Bubbles
- ForgetMeNaught
- Dec 22, 2020
- 10 min read
Updated: Dec 26, 2020
Do you have anhedonia?
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with feeling "happiness". Sean, my boyfriend of 18 months will tell of that's truthfulness during this time and if you ask my old peers/ teachers/ friends and my church community I was very active with as a child, they will tell you that I was one of the happiest, friendlies and brown-nosing kids they knew. It even earned me the nick-name "Bubbles". Even the lunch ladies called me that nick name. I was living on that Prozac mania high. And I decorated my sophomore Spanish binder in my infamous nick name. (see attached photo)
But yet dangerous thoughts, irrational guilt and shame from my toxic cult environment, as well as emotional neglect and abuse from family was festering just below the mask I wore everyday. Who I was at home was someone completely different than at school. I fooled everyone. Everyone but my therapist, Joe. (Joseph Muir)
The moment I ever publically mentioned I was sad, I was met with horny weirdos or my biological aunt swooping in with her two cents. "Happiness is a choice. You can choose it like you choose your mouth wash." I re-read today in my Facebook memories. What a dumb fuck she was. Even that day I told her it didn't help, because I knew that I wasn't intentionally choosing to be miserable. My behavior didn't get me punished into this mindset either. I knew something was wrong and I refused to let people I thought I looked up to, tell me that it was my fault I was unhappy. I wonder how her depression is going now after her son killed himself back in March 2018. . . Likely from one of his mental illness, after all accidental hangings don't really run in our family. Get outta here with that "choosing happiness" bullshit!
I was 17 when I wrote that post in 2010. Ten years ago. I'm 27 now and see such a different person. Such a broken little girl who knew very little about her illnesses because my family was afraid of what my symptoms would do for my custody if it was ever mentioned in court or to my psychiatrists I had been seeing for 3 years than. Fear of being "locked away in the looney bin" or "having CPS take me away" was why my mother told me never to talk about my depression to anyone. She said I'd loose friends too and no one would like me for being "crazy". People are attracted to happy, sweet conforming people, DUH! I was in denial with their being anything wrong anyways. I was convinced my family was drugging me to tolerate me at home. That was only partially true. Everyone everywhere else loved me, would praise me and some would tell me they'd love for me to move in with them/stay the summer! I knew they were joking, but every time someone said it, I wished they meant it. I wish they would take me away from my family, but I feared what they would find out about me, and my daily SSRI pill, if they did.... I didn't realize just how bad my family was treating me, and how it was affecting me until I went to other peoples homes; witnessing real happiness and positive encounters.
I grew up Mormon in western Maryland. It was tight-knit cult, full of a culture of antidepressants. (gotta get that fake happiness in there somewhere) I also was a product of a messy divorce and my mother's toxic husband-hopping. My fathers verbal, emotional and physical abuse for 13-years, draining her financially, court case after court case fighting for custody- that she did end up winning! Her second husband was an addict who left her bloody and bruised, emptied their joint bank account and fled the state. And her last, legitimately one of the worst out of them all, Harold Lynn Mill of Clear Spring Maryland, she is still with. An openly homophobic, sexist, racist, drunk. He knocked up a girl in High School and has "bastard of a son" who turned into a criminal and addict and has since been disowned. Watching him treat his mentally ill son so poorly and never being a proper parent to him was hard to hear and watch. His parents raised his first child. And he was convinced that I too, would be a "high school whore" and come home pregnant.
I didn't have hard drugs in my home. But I did have alcoholics in my life. We always had food, but we didn't always have heat or lights when we came home. I did have clothing, but I remember needing to help my mom with my own money from my piggy bank I've been filling since I was toddler, at the laundry mat. And I sure as hell didn't have a educated supportive system who could help me with homework past the 3rd grade. Neither of my parents nor their spouses were educated very well.
I imagine no one's childhood was perfect, but my family told me that mine was. They reassured me that "they did everything they could." And that "they tried their best." And "it wasn't as bad as their childhood." They made it sound like I was some kind of ungrateful spoiled child, when all I wanted was to be loved, have help with my homework, not be around toxic men, have freedom to practice my religion (cult) without persecution, and to not be abused.
As an adult they have tried to hush my sharing of my annoyingly persistent and detailed memories of my childhood. Thanks PTSD. The same aunt from above telling me to "keep some of those feelings to yourself." And my own mother threatening to sue me for defamation from the information in my blogs. (as I said, she isn't very educated) You would think that if what I have to share bothers them so bad, and is too embarrassing or "ill speaking" of my families character, that they would have choosen to be better people. They are mad I escaped their cult! Talk about choices Nikki. lol
So what does any of this have to do with anhedonia? What is anhedonia? It's simply the inability to feel pleasure. It is a core symptom of many mental illnesses and the loss of feeling joy from things you once did. Ranging from activities, to food, to music. Trauma in your life can leave a lasting impact in you ability to feel pleasure. Infact there was a 2009 study that showed participants with childhood abuse had lower brain serotonin transporter potential than those who weren't abused. Directly proving that those who had been abused have less serotonin activity!
Other studies that have built our current mental health field have direct links to serotonin activity and mental health disorders like depression. For which anhedonia is a prime symptom.
