Incel - Poly Dating Part 8.

It's been almost a year since I've written a blog where I had actually been "actively dating", with intent to meet up and hang out due to covid, and my own personal struggles. But the time has come for more sad online profiles and crap human experiences.

Each time I log on, I get pickier and pickier. I often use stereotypes to ween out those I am not interested in. I understand that this isn't a full proof method and that I do have expectations, but their are things that peek my interest. Lets talk strategy.

Things I Swipe "No" on- Police or any on in the armed forces, Christian/Conservatives (politics is often listed on profiles), People wearing camo, holding fish, holding guns, shirtless gym selfies, Middle fingers, getting drunk in photos, profiles where all the photos are group photos and you have no idea who's profile it is.... The list goes on.

Nope.

Nope again.

So what do I swipe right on?

Filled out profiles with words AND photos! Happy smiles! Musicians and Artists! People who have intent for relationships, and who look like they may hold a conversation well. I currently resonate with heteroflexible as my sexuality, but it's arguably closer to pan-attracted, but asexual; leaning towards masculine qualities. I'm open to the non binary community. (my disgust towards heterosexual men continues to increase) My desires seem pretty straight forward to me, but there are plenty of people who have ulterior motives. . .

Like these two guys who just wanted to be ass holes...

Like... what?

Cool, another ass hole.

And this is my profile looks like, by the way.

This is what my profile looks like, by the way. You can't miss the fact that I am poly. It's front and center.

John, the dude who has issues with black people and me supporting them was disgusting. We carried on a conversation that I may show, in full, at a later time. But he came to my inbox with assumed narratives of who I am, my political party, and where I give my money. He got angry and unmatched me after calling what he saw on my profile, the one you see above, as "crazy".

Loving and caring for black people and other people of color is NOT crazy. #BlackLivesMatter

"But Kirsten I thought you don't swipe right on christian conservative." I generally don't, and his profile said he was politically "moderate" and that he was agnostic! But people lie all the time to get laid. Not that I think he'll get that any time soon but enough about bigots, lets get into some more juicey details! Incels!

Have I met anyone outside of Sean? How is my relationship with Sean?! It's time for an update.

A few months ago back, end of January I believe, I matched with a guy named Russell Walter Gilbertson. He's 32, tall, has serious resting bitch face but has a super sexy deep voice! We exchanged numbers for texting Tuesday February 2nd. Of course the first week of February started the beginning of my pelvic pain fiasco that started with an ER visit, a D&C surgery on March 9th but is still unresolved. (I am in treatment.) So Russel and I talked for several weeks until I felt well enough and our scheduled matched for our first date. It was a simple meet-and-greet, walk-in the park on March 14th. I was down for a second date. And we had one six days later on March 20th. This was when I made a passing comment "So you are a nomad? Your home is sold, living out of your jeep, sitting on cash from a home sale in your bank, and unemployed, what are you, a trust fund baby?" He said "Ah, actually, yeah." I had never met anyone like that, and asked him what it was like. He replied something short about family issues, and changed the subject. This was the last time we saw each other.

Despite keep in touch and trying to plan a 3rd date, things haven't been working out. Sean and I went on vacation in April, and my pelvic pain has been on and off preventing much fun or enjoyment. Russell also sold his house, packed up his belongings into storage and has been moving around/living out of his car during this time. (I too have once been homeless, but unlike him, I didn't choose it. Or so he told me it was his choice to sell *his* home)

I offered mine and Seans physical labor to help him move, he declined. He told me he planned to live in a barn with his girlfriend on her parents property in Pennsylvania, until they went back-packing/ hiking/got an RV to start traveling. Russell has been the only person I have met or had a date with since Oct 2019 outside of Sean. He told me that he wasn't interested and didn't want a committed or long term relationship even though he too was Non- Monogamous; which is *not* what I am looking for. However I enjoyed his company, we seemed to have similar interests of minimalism and travel, he seemed to be able to carry feelings for other people and he seemed easy to talk to. Why not keep him in my space? He *was* respectful until I told him that I didn't think our schedules matched well and every time he asked to hang out, he dropped the ball.

Wooooow, right? So what lead up to this nonsense? After SEVERAL tries to meet up again failed with it being only a few days shy of two months of not seeing him I told him I didn't think our schedules right now were a good fit. So check out these screen shots for more details.

