Knot Your Choice

I find it ironic that often when we discuss "love" people discuss pain, sadness and hurt too. I also noticed, in my life because I grew up in an abusive family, that the same people who say they "love you" are the ones who say it after they say or do hurtful or demeaning things. This is a brainwashing technique, meant to "trauma bond" and make and keep others co-dependent; emotionally, mentally, physically, financially or to get people to see their views. Those who have experienced trauma in their own lives, don't always know they are doing it to others, as it was the only form of love they were shown.

It's the "spank-your-child-then-give-them-a-hug-and-tell-them-you-love-them" thing people are doing these days! Or when your children fight with each other and you call it "brotherly and sisterly love". While this may be progress from beating you children and never telling them you love them... this is still abuse.

I recently had someone tell me they loved me, but this person neither knows nor cares very much about me. (Read my blog "Baby Don't Hurt Me" about love.) I was a child care provider for her family over the summer in 2016 and we haven't spoken since until the interaction posted below. I fully recognize I opened this conversation myself by commenting on her controversial post. I truly believe this woman projected her own inability to get pregnant in order to demean me when we differed on opinions of sterilization. Read below.

And we haven't spoke since.

This event happend on September 15, 2020. So, I gave myself time to reflect how I felt about it. And after almost two months, I still have a problem with it. You may not have even known that I was bothered by her actions and words with how cordial I was replying. I shared what she likely considered personal details of my life, to an unconventional person; a previous employer. Christy probably thought I was "opening up to her". But she would already know all of these things about me if she was active on Facebook. I post about my life struggles frequently. However, I know peoples level of activity on social media varies and I commend her for trying to get to know me, even if I think it was for the wrong reasons; i.e. because of a disagreement and because she wanted to tell me what was best for me.

I've learned that living with an invisible illness (of 15+years) has tainted my views to a point most find alarming, i.e my regular suicidality. But I won't ever stop being shocked that others couldn't *try* to image what it might be like in someone else's shoes.

Trust me, I know what I'm asking you to do. But just imagine for a moment what it would be like being raped. Actually think about it. Think about the details. What physical position would they be rapping you in? How would it feel? What would the person who did this to you look like? What kind of scenario would that be for you? Now, imagine what it would be like being pregnant and not wanting to be by them? Can you do this? No? Why not?

My friend Christy can't, and maybe you can't either. I am assuming she has never been raped, and while it's entirely possible she has, that would makes this scenario and what she said, worse. I believe she let her views of always wanting a biological child get in the way of understanding positions I have been in. Do I think if she got raped and magically conceived she would keep the child? Yes. However I'm unsure if her son is biological and conceived by a surrogate. I was under the impression he was adopted from birth. (I saw some baby picture books of them at the hospital and the woman who gave birth, in the bed beside them.)

So let's address her other concerns with sterilization with my demographic. Christy believes that once I heal from my life of trauma I may want biological children. (#1 May Change My Mind) After all it is the #1 result of this procedure for women under 30. I have thought about this and this is not a rash decision. While it's possible I may want biological children in my future, removing my tube does not prevent that. There is still surrogacy! My ovaries are staying, I still have my eggs. But I do not want to get pregnant. None the less, I am educated enough to know it still is not a good decision to have biological children. Almost everyone in my family has serious mental illnesses that have impaired their ability to be good parents. How selfish of me to bring another child into this world who would be raised in more trauma that hasn't been healed? I mean I'm in therapy, but damn.... still not okay.

This woman envies my body?

Although I'm not even certain I can get pregnant either, I have never been pregnant, and obviously never want to be. (I have very regular periods and my women's Doctor believes I'm quite fertile. I'm just very educated and wise in how I choose to practice safe!) Furthermore, I do not believe people like me should be allowed to have children of our own. I'll explain more as I go. I know these views are seen as "harsh" and "unconventional", but remaining open minded and allowing other adults to make decisions for themselves is imperative.

