I'm Fat

When I looked down to shave my pubes and I had to move my belly fat to remotely see my vulva, I realized... I was Fat.

I bet you think this is going to be a self loathing, "please stroke my ego and call me pretty" blog post?

WRONG!

I remembering borrowing my dads truck for the day and was readjusting the seat (short legs/body) I had to raise the back of the seat to a right angle. It felt really uncomfortable as if I was sitting up against something like a jacket thrown across the back, until I turned around and realized... it was my newly formed back fat. When did that get there?

Fat is a word that we have labeled negatively and use accordingly to break people down, instead of it being "matter of fact". It's just another adjective. Some even use it as false encouragement "You don't want to get fat do you?" I remember my mother saying when I a teen. As if her vanity could ever be over seen and ask more important questions like "what kind of personality traits do you want when you grow up?"

I'm beautiful AND I'm fat, they are are not mutually exclusive. My beauty isn't question. The things I use to do in my life might be though... like shaving. haha Or even yoga! I'm still quite flexible but my intermediate yoga poses are harder to do with the 50+ extra pounds on my body!

*Does being fat affect my friendships/relationships? Nope, people loved me skinny and people love me fat. People just love me for being me. And me is fat.

*Does being fat affect my sex life? Meh- kinda, I have less endurance with particular positions, but I'd say roughly same to maybe more people have been interested in my curvy body compared to my thinner disposition.

*Does being fat affect MY health? I honestly have been healthier while on the heavier side then I have been thin. My self confidence is bomb! But things like high/low blood pressure, blood sugar, mental health, has been consistent thick and thin. "But your mental health sucks Kirsten." Yeah I know, my mental health sucked when I was skinny too. Doesn't make much of a difference. There seems to have been more health issues, starving myself, then over eating. That's not advise... but taco bell at 2am loves me more than those size 4 jeans ever did. Being homeless, with a restrictive vegan diet, hair falling out from malnutrition wearing hats to hide my insecurities is not something I want to return to.

I'd say being fat has mostly affected my income. I've spent hundreds of dollars on clothing keeping up with the about 8 difference sizes I've grown into over the past 5 years. (4-18ish now) And if my biggest worry is out growing my fat jeans in life (it's not)- That would be a lovely life.

But Kirsten, are you saying fat is okay? Damn straight I am. Fat is okay. Fat can be healthy! My child doctor constantly told me I was "over weight" and getting to obesity as a teen. I'm here to tell you my 15 year old 5'0, 145lbs self was more damaged by constantly being told I was fat and needed to loose weight, more than the weight that WAS there- ever caused any medical damage. Because it didn't cause any medical damage. The extra 10lbs I gained as a senior in high school that put me in the obesity category? Didn't hurt me. Not one bit.

So why did I gain all this weight? It must be from taco bell and all that junk food, right? Mostly wrong. Most of my weight gain is a direct result of mental health treatment with pysch meds! Try and get your brain healthy and your body goes to shit? What's fucking new. Except they didn't help my mental health and still wrecked my body. Cool. Talk about traumatizing. Forcing me to love a new size body, purchase new clothing and learn to love this new me during crippling depression where I'm not even able to bathe daily let alone feed myself or try to exercise the excess weight off!

Here's the Facts:

For me, a woman who is 5'0 it is projected that anywhere between 100lbs-123lbs is heathy weight, and everything else is overweight or obese. This is completely laughable and wrong. BMI's are very out dated and while they measure mass, they forget that muscle is mass too, and weighs more than fat.

The BMI was created in the (early) 19th century by Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet. He was not a physician but he produced a formula to give an easy way to measure the amount of obesity of the population. This was to assist the government deciding food and other resources. Basically it is a 200-year-old mathematician hack.

The BMI formula also ignores waist size, which is a very important indicator of obesity. For example...

This is Frank Medrano a viral vegan body builder. He is 5'9″-175 cm and weighs about 160lbs-73 kg. And the BMI calculation- approved by our FDA as a way to dignify a healthy body- (But Not Really) says that his body is "Normal/Healthy". His body is far from "normal" even though he is definitively healthy! And he'd be the first to tell you his work outs and dedication to his body aren't "normal". They are strategic to optimize his body reconstruction with food and weight training. His fat content is 5%. He literally is at the heaviest muscle/fat ratio he can be for his body type. And apparently that is a "normal" body type with this out dated method. If He gained 10 more pounds of muscle he'd be overweight-ha!

I don't look a thing like Frank and yet we are both beautiful! My body helps me move through out my daily activities and gets me to wear I am going. The only medication I take for my body ailments are for my asthma that I developed after double pneumonia scared my lungs as 6 year old. I'm not a body builder, I don't lift heavy things, and right now my body serves its purpose for the size it is.

Would I like to loose a few pounds? Yup! Maybe 35-45 or so. Which still has me obese and over weight with a BMI calculator. I'm not really in a hurry for it or even dedicated to that goal. I know that's not a current focus of mine right now. And for the most part I love my body, but as mentioned in my previous blog. Self love is a journey.

Until then, I still need clothing that fits me. And I want them to be cute! I need a bathing suit that flatters me, so I can enjoy swimming. Yes a two piece so it isn't difficult to go to the bathroom in a soaking wet full piece. Fat people deserve the same rights as skinny people. Saying hello to healthy doesn't mean saying goodbye to all the things that brings you happiness. (including that once a month taco bell run!) It just mean having a better relationship with exercise, food and my living habits. We forget how much that-that 3hrs of exercise we were getting weekly was helping us, until its 2 years later and we haven't intentionally broke a sweat for exercise since we've gained 40lbs. A pound and a half a month doesn't seem like much until you've grown out of your pants.

We live in a world where body/fat shaming is the norm, and we even down major active wear retailers for advertising they have plus size clothing! You want fat people to exercise so they aren't fat anymore, but you want them to exercise.... Do you want me to exercise naked or something? In my home not around you? And that dressing my fat body in cute clothing is somehow saying being unhealthy is beautiful? Being fat shouldn't be a sentence to ostracizing!

No. Being hateful is ugly. I don't want that. And this beautiful fat chick's body can do a split. Can you?