April 29th

May 1st

May 1st

May 4th

May 6th

May 8th

May 9th

Okay I think you get the picture. I felt he wasn't that interested. On top of that, he messaged me yesterday that he had been driving 5 hours away into Virginia to go look at a house. Presumably to live/ rent/ buy. So I sent him this message.

His reply?

These messages angered him so much to act like that?

Calling me Danielle, aka my middle name, which I never go by ever? I suppose it was a slip up in names in his anger?

Telling me he is going to block me after this message because "he doesn't have the time"?

That "this is going to sound a bit harsh"

"Some of you people need a reality check" Who is some? Women?

That I am "privileged to have disability income"? (while he is a trust fund baby? huh?)

And bring up Sean and I's relationship that he knows fairly little about.

"For a guy to bust his ass for 12 hours and come home to that..."

Come home to what? A clean home? Hot dinner? Someone who packed his lunch every day? Someone who does all the grocery shopping, meal planning, cooking and laundry? (drive to a laundry mat, wash dry fold and put away for him) I also pay half the bills always! I certainly bring a lot to our family even if I work very part time and our gain isn't financial. How dare he accuse me of taking advantage of people financially.

I even gave Russell $20 in cash to help me run to the post office less than 4 miles away, 8 miles round trip, on behalf of Sean on our second date. My car was in the shop from my catalytic converter being stolen. It took 30 days for claims and parts to complete fixing it, but I haven't had poor bed side manners.

For other peoples safety, this is Russell.

Continuing... he "could say a lot that he is holding back" followed by "what world do you exist in that you have a hole between your legs and think that is all that there is." What does this even mean? I have no clue. Is this degrading towards women in general? Or was he talking about my mostly sex-less life? I'm not a free loader, I am working very hard on myself!

He continued with the incel hurt and rejection, making wild accusations based on his limited perception. Four minutes of filth was directly proceeded minutes earlier by "I'm still really interested in you and think you are really cool". All of this because I let him know that I found that our friendship was difficult. I don't think friendship should be that difficult. I have nothing to hide. But he is not very mentally stable and his reaction to me setting a boundary and talking about my concerns was over-the-top.

Admittedly I'm embarrassed again to say that I even know someone like this. We only had two dates and didn't know each other that well despite being in contact for over four months. But I honestly had not expected this from him. At all. I didn't reply to him after those 4 minutes of hate banter. This blog is my processing of those emotions. Trying to make sense of it.

For reference though, Sean and I are not in an open relationship, as Russell misspoke. Sean noticed that too. Sean and I's romance is only between Sean and I. Sean is monogamous, he has no intentions of wanting others in our romance, but we are IN a poly amorous relationship. Sean has my full encouragement and approval of him dating whomever he wants, whenever he wants. He has choosen not to right now.

That being said, there are lots of branches of ethical non monogamy. I was clear on my interests with Russell, from Bumble inbox, to first date. I explained to him what polyamory was, and that I was looking for long term- fulfilling, loving relationships. I had no clue he was on incel wave-length.

So how is Sean and I'd relationship?

Sean and I have been struggling. And it has nothing to do with Russell. Infact when he heard what Russel said he gave his thoughts saying, "I think he was trying a bros-before-hoes concept when talking about our relationship, even though I hadn't met him yet, he assumed I would part with his opinions because we are are working through thing and he said 'ask any guy'."

But again, I have noting to hide with my relationship with Sean. When we met and got together we knew we didn't have much in common. We still have little to no shared hobbies other than our love of good food and similar humor. We don't like the same music, we don't like the same tv shows, he's very introverted and a home-body who loves his nerdy crafts and table top games. I like lots of people and being out of the house, traveling, window shopping, fashion, make up, minimalism, home making, etc. But we don't have to like the same things to love each other or build a life together. We do have to have similar goals and the will to grow together.

Sean is my lover. I love him deeply even if we are struggling. These past 3 weeks have been emotionally draining. I have had disagreements but agreed to disagree with my ex's in the past. However when it got like this with my ex's? I left. I broke up with them. I called it "out growing them". I know I am being vague right now, but that is because we have started couples therapy and we are trying to hash out our problems with someone being a mediator there. Neither of us have never had couples therapy before, so it's vulnerable new territory. But this is my best relationship thus far, Sean and his mother and siblings are my family now and I want to try and see what we can compromise on to keep this going.