These views challenge the way-of-life that most in the western-hemisphere have been living for centuries. It hurts people to confront their problems and be a better human before creating more of their own. Is it really true there is never a "right" time to have children? I'd argue there is. Reproducing is TOO easy with too few opportunities to prevent them. While having a family is instinctual in our current economy it is rather unethical. We as human have evolved to be able to make decisions like this. It is no longer "survival of our race" to continue to have children. For me it is literally financial survival not to have children.

Who am I to put down the views and "opinions" of others?

When those views and opinions and VOTES prevent me from doing what I want with my body.

I recognize this topic is so controversial. I recognize I make decisions for my body that aren't always deemed as "good". (aka trying to kill it- which I'd debate be a positive things for me, actually) But if the woman who is 8 months pregnant smoking outside before her monthly check up- can make unhealthy choices... why can't I, knowing that I'd be a poor mother.... PREVENT PREGNANCY PERMANENTLY. Before it even starts? This debate wasn't just about abortion!

#2 I'd have regret? That's just too bad. If Christy thinks my mental health will some how get WORSE because she *thinks* I will change my mind and want to have children in the next 15 years.... that proves how much of a stranger she is to me. How can my mental health leave me anymore debilitated?! I'm currently on disability for trying to kill myself so many times over the past eight years. I don't even want to be alive right now. Becoming pregnant won't change that. In fact I KNOW it would make it worse. It would break my heart to send another child into our broken orphanage/foster care system because I'm aware I could not successfully take care of them. I have severe mental illnesses that are hereditary. I do not wish my genetics on another human being. I know I can prevent this!

Are their people who regret this decision? Absolutely. Are their people who regret having their children? ABSO-fucking-LUTELY. Not everyone wants children, and that's okay.

I am also aware of other forms of birth control. But none that best suits me. Through trial and error, I learned that hormones mess with my mental health/psych drugs I take. I'm allergic to copper to use a metal IUD without hormones. I am clearly pro-choice though I have never had an abortion. I would have had one if and when my other forms of birth control fail me. (most-likely through another rape!) But now they won't! :)

During the past two months that this blog sat in my drafts, I had my yearly well-woman's check up at Capitol Womens Care, where brand-spanking-new Doctor named Anusha Bhatia approved me of getting my tubes tied! She is my surgeon!

This surgery was something I was denied and told by Marlea who was my PA before Dr.Bhatia. She told me "We don't offer that here and you'd be hard pressed finding someone who will do that for you", roughly 18 months ago at the same location during my appointment I set up to check if I had STD's after my rape.

No longer employed at CWC. She moved to tennesee. Ooof Probably where she belongs for fucking lying to me.

I told her I'd travel anywhere in the state of Maryland to get it done, she shrugged her shoulders while washing her hands and said "we don't make those kinds of referrals." She no longer works at Capitol women's care. And for my past six years as a patient there she was my favorite. She never put me down for my weight changes, my sex life, or when I came in to be tested for STD's after my rape. But she lied to me and than moved away. That place has constant high turnovers. And now I am SHOUTING it from the roof tops how excited I am to get this procedure! There are women in this area who have been waiting for a woman like Dr.Bhatia to step into this position! Hagerstown NEEDS her. And just in time because my insurance changes in December and it doesn't cover sterilizations! November 9th is the day I got my tubular.

Honestly this has been one of the most exciting blogs I have written in a while! And I have been sitting on it waiting for the right time to publish it, adding on, editing, etc... This decision is for me. Out of all the nasty things in the world I can't control. This is one thing I can! I did this for me and no one else.

All I was asking Christy for was to vote for/support my right to permanently bring myself peace (like the kind she was praying for- and I got it! Just not in the way she wanted to) that I will never have the burden of pregnancy or children. The bi product of this decision is to 100% prevent an abortion on my behalf. To vote for mine and other women's rights to have a hysterectomy (brash) or tubular (modest!)! But if I was approved for this in 2020 what rights don't I have? A right that literally any man above the age of 18 can make for themselves. Their own sterilization! Without the consent and signature of their spouse. Without already having children and without Marlea lying or Christy telling them "that would be a drastic measure". But maybe that is a hasty assumption, she may actually think that men making that decision for themselves is also a poor decision. None the less, they still have the rights that I don't. I want equal rights without taking away from someone else who has them!

