and while his mother was more liberal and artistic, his father who caused Hunter several adverse-childhood-experiences through his addiction.... I didn't know if he had a supportive network, as he was living in heart of Utah and going to the beloved BYU.

His actions and words hurt me so much that day, as he denied past conversations ever happening, basically saying I was crazy. Even though much of our friendship after he no longer believed, was based on that fact. Even discouraging me to go to the temple anymore and congratulating me on leaving the church. So I made our conversation public and tagged all his family members in the post. He lied to me, maybe he lied to them too? He found out hours later, told me I was mean and blocked me on all his social media platforms, asking me to never contact him again. His mother blocked me as well, but proceeded to find my blog and email me there. I wrote a blog and documented screen shots of her and Hunters messages to me here Yo Mama So... While it wasn't my secret to share, I was applaud he tried to make me sound crazy for denying something so important to us both.

Never before seen teen Kirsten journal entry. haha Sadly the page next to it was an entry that spewed homophobia filthe.

She made reference comparing the me "now", leaving the church, to her husband fucking up their family during his addictions and struggle with mental illness. She claimed the me she use to know when I was in adolescence, was one of stronger faith and healthier mind and warned me of my dark path that is going to consume me. I don't know Roger's upbringing, other than he was Mormon too. I have a hand written letters of Hunter telling me while in France on his mission that his Mothers day call home to his family; Mormons previously only allowed missionaries to video chat with family 2X a year while serving for two years. Mother day and Xmas, he talk to his father now sober and back as an active mormon member! He said "I don't think I ever had a conversation with him when he wasn't drunk, high, or going through withdraw since I was 14." I met Hunter when he was 16 at a church prom/dance. I was 17. The affects of his father were already setting in and we bonded over our troubled families and depression. We were both musicians and liked a lot of the same bands. He was my first kiss at a Nickleback, Three Days Grace and Buck Cherry concert. (Hunter also lied about me being his first kiss too. . . He's always been a liar it seems, even over trivial things)

Kathryn was right about one thing, the dark path she thinks is going to consume me, does have something to do with the mormon cult. Last year was only the first year of me having left the church, 2019 was a year of discovery, bereavement and mourning. There are psychological studies that show how leaving a cult is like mourning the death of a loved one. 2020 while difficult in many ways, was better than years past. This Christmas was the first Christmas that was remotely pleasant since before the age of 9. Before my parents told me Santa wasn't real and began years of fighting through divorce. This was the first year I said no to all biological family get-togethers. Setting important boundaries. This was the first year I wasn't living with a family members home, but my own with my loving partner, Sean. I spent it with his amazing family instead. His mother is a saint to my sins! Not to diminish my new mama's character, but I presume now most mothers were like her. Being out of a cult and toxic abusive family has taught me that the world isn't as ugly as it always was for me growing up. Maybe there is hope!

The symptoms of my mental illness seem directly corresponded with the mormon cult and my family. Environmental and biologically. (yes genetics!) And while I can't get rid of or change my genes, I can control my environment now. With several less toxic factors in my life I'm hoping I can focus on healing and treating the core of my mental illnesses and suicidality. And neither of those things have anything to do with a loss of god in my life.

With all those words now out in the world, I'll share the inspiration for this blog.

Through my facebook memories, even though both Hunter and his mother blocked me, his sister did not. Curiously, neither did his father, Roger. And thus some Facebook stocking. I had a sad chuckle over his most recent public posts.

Sad that Kathryn compares me to her 1st and now 3rd husband. (does he really count as a third if the 1st and 3rd was the same person? lol)

A man who blames his "beliefs" and "views" lead him to addiction. (Mormonism perhaps! Cult will do that!)

His addiction wasn't noble.

Him neglecting his family he created by spending all his money on drugs and booze didn't make him a social prophet.

The only time I saw Roger was him looking homeless in his beat up old car, the only thing his family could afford when he dropped off Hunter on our date meeting spot at the Ma and Pa's steak house called Hoss's in PA. He didn't wave, or get out of the car. It's only a blink of a memory now.

Apparently at the end of his path was depression. Which was the beginning of my path starting at 12. . . Suicidal depression, at that! I have never turned to drugs or illegal substances though. I also never had children I couldn't/ didn't take care of either.

So again I say. "My choices don't make me better than you, they make me DIFFERENT than you."

Katheryn said "When Roger, Hunters dad, first left the church.... he sounded a lot like you. He said he had never been happier. I have seen this many times with people that is always how it starts. But than, when no one is watching anymore, the natural consequences of leaving the safety of Heavenly Fathers commandments and his light that we connect with when we pray and things.... well it's darker and lonelier and not peaceful. He finally decided to come back to the light after he lost me, and he found true peace."

#1 I wasn't happy when I left the mormon cult. AT. ALL. I'm still suffering the repercussions of living in a cult for so long.

#2 What does she mean when she said "when no one is watching anymore?" (sounds creepy that she was watching me before?)

#3 I'm pretty sure I'm doing great on the 10 commandments, she just didn't think so because in mormonism there are THOUSANDS of commandments.

His post just reminded me again of Kathryn's false accusations of how similar her now sober husband is to me. *vomits in my mouth*

She continued "When Roger was choosing a dark path he would talk about honesty and he thought he needed to publish everything in order to be honest, but displaying everything angry and sad and disconnected only fed and increased those things for him."

Looking back on past things or talking about truama is often how trauma survivors are able to heal. It's an integral part of Psychological healing in therapy. Something I believe this woman needs a lot more of. This woman was criticizing two blogs I wrote, one that mentioned my mother in a bad light. Talking about the truth of a cult brings awareness and peace. Something that she is looking the other way for and now calls herself an "apologist" for the vile mormon history of racism, child brides, pedophiles and more. Apparently talking about sad things, even if they are the truth, will leave me disconnected and will only increase my mental health symptoms? Kathyrn is justifying lying and covering up the truth for the sake of staying in her cult, lying is one of those 10 commandments by the way. *wink wink* And just because it makes someone sad and angry that my mother wasn't the woamn she believed she was, doesn't make my ilness worse. It means I can set health boundaries now. Away from toxic people. Sadly this train of thought is likely why she went back to her abusive husband. What do I know though, I've never dated or married an abusive man! She certainly isn't my role model.

I am grateful that Roger got his shit together and is sober. It's a shame he returned to mormonism. People think holding on to memories is what harbors hard feelings, but my PTSD gives me hard feelings for no reason other than it wasn't processed correctly when I first experienced it. Wanting to tell my story and journal my life as an ex mormon doesn't make me anywhere near a drug-addict-dead-beat-father. When you try to weave religion into severe mental illness, you get Kathryn. When you neglect your mental health and make excuses for yourself, you get Roger. Let us HOPE we are neither of these people and instead seek for truth, knowledge and education. Education, not faith, is what will sincerely help people with mental illnesses!

Homecoming Hunter and I.

I'm proud to say one year later from this experience the only thing I regret is reacting out of emotion so quickly. I never got a reply from Hunter about my saved screen shots proof, because I scared him away with my public shout out and tagged his family before I got to them on my computer. I'll never know what he might have tried to say about them. Probably say I fabricated the texts and they aren't real. I'm glad these people have made their way out of my life. Between the lying, fairy tales, abuse, addiction and gaslighting... I guarentee that Hunter and his siblings score high on the ACE test too. Here's to HOPPING he becomes a better person and leaves mormonism or at least gets the fuck away from those people!