There is a lot for both of us to think about right now. Sean does not want me to let go, that hasn't even crossed his mind. We have invested the past two years into each other. I don't exactly want our relationship to end, but it is absolutely changing, and it needs to.. My expectations from him now, have decreases as he has chosen not to reach the same goals with me. (financially, emotionally, mentally, etc)

Infact he has fought back every single time I have begged him to get into therapy or something that would teach him better communication skills, self improvement and help with emotional regulation and his depression. And now that our relationship is "on the line" so to say, he runs towards it? Begrudgingly. It's a slap in the face to me because the first time I had mentioned him going to therapy was early into our relationship, but for help him to go better support and learn about my mental health. Loving someone who is chronically suicidal is difficult, he deserves that support! But the first time I was serious about him getting more help, for himself, was October 2020. He wasn't showering, but when he did he wouldn't wash his hair. He wasn't feeding his cats, keeping up with home chores, and fighting me every time I asked him to care for himself. I struggle with my own mental health and I am on disability right now getting the treatment I need in hopes to be fully independent one day. Our compromise for his hair washing? Was cutting it off. More compromises came with months of battling conversations and lies, was starting up an anti depressant. But still no therapy. But the medication DOES help him, A LOT, even though they have their side effects he isn't particularly fond of.

I understand some of these disagreements come with my need to be in control. I can't force people to do the right thing. Sean getting therapy is the right thing, even if he is in denial. I have given options for him to seek out other forms of self help such as books, meditation, journaling, exercise, etc. And he throws his woes to the brick wall where all our fights land only to be scrapped off during therapy like used gum under a high school lunch table... Through disgusts as he moans, "I don't have money or time for it, and I just don't want to."

No certainly not.

He understand the sacrifice it is for body, mind, time, and wallet that self improvement is. Ontop of his laborious day job. And he is not ready; even if in the past during anger and short temper moments, during tearful apologies he would promise to seek therapy and said he "feared he'd become like his dad." I can however respect that he has changed his mind since that moment, even if some of the behavior I wish would addressed hasn't. So that leaves me with a personal decision. Am I okay with the Sean who is struggling not wanting help, or do I walk away from this?

He says, "why can't you just love and accept me the way I am, like I love and accept you the way you are?"

And those words hurt. Hurt to hear and feel as the empathe I am. Sean has indeed loved me through some extremely hard times. I have much to learn from him on different forms of love. But I do know what inadequacy feels like from growing up in a religious cult and in my toxic family with some deranged expectations to up hold. But I'm asking him to brush his teeth twice a day and get the mental health care I feel he needs to be able to not lie to me anymore on difficult topics. I'm unable to teach him these mature things.

I'm not asking him to loose weight or bulk up because his body is wrong. (I love his body!)

I'm not asking him to get a better job because we need more money. (we don't)

I'm not telling him to get a higher education because I think he isn't smart. (but free education is nice)

I'm not imposing rules and regulations that I feel are unhealthy or not needed.

I'm telling him I love him and want him *clean* and healthy- but when I do I am met false promises, lies, anger and fights.

I do not accept this. And so something must change. I'm not sure what that is right now.

I hope me sharing a small insight into my relationship with Sean hasn't dimmed any amazing thoughts you have had about him. I share the good bad and ugly. I know privacy is something Sean has gone without by choosing to date me, due to my blog and my need to share and document my life to feel the most authentically me. Especially when my life is surrounded by gas lighters and liars.The things I share here obviously aren't a complete picture of all the situations in my life. Just excerpt. I find writing about things helps me hold myself accountable to be the best person I can be. It allows me the time to process my emotions and make sure I don't say or do anything I may regret later. It also allows me to receive input, to help me reach people who have gone through similar things and can offer advise and understanding. Through good and the bad.

Poly dating isn't a one size fits all. While my relationship with Sean has mostly been monogamous, that doesn't change my ability and desire to love and be with more than one person at a time. But if my goal is to grow and cultivate a family with multiple adult humans is to come to fruition than and I am to work on the things I have built with honesty and integrity. I am also to live authentically thought them and confront my emotions and make decisions to improve myself accordingly.