She also used the analogy that #3 "We are not cars with parts to be swapped"--- Than dear Christy, you lusting after working reproductive organs when yours were never there/damaged/not working properly is a bit hypocritical. I guess so is my grandmother dying of kidney failure from a life time of diabetes and now on dialysis because no one will give her "new kidneys" or "swap her parts". Human bodies aren't cars.

To my knowledge, my rubes are actually being fully removed. So they will have to cauterize them!

I'm not asking for swapping of parts at all. Removing my tubes would fine. No need to give me anything in return. I just want some problems with my body fixed. Pregnancy and the ability to become pregnant... IS A GIANT PROBLEM! And it needs removed. But bu the time you read this post they have already been removed!!!

*MAJOR SIGH OF RELIEF*

I know what I asked of her was clearly against her code of ethics because when she was confronted with a real people-problem by someone she knows, and apparently "loves", she refused to support my right to make decisions for my own body. Even though by giving me this choice it would prevent abortion; one of the very things she was speaking about. Even though her post was about "force" and that #4 "there is one party who doesn't have a choice or voice." WHAT ABOUT MY CHOICE AND VOICE? It sounds to me she doesn't care if I get pregnant, even by terrible events/circumstances.... despite being raped twice already, and assaulted several more time. Honestly, at this point, I fully believe it can and will happen again! I have to do all I can to protect myself. And I believe being sterile would make being raped a little less traumatic for me. That's a sad realization. And voters like her have the power to give women like me the change we desire. And she said "No", with colorful, fluffy distracting language. (i.e. "love")

The thing is about all this nonsense.... is that I use to have the same views as her. I remember I shared a viral post about a bald eagle egg having more rights than an "unborn child" because #Murica cares about their "Symbols of Freedom" more than women's health care. I even shared the post about a fetus having a heart beat at X amount of weeks and how a heart beat makes someone a "real person"! How could you abort that? I fought for her views before. But having a heart beating doesn't mean you have a quality life.

Obedience is doing what your told integrity is doing what you know is right.

Most people don't understand how I ended up with more liberal views with my upbringing. I guess all the abuse couldn't beat me into submission and obedience after all. I guess two rapes and several assaults later can change a person! Who knew?

I didn't ask this woman to change her views on abortion. I asked her to help me prevent from having one... and she said "I love you." What a shitty thing to say, especially since she could vote for my rights to make choices for my body. She could vote to make a difference and she chooses not to. I understand that by voting for someone like me sometimes means voting for other things you can't fundamentally be okay with, but she didn't say that. Maybe she would have, had we talked longer? This blog isn't to change anyone's mind. I don't think most are capable of the cognitive dissonance and critical thinking real change demands. It took me years of heart ache and repetitive trauma to get here.

I will never ever know the heart ache of wanting my own children. I simply can't believe that someone who can barely take care of themselves- emotionally, mentally, physically and financially (me and many others) should be allowed to have them.

"My children helped me grow up and be responsible fast."

I've heard some parents tell me in response to me not wanting children from my current life circumstances. This is horrifying to me, that someone would encourage another to become a parent just so they can "grow up faster" or "forget themselves and do the Lords work" and "loose yourself in service and your mental health will improve." (because bearing children is the "Lords work". #CultProgramming) Some people don't grow up, get better or improve. And that is why we have so many UNWANTED and unloved children. While she may call that sin, I call what I want responsibility. Even people like my parents, who wanted and planned for children, and didn't get pregnant until after marriage- shouldn't have had kids! Christy believes I can improve, which is fantastic, but that doesn't stop the possibility of getting pregnant now during a time I should absolutely not.

And since leaving the cult, I refuse to give any leniency to anyone who *may* believe that "all things happen for a reason" as a sign that a deity wanted to you to suffer for growth. Suffering being raped, pregnant, being mentally ill parent etc... I'm not saying this is what this conversation is about, but the toxic belief that hardship was what god wanted was something I was taught all my life.

My decision isn't new, rash or unplanned.

So. Fucking. Happy!

