I Kissed A Girl...

Do you know those people who are completely closed off? Secretive, but call themselves "private"? Who seem to think those around them are inferior intellectually and don't correct poor behaviors or ever apologize, because they "never do anything wrong"?

No? Count yourself lucky!

If you do know those people and see those red flags, keep your distance or ditch them. Why give to others when they never return. Make room for better people in your heart.

*Not us* Just some cute smiling girls!

I recently had a girls night of face masks, finger nail painting, music and laughter. When an friend of 3+ years (with benefits) texts me. Instantly I'm annoyed/amused because the last time that person and I talked it was a fight.... and he never apologized. I don't see this person as often as I like because he keeps himself distanced. Also, Girl code says "fuck him" it's ladies night.... But I had indeed spent all day at the pool and night with them, and we were almost finished with the evenings plans. It was nearly 11 PM. Maybe I could mend a feud? Maybe they'd like to meet him? More the merrier? Yes?! Noooooooooo, BAD IDEA. RED FLAGS.

Girl time!

This friend took particular interest that I was with girl friends and so I kept our texts light, flirty and insincere. Talking about it being my "lesbian orientation" for jokes. (I'm heterosexual folks) In the 3 years I've known him he's never asked to hang out with me after midnight. He also lives 90 mins away, so I inquired if he wanted alone time with me- was this our first booty call? 

Nope. He did not.

Nope. he wanted to crash a girl party. And I let him. You'd think this was pleasant news. But he had no interest in seeing or spending time with me at all actually. It was about my other girl friend(s). (At least the one who wasn't a lesbian) So while deciding between my friends what we will be doing/if they'd like to meet/what we will be doing I told them how I met Mathew and that I had a nude body positive photo shoot done by him 3 years ago. So essentially he was bringing his camera for impromptu photos and chit chat - anything flew. And one of my new friends took particular interest in his photography. So I gave him her number.

We all said yes. And I instantly felt regret. The reason why Mathew and I fought the last time we saw each other (April) was because he took pornographic photos of us together that he still hasn't shown me and purposefully kept from me.

We had 90 mins until he would be in town. Even though he asked not once, but twice for my friends address, I demanded we meet in my home. The girls didn't have transportation so everyone came with me. He didn't arrive until almost 1:30 AM and while we waited I filled them in on all things Mathew- including our last encounter and my hesitation and worry. They were sympathetic, or so I thought.

[All while dad sleeps down stairs btw lol]

Fast forward to 4 AM. My new friend that Mathew took special interest in had at least 400 photos on his camera of her- less than 35 of me, and my other girl friend had 1. I felt left out and like a 3rd wheel in my own home and so did my other friend. So I ask we stop nude photography, make the spare room for the girls to sleep over, and let him know he is more than welcome to stay over if he wants to, on the sofa. I can get him blankets and a pillow. I thought that was polite enough, obvious gesture, of wrapping things up.

Mathew somehow couldn't decide if he wants to stay or leave yet while my one friend has already went to bed, and I've mentioned I'd like to go as well. The other girl has insomnia. So the 3 of us hang in the living room chit chatting a bit longer. She asks about my blog, so I begin reading one. He gets out his camera again and chats with her as he scrolls through the photos they took, while I was reading. They weren't interested in me reading my blog, so I close my lap top with frustration and ask if he is staying or going; mostly aggravated. It's now 5 AM, I wanted to go to bed a while ago. He checks his phone and says he doesn't know, again. 

He proceeds to asks her to undress for more photos. "I had a few more ideas on shadows..." I hear as my blood boils. I go to my room, plug in my dying phone and take a few deep breaths, come back out and said calmly but firmly:

"When you're done with this I'd like for you to pack your things leave and never come back." 

He snapped on more photo, and the tension in the room exploded. He looked up to make sure I was talking to him with a foul look to his face. Side note: Mathew and I are not an item and I don't own him or make decisions for him. But he was my friend, and he wasn't acting like one. I however was done with the flirting, touching and cuddling on the love seat. I was done with him wanting alone time with my new friend and trying to wait my tiredness out so he could possibly have it. If you enjoy each other, make a date, not in my home at 5 fucking AM.

But mainly I'm just super tired of HIM.

He asked "why" to try and play diplomat- He knew exactly what he was doing. I said if the night wasn't all about her, why does she have close to (if not more than) 400 photo, I have less then 30 while my other friend has none? He changed the topic, he was uncomfortable because I finally called him out. I'm glad I finally got through as he packed his camera then walked towards the door away from my view. He then paused came back into view, pointed his finger at me and said:

"YOU know, YOU always do this, YOU think I'm doing something to hurt or disrespect YOU."  [Count how many times he said you vs, I..... he loves to blame others.]My eyes didn't care to follow or look at him. I glared at him, pursed my lips in a grin, and shrugged in a motion to the mood of "don't care, get the fuck out".

He did a body pat down looking for his keys that I saw him leave in his camera case and freaked out. Not that he needed them, the man drives a damn Tesla, I'm surprised it doesn't kiss his feet when he approaches, that stupid-beautiful piece of machinery. It warms his ass & hands, has dozens of voice commands, auto drives and even remembers my address when in 3 years he never has. Smart car indeed. My car only has 1 side mirror, a broken AC, 3 major oil leaks and smells like dust. But yeah, his keys....

I calmly told him exactly where I saw him put them. He took everything apart found them. Then left quietly.

Oh the damn kiss....I almost forgot. That really wasn't click-bait, I promise. I kissed her while we were all awake. Both ladies butt-ass-NEKED on my couch, trying to get his attention mainly. Didn't work. The kiss was consensual and a bit of peer pressure. And it was my first lady kiss! Given another circumstance with another woman, maybe it would have been more pleasant. Ladies aren't my thing, or haven't been? Maybe one day they will, I've been on a man hating binge since my rape in April.

When Mathew left we all 3 were up and discussed what happen. I was thoroughly pissed. She denied his flirtation and didn't believe the amount of photos taken of her were so dis-proportioned to everyone elses. The other friend supported that fact and told her that she felt the evening go south too but didn't know what to say. She defended his actions and I believe wrongfully so.

Recap- I was aware of enough red flags so it puts me partly at fault for the evening, Mathew is an intellectual adult, which is one of the main reasons I've admired and cared for him since we met. He can't make me feel crazy anymore for calling out his poor social cues:

1. He can't remember my address- continual thing

2. Makes my friend and I feel like a third wheel

3. Has his first cigarette in over 3 years (his words not mine, but he's never been a smoker the years I've known him) to spend alone time with her outside.

4. Never since I've know him started a hang out session after 1AM? (and it was a working weekday!)

5. And never considered staying the night at my home before, until I had other women over?

Get. Out. He could have respected my home, sleeping boundaries and friends. But he can't so he's gone. For good.

This took a couple days and many hours to write. It was emotional in an unwanted way. It's been a rough ass week even without this happening. Most of my blogs thus far have walked out of my head, into my fingers and on the screen. I spend the most time editing/proof reading; as my grammar is sub par. I have a lot of ideas so I pretty much free write and then go back; adding, deleting and also deciding what day to post, should I post it at all? But this was different, this was hard. It's my longest post to date so far. These ladies will likely read this. I haven't talked to the girl I kissed since that day last week when I dropped her back at her home. I really thought we bonded earlier than day. There is a lot of vulnerability in my honesty and I cried multiple times during this process. I intentionally left out both girls' names, which makes the writing more difficult. Anyways, don't do what I did. Don't indulge someone in their games just to say you had their company.... You deserve better. And so do I.

I'm dried-eye and pushing publish!