One of the most recent therapists that I have worked with introduced me to the term anhedonia. And just like learning a new word as a kid you want to show off... this word really stuck with me and was an "Ah-ha!" moment. Serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin are major factors in mental health. Serotonin being the happy chemical. Dopamine being the pleasure chemical and oxytoin being the love hormone. (It was equally an ah-ha moment when I learned the reason they called heroine "dope" for dopamine! Aka floods your brain with dopamin and it feels good) There are several other important chemicals and processes that happen in the brain that contribute to mental health phenomenons, but these are some of the main focuses. Happiness, Pleasure and Love are all different but equally important with mental health diagnosis and treatments. I don't pretend to understand it all but I do my best to use the awesome internet resources I have and ask plenty of questions to my mental health providers during the past 15 years. I do now have a word that matches what I experience on a daily basis.
Like when food doesn't taste "good". Given the choice between a rib eye steak or peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I honestly don't care most/many days. Similar to being alive vs being dead. Most days I don't care. Some days I do care about being alive, but not like others, I dislike being alive. Some long term circumstances in my life has left me suicidal, and not seeing a reason for life. If you don't feel happiness, why stay alive you know?
When considering doing anything, the reward center of my brain has been turned off for so long there is no pleasure or "reward" for waking up and going to work, getting a pay check, having sex, listening to music, doing previous hobbies I use to enjoy in my life. But this isn't just black or white. We don't know the main reason yet why anyone struggles with their mental illnesses. What we do know is that mental illnesses exist and is based mainly on environmental, genetic and circumstantial experiences. I don't always feel a loss of pleasure, but there doesn't seem to be any correlation with the days that I do vs don't. And since there currently is no way to test how much serotonin is getting to your brain, I can't be certain. 95% of serotonin lives and is produced in the lining of your stomach. And the remaining percentage is produced in your brain.
And if you take away anything from this blog today let it be this. People with mental illnesses have brains and bodies that literally prevent them from experiencing life the same way that you do. And that is science.
In short, studies have shown that people with my symptoms are experiencing them because they have mental illnesses. For me, I have depression, PTSD, and BPD. But the mental health field isn't perfect. And living with my illnesses isn't anything like "choosing a mouth wash". I didn't wake up this morning and think "wow this tooth paste will make all my teeth rot and fall out, lets choose this one!" anymore than I woke and choose to intentionally not enjoy listening to music, even though I use to. No one wants their teeth to fall out and no one intentionally wants to stay miserable! It may seem that way when you observe people making poor choices or self medicating themselves into addiction for trying to treat their mental health symptoms themselves, but that's just not how any of that works.
That being said learning about yours and others illnesses, allow you to feel more confident because you can work with the treatment methods that have helped others before you. You also may understand better why you are experience such unpleasant symptoms. Being educated is also more appealing than being ignorant, at least to me it is. Showing a genuine desire to want to do and be better by consulting with professionals is important. The mental health field is constantly growing and thus we need to keep educating ourselves on these topics. Get different professional opinions, and seek the best available treatments and advise! Staying educated is really the least you can do for yourself and others. Sadly, this wasn't something my family aspired to be. And we have some CEO's, Lawyers and CPA's in there. It's almost as if their education 25 years ago didn't include modern mental health findings! It's because it didn't. So much is new... 2000's new.
Remember when I mentioned that mental health can be genetic? There is science to back this information too! In fact one of my Primary Care Physicians suspected that I had a gene mutation based on information from my continuous mental health struggles with little to no relief with treatment and she suggested me be tested for the MTHFR gene. (some people say "mother" gene- I provided I link to the CDC) Of course correlation doesn't always mean causation; that is why it is important to consult these things with your mental health team of specialists who can help you understand what you can do treat yourself. And the MTHFR gene is only one gene mutation. I'm sure there are several others. Some not even found yet that contribute to mental health symptoms.
I came back positive for the gene and had it from both sides of my family! (C677 and A1298C- BOTH) What do you know! Of course the topic of genes and their mutation is one I'm not very educated on and only recently was asked and reminded of this test that happend during a difficult time in my life that I wasn't able to focus on learning/ understanding what it meant and my healing.
And accorrding to Medical News Today "There are two common types, or variants, of MTHFR mutation: C677T and A1298C. Mutations in MTHFR genes occur in approximately 25% of people of Hispanic descent and 10–15% of North American Caucasians."
Which is precisely why it isn't widely known, understood or talked about. But it's important.
These things were eye opening! My grandfather who just died had heart problems and acute leukemic. My grandmother has nerve pain. My sister has migraines. My other grandmother has had a stroke. And all of us have at least one mental illness listed above. Some undiagnosed! Again correlation doesn't always mean causation. But sometimes it does!
I'm not close to my family anymore, but I do know more than the average person about the health care of my family members up until now. This blog may come across that I am putting blame on my family from my still active mental health concerns. That is because I am. But as I mentioned several times, only time will tell, now that they are out of my life, just how much their environmental influence affected me. I've only recently been aware of the genetic things they passed along my way, that I can't do much about. I'm hoping that the farther I get away from their affects that I might experience some relief. There has been some mild relief with leaving the cult I was raised in already but that came with desire for growth, therapy and patience. I just had my official two year anniversary on December 20th 2020 from resigning from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And man does it feel good to share that!
If you too have a toxic family I know it isn't always as easy to shut them out and move on so quickly. Families are often peoples sole support system. You have good memories mixed with all the abuse too. It's really quite foul weeding yourself out of it, and than in my case getting gene tested and feeling like there still may be no way out of it. LOL Here's hoping for even more progress to be seen by those who knew me before as a child, teen, and now as an adult.
Huzzah to anhedonia!
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