The earliest I have had these views was right before my most recent suicide attempt in Jan 2018. But the earliest I've talked about it publicly is time stamped May 12, 2019. Just one month after my second rape. Which is when I asked Capitol Womens Care of Hagerstown a second time if they knew anyone who offers a tubular with someone of my demographic.

I know I need healing, I have no idea how long it will take for that to happen despite being tossed around the mental health field like a lab rat. But I don't understand how me choosing not to have children and being capable to be mature enough to do my best to prevent them permanently, is so wrong.

When I mentioned why it would be a bad idea to ever have children due to these extenuating circumstances she quoted scripture saying I was "beautiful and wonderfully made" and that it made her sad that "you believe your soul and body have no value." I'm not new to #5 manipulation, I know exactly what she was doing, even if she can't see it herself and it was "accidentally" done, because perhaps she grew up in a toxic home where behaviors such as what I discussed at the beginning of this blog, were use on her? People with mental illnesses CAN and DO see value in themselves. People with mental illness can and already do amazing things with their lives. However, I am agnostic- atheist now and we can obviously "agree to disagree" on this scripture reference because I know Christy needs more time to educate herself on mental illnesses. I'll give her that time. After all, (#6 Probably the most important- I'm too young?) her stipulation of being 10 years my senior with almost a 10 year old son now, didn't strike any nerves with her that she was old enough to make a decision to adopt/surrogate at *my* age, but I'm not old enough to know I don't want children? What a joke, thanks for the courtesy!

I digress, I worked as a child care provider my entire adult life.

Hey look, my ovaries! (aka tiny egg baskets)

As I said, it's how I met Christy. I love children so much. They make me very happy. They have taught me a lot about myself and the world. It brings me to tears that my mental health has gotten so bad that I was removed form the very sight I met most of these families from because of my traffic charges associated with my last suicide attempt by car. I no longer work full time in child care since my last suicide attempt.(2018) Many families are rightfully concerned. I respect their decision not to work with me; I wouldn't hire someone like me either when there are better more stable options. And I am most certainly unstable to become a mother. Things that Christy are all new to learning now. Perhaps she too wouldn't have hired me now knowing what she does.

She did try and listen and reach out in a more private way with directly messaging me. I was too angry at her that night, I wasn't ready for a phone call to interrupt my evening with my boyfriend with what appeared to me as a holier-than- thou persona checking in on my mental well being. I was cynical, not critical. I'm familiar with that life style though, because I too have been there. I wrote this blog for me, the people in my life and for people like her. And as soon as I publish this, I will send it to her inbox, and than she has access to my entire online public journal of my life. She always has, she just has never seen it despite it being on every social media platform I use! She can re-access what she thinks of me than. But I saw through her self righteous pitty that evening; and I'm not thinking any of my words will change her mind, but help her understand what goes on in mine.

I WILL not get pregnant. If an abortion isn't an option and neither was this tubular I would have taken the "unborn child" as collateral damage with a suicide had I gotten pregnant. Prior to legal abortions this was a choice many women made. Thank goodness for progress in women's healthcare!

If this post concerns you. I'll direct you to the Mental Health Section of my blog where you will find at least a dozen more posts that talk about my health struggles. You can find it at the top of the page in a drop down menu and/or displayed across the top depending on the device you are viewing this blog on. And if after reading it you still think I should have children, than shame on you girl! Shame on anyone for not wanting to give children the best possible life and not seeing that I wouldn't be a stable mother.

For everyone else excited to get their tubular in Maryland--> Give Dr. Anusha Bhatia a ring. I told her she would likely hear from quite a few of my friends after I made this public! Western Maryland has been waiting for you! Go get your tubulars!

Feel free to ask me any questions below if I wasn't thorough on a topic here! <3

My body... has never been your choice! #KnotYourChoice I just got home from surgery and I'm taking a nap! :)

1165 Imperial Drive Suite 300

Hagerstown Maryland 21740

United States

Telephone:

(301) 665-9098

Fax:

(301) 665-9096

Hours:

Mon.-Fri. 8:00am-4:30pm

Special thanks to Sarah for helping me pick a name for this blog!